If I could have taken your pain away!

Fear is only as deep as the mind allows, says a Japanese proverb.

That day of November 2016, my mind let fear enter for a short while only. But I still have the taste of it in my mouth.

It is funny. If I read what I wrote last, it was about you, my love. Gaia. About your second birthday and all the joy you are bringing us every day. You, our fearless and wild one.

But a few days after your second birthday, your fearless and wild self grabbed a bowl of boiling tea on the table. You were so fast. Everything went so fast. And in less that a second, you were screaming...

My parents and I removed her clothes in a blink of an eye and rushed her to the kitchen sink. We let cold water run over her body. I was composed, calm and efficient. I believe I am not the type who is panicking when the girls get hurt or get daredevil.

But then, I saw it. Her skin, her soft, perfect, beautiful baby skin starting to melt in front of my eyes. This is when my mind plunged right into the deepest distress I have ever known. I screamed to my father to hold her and stumbled onto the sofa, in the living room. I remember Alia, standing there, watching us silently, without understanding. I remember my face in my hands. I remember screaming. Just a scream.

A few days later, my mother told me that this scream made her understand it was more serious than just a little burn.

After some pain killer and twenty minutes under running water, we jumped on our motorbike and rushed her to the clinic where she was taken care of by an amazing doctor. She did everything she had to do and more: calm Gaia, comfort me, panse her wounds and show love and compassion.

She reassured me Gaia will not have a single scare. She promised me Gaia will go home and play.

Two hours of being in a state of shock, sitting in the sofa back home, then Gaia fell asleep for a couple of hours. When she woke up, she took her pain killers and indeed, ran to play with Alia.

The next week was nothing but change her dressings, give her showers while she was crying out of fear for pain and taking care of her.

We also called a healer to take the fire away from her little body. Gaia was asleep when the woman arrived. She started working on her relaxed and sleeping body when Gaia woke up. She looked at her, closed her eyes again and let the biggest sight of relief out. She then let the healer move her around to work of every burned area of her body. Right after this day, I believe the wounds dried and healed faster.

Gaia sustained second degree burns on her shoulder, chest, side body, lower back. And a few first degree burns around her belly and mouth.

A few weeks later, her skin was healed but the pigmentation has not yet recovered. Thanks to a mix of essential oils a dear friend mixed for us, a few months later, we could not see where the burns used to be.

I realised I did not write anything since, because I was scared of facing that day, in front of the white page of my computer. But I coud not continue without writing about this scariest event of my life.

The day I wished I could take the pain away from my child.

"And though she be but little, she is fierce"

I grew up wanting to be a boy.

In the World we grow up in, we have this weird belief (and a part of it is true although completely unfair and unjustified) that if you are a man, you have more freedom, things are easier, you are more powerful, you can achieve much more, do whatever you want and be whoever you want to be.

Do not get me wrong, I was always a strong willed, stubborn, independent girl. But I wanted to be a boy. I thought it was much cooler to be a boy. A boy could do any sports, dress however he wanted..

A boy did not have to deal with periods, shaving hair, breast growing, boys constantly cat-calling you or insulting you for not giving them what they wanted. And they can pee standing up. How cool is that?

Then, I became a mother.

And I started learning the power of the women.

I think I actually became a feminist the day I gave birth to my first daughter.

I have learned much more about being a woman in the last 4 years of motherhood than in the past 30 years. I discovered our unbelievable and undying strength. I became more aware of women’s condition, I have opened up to the power and the gift of being a woman.

I believe I was always strong. But becoming a mother made me stronger in many ways.

Which, I have to say, may not be fun for my husband everyday.

Being married to an independent and strong woman may means that she will never take any of your bullshits. 

Well, I do not need my husband. I am with him because I want to be with him. Because I enjoy being with him and I love him.

But I do not need him in a dependent or clingy way.

I can travel by myself (and even alone with two toddlers). I am working and can earn a living. I can take decisions, pay my bills, cook, clean, paint the walls, drive my scooter, take opportunities, carry heavy stuff, use a hammer or handle the weekly budget of the household. 

Despite this, I still had my share of cat-calling, unwelcome hands on my butt, traumatising harassment etc. Lucky me, I was raised in a family that always been very open to talking, sharing and supporting. And a dad surrounded by sister, wife, daughters, nieces and grand-daughters all around.

Unfortunately, years pass and technology becomes more advanced but it looks like the condition of women is not. Social media make teenagers share way too much. It makes young girls feel like they have to prove something to earn attention from a boy. It feels like girls are trying to take each other down instead of raising each other up. That sex is coming before courting. If courting even exist anymore.

Movies and advertising made sex and violence look like it was normal daily thing in a life. Something you do to take power over someone or gain respect.

Rape became barely punishable. And we still are at the same point of thinking men are untouchable and girls could have avoided it.

Walking in a toy store or a clothes shop makes you realise girls are taught to be pretty and good housewives when boys are trained to be bold and adventurous. 

And it makes me feel scared, raising two girls in this World. 

And it makes me feel like I want to change things even harder.

And it makes me feel it will start with how I raise my girls.

And I am raising my daughters for them to always remember that a woman can do or be whatever she wants to. That she can think however she wants and that no one can look down on her because she is a woman.

Boys won’t be boys and girls are not supposed to be pretty and sweet. 

My girls are not sexy. My girls are children.

My girls can be superhero. They are mine already.

My girls can say no if they do not want to kiss you goodbye. 

My girls can climb trees and play cars.

My girls can be princesses without needing a prince.

My girls can love pink without having just this colour in their closet.

My girls can wear a two piece bikini one day and a board short the day after.

My girls can be pretty. But also smart, witty, funny, bold, fearless, loud, annoying, daredevil.

My girls can play dolls one minute and pirates the next one.

My girls do not have a boyfriend. They have friends that are boys.

My girls are not too fat nor too thin. They are strong and healthy.

My girls do not need to wear a dress to be beautiful. They will be beautiful because they are happy.

This two human being are teaching me so much  every single day.

About myself and what I should improve.

About the undying love and  unending strength a woman can hold in her.

About the strong meaning of what it is to be a woman.

So my girls will not grow up thinking it is ok a boy hits her as a way of showing his interest.

Nor they will grow up thinking their role is to be home.

Nor they will think they owe something to anyone.

Nor they will believe their only purpose is to make babies and make a man happy.

Nor they will think they have less worth than a man.

Nor they will learn how to use bullying or belittling someone in a way to gain friendship or coolness.

Nor they will wait for the Prince Charming to come along.

Our children may be wild at times but it is the price to pay to have strong adults when they are grown up. Some days are harder than others. 

Sometimes, doubt passes by in my mind. 

But in the end, I am following my heart and what I believe in.

I may be a pain in the ass for my husband at time, but it is all with a cause.

"Strong-willed children become adults who change the World as long as we can hang on for the ride and resist the temptation to "tame" the spirit out of them" Sarah Stogryn.

"And though she be but little, she is fierce", William Shakespeare.