Letter to Alia

My dearest daughter,

Today, you are one year old.

While you are sound asleep, I want to write you a few words so you can read it later.

A year ago, your tatay and I were welcoming you in our arms, in our life and in our hearts. Since then, there is not one day that passed without you making me smile. Even through pain, tears, doubts and arguments.

You truly are a gift to me!

Being a mom is such a powerful experience. It’s overwhelming, beautiful, painful, fun, scary, magic, intense…

Being your mom is priceless! I will never be able to thank the universe enough for choosing me to birth you and hold your hand to enter in this World.

This year has been the most intense of my life.

Being a parent is not just about you, my love.

It’s about redefining myself and my life. What are my priorities, my new goals, my daily life.

It’s about remembering how it felt to be a child so I can always understand you.

And looking at the way your dad and I were raised. Bring the values our parents tought us and add a twist of what we believe in.

It’s being scared of making a mistake but still doing it because we believe it’s for your best.

It’s about accepting who you are and watching you grow the way you want to.

And it’s about finding our place in this new dynamic as a couple for your dad and I.

Meeting in between, making compromise. Make time for each other.

It has been hard. Some days, I felt like giving up.

But at the end, your dad and I love each other more than all this obstacles.

And you are our glue!

Laughter made us going through this year.

Hearing your laught when discovering everything.

And us, being able to laugh at each other and together.

Laugh is the best remedy, my love. The only medicine in life.

And I am grateful for this year that has been filled with laughter and love.

When I hear you calling me « maman », my heart is swealing, ready to explose with joy and love. When you hug me and kiss me, feed from me and play with my mouth with your little hand, laugh out loud and dance, jump on us to say good morning, I sometimes feel like crying.

That’s how powerful it is. That’s how huge my love is for you. That’s how overwhelming and beautiful it is to know you are made out of a little of your dad and a little of me.

If sometimes, I loose my patience, I apologize. I can be weak when I am tired. And everyday, I am reminding myself this is not the way I want to be with you.

Sometimes, I am a bit harder with you. But it’s to protect you from something that can be dangerous for you. It’s out of fear to see you harm and not against you.

I want to give you a happy life. Filled with love and fun.

            I want you to experience things by yourself. Get hurt and know I will always be here

            to listen to and advise you. Because, this is the way you will learn and grow.

I want you to travel a lot and be exposed to different cultures and places because that will be your most valuable lesson in life.

I want you to be confident. You are loved! You are a beautiful soul. You are a happy spirit.

Never try to impress people. Always be who you are.

Always believe in yourself. And if you don’t, I will be here to believe twice as much.

This is how much I love you.

Because you are the light in my life. And the reason why I smile everyday.

Happy birthday, my love.

Alia, cuddling her new Rocking Horse

A message from your Tatay:

Alia, you keep me alive.

The way you show me your love melt my heart.

You truly are the life and love between your mom and me.

Keep it up! Ahoooo!

Love, Tatay.

I just want to pee alone!

Back when I was pregnant and Daddy Yo suggested me we look for a helper, I gasped!

I haven’t been raised with helpers. I will not have one!

Then Alia was born. And the house was a mess!

I had no time to eat my breakfast because Alia was awake or I was passing out next to her the second she would fall asleep. 

I would try to do the laundry (by hand) whenever I was not feeding her, changing her or sleeping with her or I would let Daddy Yo do it after he came back home from work, cooked dinner and washed the dishes of the whole day.

I was crying when she was crying in the middle of the night.

I would call our neighbor, Tita Caiys or our Land lady Ate Sally and ask them to help me when Alia was screaming because of gas and I still didn’t have time to eat lunch or take a shower.

When we had our first helper, I realized how lucky we are in the Philippines to be able to afford hiring someone to help us. 

Back in Europe, having a helper at home the whole day would be a luxury. It would cost one full salary of ours!

Of course suddenly, our house was spottless. I was able to rest more without worrying about food or laundry. The mornings I was really tired, I could hand Alia over and go back to sleep for an hour or two. I could even start socializing a little bit by going out for a dinner or a drink once in a while.

And all this time I would not cook, clean or wash, I can fully spend it with my daughter. Take time to play with her, bring her to the beach, organize play dates with the other mommies. Being relax around her knowing someone is here to do the house chores.

When Alia was 3 months old, I started training for our Dragon Boat competition with Daddy Yo. Sharing an "us" time without Alia. I even enjoyed a few "me" time over manicures with my other mommy friends and no kids !

I had the peace of mind to go back to work knowing Alia was at home, safe in her familiar environment.

I know I can make it without a helper.

I also know I am a better mom when I have some help.

I am less stressed, less tired, less frustrated.

Having someone helping you at home is not shameful. 

It doesn’t mean you are a bad mother or a bad wife. 

It doesn’t mean you can’t do it by yourself or are lazy. 

It doesn’t mean you will just sit around on the couch and eat chips while watching a movie.

It means you value your time.

It means you did not forget that you are also a woman. Not just a wife or a mother.

It means you recognize you also have some needs : sleeping a bit longer sometimes, having a massage and a manicure once in a while, doing sport, going to work, enjoying a date with your husband or a drink with your girlfriends…

We are not machines! Keeping a household is a lot of work and being a mother is a full time job!

Help can come from a nanny, the grand-parents, a friend once in a while.

This issue I used to have about having a helper was about pride. The pride that I could do it by myself.

Now, I learned.

And i am proud to know now how to simply ask for help.