Our World was finally complete

Being a mom of two is some hard work. And I have been busy at it for the past two years.
As one of my last post explained, this pregnancy has been nothing short of a rollercoaster of emotions. I think it was so overwhelming that I needed a break to process everything that happened and mostly to enjoy our healthy baby girl.

We also needed space to become a family of four. So we could allow Alia to find herself in this new configuration. And we had to learn how to become parents of two.

Now, I miss writing about them, life and things going through my mind.
I guess I have to start where I stopped almost two years ago.

Gaia Mayari was born on November 8, 2014 at 3:23am.

She came exactly a year after the Super Typhoon Yolanda hit the Philippines. And she came like a typhoon herself! Fast and painful!

Her first month celebration came on a typhoon day, no kidding..

I will always remember two month before I gave birth. A woman from Manila was in the Island to give some healing sessions and readings. I signed up. When she saw me coming, she did not know I was expecting a baby. She explained me she could not give me a healing session in my state as the emotions that will go through me might affect the baby. But since I was already there, she offered me a reading through cards, for the baby.

I never saw this woman in my life and she did not know me as well. And here she is, telling me my daughter will have a great connection to the Earth and the Moon. And that she is a healer and a Crystal child.

I knew about Rainbow and Indigo children but never really read much about Crystal ones.
But I was amazed as the name we chose for our second daughter was Gaia Mayari.

Gaia means Earth in the Greek mythology. Gaia is the Personnification of the Earth. She is ancestral mother of life.
Mayari, on another hand, is the Goddess of the Moon in the Filipino mythology.

I went home and read about Crystal children. The first characteristic that always came in everything I have read was their large eyes with a communicative and intense stare. The rest of the characteristic of the Crystal children, I would have to wait until she was more grown-up to check if it applied to her, I thought.

The day she was born, I could not stop looking at her immense eyes and her intense and very soothing stare. We were in for a great ride, I said!

It felt so much easier the second time around. I was already used to waking up at night all the time, I didn't take a long break from breastfeeding. It all came naturally.

But the challenges were different. Dealing with two children, giving space to the first one but taking time to bond with the second one.

Of course, there were days when I would put Alia and Gaia down for a nap, close my eyes 2 mins and wake up 2 hours later. Or those evenings when I put them to sleep, think about the movie I'm gonna watch once they are asleep and I wake up for the next feed of Gaia at midnight.

But luckily, Gaia is was an easy and quiet baby. Or maybe she surrendered, giving space to Alia while gathering enough energy to take the space she deserves!

I remember when Alia was born, I couldn't make the difference between days and nights. Each day was the same routine. Alia was feeding every hour and half or two. Plus she was a happy spitter! Puking at every feed because she didn't know how to stop eating! By the time I would feed her, she would puke then go back to sleep with a smile. Then, I would change her diaper and her clothes, change my clothes. Time to go back to sleep, she was awake an hour later to feed again.

With Gaia, it seemed so easy! Since she was born, she was sleeping for a span of 4 hours.
For a few weeks, she was even sleeping 7 hours straight at night. BLISS! Imagine me putting the girls to sleep and running downstairs to open a bottle of wine and a box of chocolate! BLISS I tell you!

Alia was so happy to have a sister. She was her property, her baby, her Gaia, her little sister.

She even scream at the pedia for touching Gaia without asking her first!

The big problem is when she was giggling so much and trying to lift her or squeeze her in a hug. Or pull her little legs to get her closer to her. Every day, we had to learn how to hold our breathe and she had to learn how to handle her very fragile baby sister.



 I used to be so scared to have a second baby. Scared not to be able to love her as much as I loved Alia. Scared not to be able to make a second baby as perfect and beautiful as Alia.


Now, I found out the heart of a mother expends in a magical way. It can hold so much love. When I look at Gaia, she's so perfect. The same way Alia was. Yet they are so different.

Motherhood can easily blow you away more than once it seems! It never gets old.

Letter to Alia

My dearest daughter,

Today, you are one year old.

While you are sound asleep, I want to write you a few words so you can read it later.

A year ago, your tatay and I were welcoming you in our arms, in our life and in our hearts. Since then, there is not one day that passed without you making me smile. Even through pain, tears, doubts and arguments.

You truly are a gift to me!

Being a mom is such a powerful experience. It’s overwhelming, beautiful, painful, fun, scary, magic, intense…

Being your mom is priceless! I will never be able to thank the universe enough for choosing me to birth you and hold your hand to enter in this World.

This year has been the most intense of my life.

Being a parent is not just about you, my love.

It’s about redefining myself and my life. What are my priorities, my new goals, my daily life.

It’s about remembering how it felt to be a child so I can always understand you.

And looking at the way your dad and I were raised. Bring the values our parents tought us and add a twist of what we believe in.

It’s being scared of making a mistake but still doing it because we believe it’s for your best.

It’s about accepting who you are and watching you grow the way you want to.

And it’s about finding our place in this new dynamic as a couple for your dad and I.

Meeting in between, making compromise. Make time for each other.

It has been hard. Some days, I felt like giving up.

But at the end, your dad and I love each other more than all this obstacles.

And you are our glue!

Laughter made us going through this year.

Hearing your laught when discovering everything.

And us, being able to laugh at each other and together.

Laugh is the best remedy, my love. The only medicine in life.

And I am grateful for this year that has been filled with laughter and love.

When I hear you calling me « maman », my heart is swealing, ready to explose with joy and love. When you hug me and kiss me, feed from me and play with my mouth with your little hand, laugh out loud and dance, jump on us to say good morning, I sometimes feel like crying.

That’s how powerful it is. That’s how huge my love is for you. That’s how overwhelming and beautiful it is to know you are made out of a little of your dad and a little of me.

If sometimes, I loose my patience, I apologize. I can be weak when I am tired. And everyday, I am reminding myself this is not the way I want to be with you.

Sometimes, I am a bit harder with you. But it’s to protect you from something that can be dangerous for you. It’s out of fear to see you harm and not against you.

I want to give you a happy life. Filled with love and fun.

            I want you to experience things by yourself. Get hurt and know I will always be here

            to listen to and advise you. Because, this is the way you will learn and grow.

I want you to travel a lot and be exposed to different cultures and places because that will be your most valuable lesson in life.

I want you to be confident. You are loved! You are a beautiful soul. You are a happy spirit.

Never try to impress people. Always be who you are.

Always believe in yourself. And if you don’t, I will be here to believe twice as much.

This is how much I love you.

Because you are the light in my life. And the reason why I smile everyday.

Happy birthday, my love.

Alia, cuddling her new Rocking Horse

A message from your Tatay:

Alia, you keep me alive.

The way you show me your love melt my heart.

You truly are the life and love between your mom and me.

Keep it up! Ahoooo!

Love, Tatay.

Where there is love there is life

Alia is the happy type of kid.

And I cannot be more grateful for her to be this way !

There is not a day that passes without me to smile a thousand time thanks to her.

An afternoon at home just the two of us!

She loves playing peak-a-boo.

She loves dancing and moving her hands in a close/open motion.

She laugh out loud when we kiss her tummy.

She closes her eyes and smiles when she feels the wind on her face in the trike.

She loves climbing the couch to get the TV remote whe we try to hide it on top of it.

She absolutely loves to put her little hand in our puppy's mouth and giggles when Pampu lick her hand.

She loves crawling around the house without a diaper and throw all my beauty products on the floor. 

She loves to swim in the ocean.

And I love her so!

She smiles to people in the street, in the trikes and make them smile.

About a month ago, I was walking on the beach with Alia on her sling on my hips. I felt someone was following me. I looked back and saw two kids about 7 and 9, jumping behind me and doing faces to make Alia laugh. And she was laughing so much. They kept following me and entertain her for about 10 to 15 minutes until I had to enter in this shop I was going in.

Alia with her favorite tito, Ken and Chocnut the dog

In Boracay, she starts to be known among the tricyle drivers for the baby that smiles to them, laugh out loud if they smile back to her and pinches them if they do not pay attention.

And they always end up smiling, laughing and making faces along with her.

Alia is totally obsessed with trikes. Every time we hop in one, she’ll be excited and trying to reach the handles and the breaks.

Quite a few drivers will turn their mirror facing her so she can look at herself in it and laugh.

Some of them spend the trip making faces to amuse her.

All of them will laugh along with her.

And I always am one proud mommy seeing her spreading happiness around her at such a young age.

Isn’t it promising for the future ?

Happy Buddha: her Halloween costume

Yesterday when we went home from a play date with her buddies and my mommies friends, she was so happy to see her Daddy Yo. While breastfeeding, she stopped, turned her back to me and hugged her Daddy Yo! A long hug, her two arms around his neck.

He melted!

Playing and cuddling

He then left the room to let Alia sleep. As he closed the door of the room, I saw her crawling to the door, sit next to it and say "Baba?". He came back in until she was settled with me in bed.

Once alone with her, I felt a tear rolling on my cheek. She was breastfeeding and I was just happy to have her in my life.

Love is very powerful.

Playing with the computer while Skyping with her Lola back in France

From a mother to another

A few months ago, I was training on the beach with my Dragon Boat team. Our meeting point was right next to the land where the Ati were asked (or forced) to move and build their new village.

Everyday, I could see all their kids playing on the beach, running in the water, building little boats and fishes out of plywood and pulling them happily in the water with a nylon string.

I could see moms breastfeeding their babies. Carrying their child close to them, wrapping them around, wearing them. Attachment parenting is not in the education. It's in the blood.

I saw moms and kids. Like me and Alia. Like any mom and her child in the World.

For those who wonder who the Ati people are, they are the "aboriginals". The first inhabitants of the Visayas archipelago. They have their own language, kept some religious practices of their own and face discrimination. Not to mention their original territory in Boracay is becoming smaller and smaller and smaller every time someone has the opportunity to invest where they used to live freely.

What does not help the Ati community of Boracay is the large number of Ati coming from other places. They invade the sand street of White Beach, beg for money and let very young children sleeping on the floor. Sometimes with babies in their arms or at their feet.

Heartbreaking.

Heartbreaking to see this.

And heartbreaking to know one of the cause of their discrimination is the fact that a lot of people think the Ati Community of Boracay mistreat their children, don’t take care of the youngest and let them beg.

But the Ati community of Boracay is very different. They would like to be a part of our World, our lives.

A few days ago, we were talking with a couple of moms. We want to help them.

Bring them clothes for the kids, clothes diapers for their babies.

Teach them why this is so important to keep a basic hygiene with the babies so diseases will spread less.

And help them having the means to do so.

I talked to Susanne, a wonderful woman who lives in Boracay for many years. She’s doing everything she can to help their Community already. She loved the idea. I messaged many moms around me and so far, I have only amazing feedbacks.

When we will all be set, we will organize a meeting with the Ati moms.

The Boracay Baby Boomers meet the Ati moms.

From mothers to mothers.

Our group is boiling with good intention and ideas : workshops, food sharing, play dates…

I love it and I’m feeling so excited about it !

For the filipino kids in Boracay today, being surrounded by foreigners and mixed kids is normal.

I dream of a future where our kids will not see the Ati kids as a Community apart and discriminated. I wish they will go to school all together, play on the beach and exchange stories. I wish our kids will not make any difference between them and the Ati kids.

I wish...

Let’s work on it !!!

We talked so much about you!

Before Alia came into our lives, we were "party people", travelling, doing sports, living on the beach. When we talked about having a baby, we wanted to be sure we were in synch with what it involved and how we wanted to bring her to the World.

I saw couples who never talked about this things falling apart and fighting about main aspect of education.

I am French. Jewish mom, Catholic dad. My parents raised us in the Jewish culture (and a little bit of religion but not much). I was going to the Synagogue for the main celebrations once a year (twice exceptionnally) when we were not late or skipping it. I stepped in a Church a couple of time for a masse or funerals and weddings but most of the time, I’ve been visiting them as beautiful landmarks.

I travelled in many places around the world since I was 2 years old and I left my parents house to live and study in Paris at 18. I was raised in the countryside and went to school in a public school in a small city and spent my week ends listening to Reggae concerts. I’ve studied Art and Communication, spent an unmesurable nombre of hours in the museum and spent all my week-end partying in my place with friends or drinking Chablis in a small bistrot where Brass band and Jazz band were playing.

Daddy Yo is Filipino. Raised Catholic, altar boy in his young years, born and raised in the Big City of Manila. His grand-dad was in the military and he spent most of his holidays in his farm, learning from him. He spent years playing frisbee and climbing mountains, was a regular in all reggae concerts around his University while drinking beer, lived in his parents place until 28 years-old with four generation in the same house and studied tourism. 

English is both our second language. Boracay became our Home the same year. We had to find a balance to mix all our differences and make our own little blend.

We talked about our  Education. What were the values that were important for both of us? Respect, Family, Tolerance, Communication, Conviviality, Education, Openmindness were part of this Values that are important for us.

We talked about our background. To understand where we were coming from. What our families went through.

We talked about religion. What was important for us. What we were believing in. We learned from each other.

I was living in his country. He came with me to mine. To understand where I grew up, who made me who I am. Went to all the places I used to go as a kid, met my family, friends and neighbors.

Paris, 2010

We learned each other’s cultures, what was taboo in his was not in mine. What was ok in Philippines was not where I grew up (and vice versa). We learned the rules and the customs.

I went to church with him at 5 am for Christmas. It was magic. He watched so many french movies he ended up loving so much. He read « Le petit Prince » (The Little Prince) and made me read « Noli Me Tangere » (The book of their national Hero, Jose Rizal). He's listening to Gainsbourg and I love Freddie Aguilar and Brown Man Revival.

We talked about where I will give birth. What was easier for us? Best for him? Fair for our couple? We decided Manila was the best: It was safe as their hospital are very good. Easy for him to still work in Boracay while I am there waiting for our baby. We could go there at the last moment (and not months ahead as if we'd decide to go back to France). Plus he would need a long visa to stay several months in France. My parents could come more easily in the Philippines than his parents in France.

We talked about religion. How will we bring our kids up? We decided to give her a bit of both. We’ll teach her there are different minds. She will be baptised as it is important for him. I will let him bring her to the church and teach her what he believes in. I will talk to her about my believes also. She might have her own believes one day. We want her openminded.

We talked about our options for school and studies.

About marriage. I did not want a church wedding. He agreed on a civil one.

We talked about what language was important for her to learn. I speak to her in French, Daddy Yo in Tagalog and English is the language she hears all around us. Our helper Ate Jen even speaks to her in Visayan. We want her international.

He respected the fact that I was thinking of bottle feed her. He supported me all the way when I decided to breastfeed.
He respected my choice of not co-sleeping and even bought the crib. But he followed me when I decided to give it a try.

Now Alia is with us, I believe our open talks made a difference. It made it easier for us as we know what to expect in the big lines.

Of course, we will still spend hours talking about the little things when they will come up.

But we know we will stick together when it comes to the main decisions. 

Because we are in together, for the long run. And we are in as a family. Not against each other.

As Anthony Robbins was telling it too well, "To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others."

The best accessory a girl can own is confidence!

"Making the decision to have a child -- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
-- Elizabeth Stone

Being a new mom is not an easy thing.

You have to deal with so much !

Get to know this tiny little munchkin.

Getting to adjust to your new life.

Going back to work or organizing your new life at home.

Dealing with the Daddy Yos.

When you think it’s all done, there’s more!

Adjusting to your new body, the one that changed, the one that will come back to normal eventually. Or not.

Dealing with all the comments of the people surrounding you. The ones that always want you good. The ones that will tell you what to do, how to do it and what’s best for your own child.

And dealing with your new-mom-self-confidence.

I met some people who were telling me I was still quite fat after giving birth. Or wondering why I did not loose the weight yet. Well, I just ignored them. I feel amazing in my body because this exact same body gave me the most wonderful and beautiful baby girl. So if I have a few extra kilos that won’t disapear straight away, I can live with them.

No one can tell me how I should look.

Yes, I have stretch mark. And no, it is not because I was eating too much fat food or was not taking care of myself. I applied the magic creams and oils since day 1 and it did not change anything. My tummy was not even huge. And it did not change anything.

Stretch marks depend of the quality of your skin. And guess what? My skin sucks!

At the begining, I hated them!! Trying to hide them under a one piece swimming suit the first time I went on the beach.

Until my good friend Abbey told me to own it. Not to be ashame. Yes ! She was totally right ! These are our batlle scars! We are moms and this is written on our skin. I always wore two piece bikini, why should I stop now ? If carrying my daughter did this to me, then I should be proud of it !

Plus let’s get real. Who notice it the most? You and other women. Your man does not care about it!

I love getting advices from good friends who want the best for you.

My friend Heather is amazing at this. If you really ask her some advices, she will always be honest, real and give you confidence. Telling you what work for her but never pushing you to follow this yourself. She will always tell you to follow what you think is best for you and your child. To do what works for you.

But some people seem to like telling you how to raise your own child depend on their own preferences. 

Well, people. Alia is my baby and as long as I am not doing something that is threatening her life, I will follow my heart. So I will keep co-sleeping as it works for all of us. I will keep breastfeeding her as long as both of us are good with it. Thank you anyway!

Motherhood is hard on the self confidence of new moms as well.

We doubt. We are scared that this decision might mess up the rest of our child’s life. We compare ourself to other moms.

But every child is different and every mom  is too. Each of our baby require a special need, a special care. The one of his own mom.

We all have a different background, different cultures, we were raised differently as well.

Do not compare yourself to others. We all are in the same basket. Even if it does not look like. At the end of the day, we all have the same questions running in our head.

So rise your head up! You are amazing!!

And you are doing the best you can.

You brought a child into this World and you will raise her to be the best person she can be.

No one is perfect.

As long as we do everything we do with a great love, we cannot go wrong.

Love yourself and trust your way!

Alia's got her first cold!

What a week!

Now, I am totally recovered and Alia got a cold  for the first time in her life. Thanks god, not a bad one. But she has a running nose and a cough.

At least, now she can breastfeed again, she sleeps soundly at night! 

On saturday morning, when I could feed her again, we sat on the couch comfortably. She started drinking two gulps, stopped, looked at me and laughed before eating again for a long time! This laugh was priceless!!!

I don't want to give her medicines as in Boracay, the doctors will mostly prescribe antibiotics. For anything. When it is appropriate and even when it is not necessary.
A few of my friends had antibiotics prescribed to their babies when they did not even needed it.

I am not used to antibiotics for myself and I keep them for when they are REALLY needed. So at least, when I use them, they are very effective on me.
I am more of a homeopathy user for the daily "boo boos" and am using it as well for Alia (teething etc..)

So I am nurturing her and uses natural products.
A lot of milk to keep her hydrated (and water as well), cuddles, kisses... and a shower twice or three times a day as this last days are a roller coaster of hot, cold and rainy weather.

I always remember everything I am eating or drinking is passing through my milk. So I am drinking loads of water as well as ginger tea.

Ginger tea is actually great against colds. Just boil some fresh ginger in water and add some honey (and even lemon) to sweeten the drink. It makes wonders on painful throats.
It is said ginger tea is good also to relieve morning sickness while being pregnant.

A friend of mine gave me another great and delicious recipe for Alia is feel better.
It is called Sopa de Ajo (Garlic Soup):
Simply chop and sauté a lot of garlic in olive oil and add bread. When the bread is golden, add a broth and let it boil. At the end, just add a beaten egg and that's it!!

It made me feel better as I was still recovering and I believe it helps Alia feeling better as well.
So here I am, eating this yummy soup for lunch and dinner.

I also apply some Kid Med from Lawiswis farm (a Palawan based farm that makes all natural products that are sold in Boracay) on Alia's back and chest every couple of hours. This has eucalyptus, neem and other plants that will help her cough getting better.

While waiting for her to totally recover, I let her sleep a lot and I cuddle her until she cannot stand it anymore!!

Love is the best medicine!

Tonight, I will allow myself a good glass of wine to relax after this hectic week! YAY!!

Light my fire!

Thanks to my friend Abbey, we had laughter and smiles today!

Despite the awful and long night, we had a great breakfast. Babies were playing and we also got to stay over for lunch to celebrate Alia's 7th month!! Pizza and pasta party. We took a nice walk around and went home mid-afternoon.

Alia was restless (she didn't took a proper nap since 6:30 am and it was already 4:30 pm) so I decided to walk on the beach for her to fall asleep in the carrier. At least she could rest 30 minutes. Better than nothing. Two friends I met while walking told me the same thing: if there is a next time, check yourself out in a hotel or go to a friend's place for three days. Sleep, rest. It will be easier on your daughter and you'll get to recover fully to be the kicking-mom you are everyday. I hope there won't be a next time, but if ever there is, I'll think twice about this option! As you think about it, it is quite true. How can you recover fully (and go back to breastfeed at night and work during the day) while you are sick, handling almost by your own a frustrated baby who scream during the day and most of the night? You are not helpful at home as you can't breastfeed the baby and every time baby sees you, she doesn't want the bottle anymore and scream.

Anyway, today was a good playdate that lightened my week.

I love playdates with Abbey's son as Alia is always so excited so see him. Plus, she LOVES to copy him. Which is great for her to learn new tricks. Plus, I get to chat with a very good friend.

When we travelled to Malaysia with them three month ago, Alia learnt from her best mate how to play with her tongue and spread saliva all over. She did the trick over and over and still does! Her favorite time to do it? In the morning, to wake us up! A morning shower!!

Alia and I in Kuala Lumpur

When we hanged out for three days in a row in the afternoon two months ago, Alia studied how her mate would jump as a frog (to try to crawl) and tried hard to do the same. Sadly for her, she was too young to do the same as they are a month and a half apart.

Today, she was so proud to show him what she could do on her four but he was even more proud showing off his new skills: standing up by his own!!

Oh, she's trying hard to catch up with him now! When we went home, we put her in her crib for a while and she was trying to grab anything that could help her standing up. If I'd help her, she would grab the side of her crib and stand like this, trying to look over the bed (I'll show you pictures tomorrow as the camera is in the bedroom and I don't want to risk waking up my little crying monster).

Playdates are great times for babies as young as this to learn how to socialize, borrow, lend, share. It will take time for them to get this notions. But the earlier you teach them, the more normal it will become to them.

We have a big group of babies here on the island. We call ourselves the Boracay Baby Boomers. Our kids are between 2 years old and... still on the way. And knowing they will grow together is great as we can really teach them how to act in a group of kids. Patience, kindness, gentleness, politeness with others are some basic I want Alia to learn as young as possible.

But one step at a time!

Tonight is the last rough night and tomorrow, we are back to normal!! More crying from both mother and daughter will be rewarded by a tight cuddle in the morning while breastfeeding. And we will get to forget about this past dark few days!

I can see the light!

Drugs and other tales

Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez, As long as I am not breastfeeding, I would make good use of a bottle of wine! Or even a bottle of Tequila...

Like, the whole bottle, or maybe two or three! BUT, I am still taking medicines so it is out of question for my biggest disappointment. Or two days in a SPA by my own, away from any responsibility. At least, I won't have the hangover.

Yesterday evening was surprisingly fine. Alia was tired, she drank her bottle in my arms then fell asleep very fast (in our bed). Boom, 7:30pm. Easy!

I made sure to explain her over and over again why I cannot breastfeed her: "I am taking medicines and this medicines are going in my milk so the milk is not good for you for the time I will take them. It is because I am sick and I don't want you to be sick so I am trying to recover very soon! But I love you so much and on Saturday, the boobies are ALL yours!"

Then she woke up a little while after and it was a bit more challenging to put her back to sleep but I managed without even giving her milk. Only cuddles and comfort. I was kinda proud at this point and thinking it was going to be quite easy after all.

Then she woke up at 2 am and cried, cried, cried, cried... until 4:30 am. Pushing the bottle away, screaming in my arms while pulling my shirt, screaming in Daddy Yo's arms. We were tired and helpless. I ended up sitting on the floor while he was trying to put her back to sleep for the unpteenth time. My milk was leaking, my boobs were so painful and my headache was making it impossible for me to go to the kitchen and pump. Thanks to the antibiotics, I got dehydrated and started to have pain while peeing (yes, here is the naked truth of a mom under antibiotics, sorry!)

She finally fell asleep on Daddy Yo's chest and slept until 8 am. Nice, would you tell me, right? But I was up a bit before 7, with a massive headache, going to pee every 15 minutes. 

I went back to sleep for an hour while Alia was sleeping after breakfast. A precious hour. Very very precious. As she didn't feel asleep until... 7:15 pm. After a lot of cuddling, reassuring words, lullabies and dancing.

She spent the afternoon crying, pulling my shirt, playing, crying again as she was so sleepy, drinking her bottle then pushing it away for the next meal. And I spent the afternoon crying, feeling guilty for being sick (Stupid, right? As if I could do anything against it. But you know, Guilt still kicked at my front door), pumping and holding my painful head.  A hell of an afternoon for both Alia and me.

     Loosing it in a good way!

Good friends came to visit. That highlighted my day! 

One of our mommy friend came to announce us that we can get our puppy whenever we want after I recovered (Puppy!!!!!!!!!!!! Cute black and brown puppy!! Half Labrador, half Husky). We already baptised him Pampu.x

Another dear friend who gave birth to the cutest boy a month and half before me (one of Alia's best travel/play date/learning buddy so far) came with a flower, food and a good chat. How good do you feel after that?!!! Before knowing I had a huge stock of breast milk in my fridge, the first thing she offered me was to pump a bottle of milk a day for Alia (if ever Alia was going to take formula while I could not feed her). Telling you that I appreciated her offer is beyond it! There are no words to express my feelings. I was deeply touched.

Tomorrow, I will start my day by a breakfast in my friend's place so Alia can play with her son. And I believe our day will be better.

As Bernard Meltzer was saying, "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

For better or For Worse

The worst thing that could happen to the breastfeeding mom I am just happened.

I am not allowed to breastfeed Alia for 3 days due to an intake of antibiotics.

It's been a few days I was feeling tired and my throat was sightly painful but I did not mind it as we were too busy packing our stuffs to move in a bigger place.

We moved in on Sunday (thankfully, good friends of Daddy Yo did ALL the "carrying-all-the-heavy-boxes so I didn't have to carry anything but Alia) and I spent the evening unpacking things. On monday morning, I woke up and carried some furnitures to put them here and there and unpacked some more boxes before going to work.

In the evening, I started to feel really tired.
Then cold. I live in the Philippines and it's never really cold here.
I went to sleep early with Alia and woke up shaking. Daddy Yo covered me with a lot of blankets but I was still cold. I check my temperature: 38.5°C!

My head was painful, my glands were swollen in the throat and I was feverish.
I spent the night feeding Alia and waking up because of the pain.

On tuesday, thankfully, I was allowed to stay at home until I recover. The whole day, the fever went up and down and the pain was so strong in the whole area of my head. I slept more than Alia. The only way I could sleep was to put this iced gel pack on my eyes.

In the evening, I was shaking again. I went to sleep with 38.8°C.

Last night was the same than the night before. Waking up all the time, taking paracetamol, putting some iced gel pack on my eyes.

This morning, we went straight to the doctor who explained me I am having an infection due to nasal congestion that leads to an ear congestion. The only way I could recover was antibiotics and pain killers.

I asked her if, by any chances, this antibiotics was compatible with breastfeeding and of course, she explained me that most antibiotics are not, this one included.
She saw the tears coming up my eyes and told me she could give me the 3 days solution. I accepted, went home, cried while pumping, feed Alia and took my medicines.

The only good thing is I always had so much milk I was pumping and freezing it just in case something like this would happen. So Alia has like 2 liters of milk inside the fridge. She will still drink my milk but out of a bottle. Milk in a separate freezer can stay up to 6 months frozen. Think about it!!!

Since I took my medicines, she had a very hard time falling asleep because she didn't understand why she could not breastfeed before sleeping. We fed her her lunch and still she was pulling my shirt and crying.

And my heart is breaking...

The hardest gonna be during the nights as she never wanted to take a bottle if I was next to her. We might put her in her crib as it will be worst if she can smell my milk.

Daddy Yo and I are going to have a few long nights ahead of us...

"Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children"

A few days ago, I went across this quote from Margaret Mead: "Motherhood is a biological fact, while fatherhood is a social invention."

As a mother, I felt mom as soon as I felt I was carrying life. My three first months, I was feeling tired and frustrated not to feel her yet inside me. As if she was not really here. I already had this urge of protecting her without knowing what I had to protect.
When she started kicking, I instantly felt life inside me and in a second, she made me become a mother, a protector, a guardian. It was biological, innate, my nature.

I carried her for 9 months. The first time I saw her, I looked at her confused. Did I know her? Who was she? Me, who was expecting to talk to her in my mother language straight away so she could hear my voice, I was speachless. In shock. Amazed. Scared. Breathless. Full of emotion but empty. Like out of my own body. I looked at her, I couldn't stop smiling, with a rather stupid expression (thanks to the video Daddy Yo took at this moment, I will be able to see my retarded and confused smile all my life and even show it to Alia) on my face but did not know what to tell to this baby I was supposed to embrace and love straight away. I was a mom and did not know where to start. I said "Alia... Hello!"

After two hours of rest, a hot chocolate from Starbucks and a sandwich, the nurses brought Alia in my room and Boooooooooom, the love at first sigh happened then. And love never stop growing.

For Daddy Yo, it seemed so natural. When Alia came out, he just started shouting "Ahoooohoooo" and talked to her to welcome her in the World. Back in the room and at home, he never been scared of caring her, changing her diapers. He even was the one burping her so I could rest. He is amazing with her. Loving, funny, caring.
But was it the man or the dad?

I remember one night, I needed to have a "girls time" with my other mommies-friends.
I left him after making sure she was sound asleep. Milk was in the fridge, diapers near the bed. Everything was set up. After my first glass of wine (the first one in months, the one so awaited!), Daddy Yo called me, freaking out because she woke up and would not stop crying. I ran home, opened the door, took a screaming and tearful baby in my arm and she instantly stopped crying.

I asked myself a lot of question about what make you a mom or a Mother? A dad or a Father?

Is being a dad more of a social thing?
It changed a lot through the years as we see men being more and more involved in the education of their kids. This summer, my grand dad was surprised to see that Daddy Yo knew how to carry Alia. He explained that during his time, men were providers. Not sugar daddies. They were not carrying the kids, it was a women thing. He had a point of regret in his voice and was quite impressed actually!

Do men need more time to adjust than us, moms?
Is it because moms don't have choice, don’t have the time to adjust?
Is it the 9 months bonding we have ahead of them?
Is it really biologocal for us?

Some people say babies can feel every emotion of their moms. When dads are other people are more of a neutral energy to them. They say also a mom will always know better, feel better and that things will come naturally.
I believe all of the above.

Daddies Yo around here in Boracay have unconventional jobs (I think a lot of people consider we, who live here, have an unconventional life): they manage bars, organize parties, teach Kite Surf and us, mommies are with the babies.
When I talked to my friends, I realized we all have the same issues. We live on an island with plenty of party and a constant outdoor life.

At first, I was angry to see Daddy Yo out kiting, out having a drink, out without me. Maybe I was scared, thinking I won't be able to handle Alia by my own. Feeling locked up at home, overwhelmed with Alia at some point.

Then I thought: am I angry at him for keeping living his life while mine was turned up side down or do I need time to get used to the fact MY life has COMPLETELY changed? Am I angry because I would like to go out or because I just feel alone at home, not being able to do what I used to do everyday? Would I want him to feel this urge of spending every second of his day with her and me ?

Then I realized: I made the choice to breastfeed her and give her the best I had. She was attached to me and I had to accept my life changed. iIf I had the choice between going out every night and spending my nights next to my baby, I would choose being home with her.

And then something hit me harder: It doesn't matter if he goes out to have a drink once in a while with his friends as long as he is a great daddy to Alia at the end of the day. As long as he is here for me when I need it most. Maybe he needs this to adjust. Maybe that’s his way to do the transition.

I asked him how it was for him to become a dad. He told me he didn’t felt it while I was pregnant. He knew, he was excited but he didn’t felt it yet. When he saw her at first, everything was going so fast. He didn’t realize.
The first time he felt he became a dad was when he hold her for the first time (and when he had to clean her poop as well!). He told me being a dad is not natural, it comes slowly, with practice. The more you bond, the more you feel Dad. The more you get to know her, the more you understand her.

Being parents is a hard path full of obstacles.
We have to adjust to a total new life turning around our baby, get to know and understand this little human being who is so different yet so yours...
We also have to find back our place as Woman and Man, Boyfriend and Girlfriend, Friend to someone... And we have to deal with each other different way to handle parenting.

I don't think you ever stop learning how to be a dad or a mom. Maybe being a dad is just a longer and slower process.
I believe the only way we can cope with our partner and keep the relationship strong is Communication. And laugh.

Now Alia is almost 7 months. Time flew. After months and months of adjusting to our life, enjoying our new life with all the Ups and Downs of being parents, we are still testing, trying, searching. I think we found a good balance this last two weeks:

A bit of US time and party time once or twice a week.
Daddy time if I'm working in the morning and he's not busy working himself.
Mommy and play dates time or family time in the afternoon.
And ME time if Daddy Yo sees his friends when Alia is sleeping.

Let them know how you feel, open your heart to them, open your ears for them, don't be afraid to talk about your fear, remind them what is important for you and don't forget what is important for them. Learn how to compromise and remember to be selflessness. Happy parents will make happy babies. Don't be selfish: think about what is best for your child, even if it means a few years putting your life on hold for some things you used to do. And laugh about everything. About him, about yourself, about life and your fear of being a parent.

When you found the way to apply all of this daily, give me the formula!
Let me know when you do it and remind me to do it as well everyday.