When she started kicking, I instantly felt life inside me and in a second, she made me become a mother, a protector, a guardian. It was biological, innate, my nature.
I carried her for 9 months. The first time I saw her, I looked at her confused. Did I know her? Who was she? Me, who was expecting to talk to her in my mother language straight away so she could hear my voice, I was speachless. In shock. Amazed. Scared. Breathless. Full of emotion but empty. Like out of my own body. I looked at her, I couldn't stop smiling, with a rather stupid expression (thanks to the video Daddy Yo took at this moment, I will be able to see my retarded and confused smile all my life and even show it to Alia) on my face but did not know what to tell to this baby I was supposed to embrace and love straight away. I was a mom and did not know where to start. I said "Alia... Hello!"
After two hours of rest, a hot chocolate from Starbucks and a sandwich, the nurses brought Alia in my room and Boooooooooom, the love at first sigh happened then. And love never stop growing.
For Daddy Yo, it seemed so natural. When Alia came out, he just started shouting "Ahoooohoooo" and talked to her to welcome her in the World. Back in the room and at home, he never been scared of caring her, changing her diapers. He even was the one burping her so I could rest. He is amazing with her. Loving, funny, caring.
But was it the man or the dad?
I remember one night, I needed to have a "girls time" with my other mommies-friends.
I left him after making sure she was sound asleep. Milk was in the fridge, diapers near the bed. Everything was set up. After my first glass of wine (the first one in months, the one so awaited!), Daddy Yo called me, freaking out because she woke up and would not stop crying. I ran home, opened the door, took a screaming and tearful baby in my arm and she instantly stopped crying.
I asked myself a lot of question about what make you a mom or a Mother? A dad or a Father?
It changed a lot through the years as we see men being more and more involved in the education of their kids. This summer, my grand dad was surprised to see that Daddy Yo knew how to carry Alia. He explained that during his time, men were providers. Not sugar daddies. They were not carrying the kids, it was a women thing. He had a point of regret in his voice and was quite impressed actually!
Do men need more time to adjust than us, moms?
Is it because moms don't have choice, don’t have the time to adjust?
Is it the 9 months bonding we have ahead of them?
Is it really biologocal for us?
Some people say babies can feel every emotion of their moms. When dads are other people are more of a neutral energy to them. They say also a mom will always know better, feel better and that things will come naturally.
I believe all of the above.
Daddies Yo around here in Boracay have unconventional jobs (I think a lot of people consider we, who live here, have an unconventional life): they manage bars, organize parties, teach Kite Surf and us, mommies are with the babies.
When I talked to my friends, I realized we all have the same issues. We live on an island with plenty of party and a constant outdoor life.
At first, I was angry to see Daddy Yo out kiting, out having a drink, out without me. Maybe I was scared, thinking I won't be able to handle Alia by my own. Feeling locked up at home, overwhelmed with Alia at some point.
Then I thought: am I angry at him for keeping living his life while mine was turned up side down or do I need time to get used to the fact MY life has COMPLETELY changed? Am I angry because I would like to go out or because I just feel alone at home, not being able to do what I used to do everyday? Would I want him to feel this urge of spending every second of his day with her and me ?
Then I realized: I made the choice to breastfeed her and give her the best I had. She was attached to me and I had to accept my life changed. iIf I had the choice between going out every night and spending my nights next to my baby, I would choose being home with her.
And then something hit me harder: It doesn't matter if he goes out to have a drink once in a while with his friends as long as he is a great daddy to Alia at the end of the day. As long as he is here for me when I need it most. Maybe he needs this to adjust. Maybe that’s his way to do the transition.
I asked him how it was for him to become a dad. He told me he didn’t felt it while I was pregnant. He knew, he was excited but he didn’t felt it yet. When he saw her at first, everything was going so fast. He didn’t realize.
The first time he felt he became a dad was when he hold her for the first time (and when he had to clean her poop as well!). He told me being a dad is not natural, it comes slowly, with practice. The more you bond, the more you feel Dad. The more you get to know her, the more you understand her.
Being parents is a hard path full of obstacles.
We have to adjust to a total new life turning around our baby, get to know and understand this little human being who is so different yet so yours...
We also have to find back our place as Woman and Man, Boyfriend and Girlfriend, Friend to someone... And we have to deal with each other different way to handle parenting.
I don't think you ever stop learning how to be a dad or a mom. Maybe being a dad is just a longer and slower process.
I believe the only way we can cope with our partner and keep the relationship strong is Communication. And laugh.
Now Alia is almost 7 months. Time flew. After months and months of adjusting to our life, enjoying our new life with all the Ups and Downs of being parents, we are still testing, trying, searching. I think we found a good balance this last two weeks:
A bit of US time and party time once or twice a week.
Daddy time if I'm working in the morning and he's not busy working himself.
Mommy and play dates time or family time in the afternoon.
And ME time if Daddy Yo sees his friends when Alia is sleeping.
Let them know how you feel, open your heart to them, open your ears for them, don't be afraid to talk about your fear, remind them what is important for you and don't forget what is important for them. Learn how to compromise and remember to be selflessness. Happy parents will make happy babies. Don't be selfish: think about what is best for your child, even if it means a few years putting your life on hold for some things you used to do. And laugh about everything. About him, about yourself, about life and your fear of being a parent.
When you found the way to apply all of this daily, give me the formula!
Let me know when you do it and remind me to do it as well everyday.
Hi Pauline,
ReplyDeleteWe haven't met but I have seen your party photos on the island and heard a few stories about you (nothing revealing or detrimental) from Denise.
I've read through all your posts here and I find it really a very important read for would-be moms. What I mean is for those women who are DEDICATED TO BEING MOMS. The fact that you live on an island with a close knit group of friends with kids of their own (more like a tribe now) is a big help for you, your friends too, and especially your children.
First, the environment is great for raising kids; second, the community and the "tribe" (I'm saying this without derision but rather with admiration)is a great source of support that strengthens the bond of children with their parents, with others, and with their coping mechanism; third,the proximity of your workplace to home is and the relaxing atmosphere of a beach removes much of the tension and aggravation that urban dwellers have gotten used to.
I don't have a formula you seek and I doubt if there is one. However, let me give you some things I learned along the way from the perspective of a man - a father- who has had to deal with these eight times in three different situation under stressful conditions requiring a balancing act that never seems to be enough. I will limit myself however to what I can consider normal from a man's perspective.
There is truth in what they say that motherhood comes natural to women, although others choose a different path after they feel they've done enough and need to return to their careers. For men, fatherhood is not so natural since men "Mature" much later than women. The urge to be boys is always stronger than being a father. Add to this the derision from peers or drinking buddies that the man has changed and is domesticated ( we fancied ourselves as Wild so being called domesticated was a big put down). There is also the nagging thought that being pulled into the home by the wife is being henpecked and tears up that foolish notion of being "Macho" ( an invented term that replaces bad attitude and manners). Luckily, I was with a group who made mature by the circumstances of the time (Martial Law)and I made some initiatives that proved to be correct. Don't get me wrong, I got better with time and I am at my best as a grandfather, but I still feel there is a need to improve. Grandfathering is a way and an opportunity for me to correct the mistakes I made in raising my own kids.
(Continued on next comment since there is a limit to the number of characters)
I always showed confidence at home and always expressed caring for both mother and first child (Data)because I sensed the insecurity of the mother about whether she was doing things right or not. I always agreed with what was being done but slowly changing these when I sense that it is better for the child. I always made reassurances and acted confidently even if I was uncertain with a lot of things. We took turns waking up at night to prepare milk ( the baby breastfed at daytime until prior to sleeping at night) and stayed the whole day on weekends to be with the baby whenever I was in Manila. In short, I provided reassurance to the wife, support for her methods, suggested new methods, felt and studied the child as I put her to sleep and as she woke and interacted with me. I did this 8 times as a father. But what I never expressed were my own fears, some stupid like: will my baby girl pay for all the stupidness I have done? Will I have enough resources to fully support what she needs to be raised properly and well? Will I be capable enough to provide her the time she needs to develop a strong bond that would build her own coping mechanism? And a zillion other things. All these I kept to myself which somehow spilled out with my closest drinking buddies.
ReplyDeleteI can understand your dilemma about raising a child, about getting your life back and having your own time; including the conscious effort to provide safety, choosing to be home than returning to work, letting Alia learn independence, and the heart being torn apart by her crying. All of these seem conflicting or selfish or too much of a sacrifice depending on what you choose to do. But if you analyze things, all this is about you and your level of confidence or certainty that you're doing right by your child.
There are two things you have to distinguish Pauline, Bonding and Attachment. Attachment refers to need to be together physically and emotionally. Bonding refers to trust, yet it is the glue to attachment. Showing that you trust Alia at a very early age will strengthen that bond and attachment.Forever.
Now, the attachment is normal and so are the conflicting emotions. However, your perspective of a world may be different from hers even if nothing changes within the next 14 years when she's in her teens. If things do change, you will still tend to see the world from your perspective and make comparisons to how she may be doing things at that time. Most parents have this tendency, and kids hate it.
ReplyDeleteLet me say this however, that based on what I've read, you're doing great - much much better than some moms I know here. Talk to her. Tell her what you feel even if she doesn't understand. Apologize too if need be, but most of all, show affection. That night when you left her with Daddy Yo and she cried; that was simply a longing for what is familiar to Alia, and she grew inside you and that is her natural habitat. That attachment and unconscious bond is there and should never be replaced. You have to instruct your child caring person to say to Alia that "mom is at work to make a better future for Alia, she misses Alia so much, but Mom will be back to play and put Alia to bed." And when you arrive home, let the caregiver say "Alia, there's Mom, she loves and missed you so much!" She will not seem to understand, but believe me, she will, sooner than you think.
You said people suggested "listening to your heart" but that even your heart is confused. Don't stress yourself with what you need to do or to be - or what you need to do but don't even know anything about it. Just focus on Alia, feel her, look into her eyes when you speak to her. Use short statements she can process easily. With her its sensing, feeling, touching, hearing. Such that, avoid abrupt movements like screaming when she almost falls, or grabbing things in anger or fear. If the time comes when she gets bratty, just remove her gently from the situation without raising your voice, or just make a motion to remove her hand or feet from your face, or what she is holding or attempting to grab that could break. No warning or scolding tones, words or emotions. Just act normally to correct it. The scolding tone, word, or emotion will confuse her because she relates to you under conditions of affection, caring and tenderness. The confusion will damage her trust in that environment.
I don't know if this is helping, I only know its getting very long. In shorter terms let me summarize by saying these: Focus on her needs, not on your imagined limitations. Know her and in time, you will know her inclinations and dispositions. She will not stay speechless for long, and when she lears to speak, she will be unstoppable. If you learn other things from others that work, don't feel guilty, just do it. Use love not authority; use understanding, not impositions; use reason, not prohibition; use equality not domination.
I hope this helps, and I hope you continue with this blog. There are too many kids raised the wrong way and the honest feelings expressed here beats any baby book i have ever read. Keep posting.
Al Papacino
PS
ReplyDeleteUse your great sense oh humor and lively personality to extract whatever tensions there are from your aura and to make her feel that everything can be fun. Find the fun and happiness in anything you do and would like to let her experience, not the anxiety - which she will also sense from you.
Sorry for the misspelled words and seemingly hanging sentences. The fingers couldn't catch up with the brain.
Dear Al Papacino,
ReplyDeleteI heard a lot about you and I truly admired you as a dad long before this comments. Now, I admire you even more.
Not many men open their heart as you do about being a father and a grand father. Thank you for the tips, I will apply them! I trust your way when I see how you raised Denise: it can only rock, right?!!!!
I will always use humor to raise Alia and Daddy Yo does not know how NOT to use humor to live life. So I am sure she will be surrounded by laughter!
Your words went straight to my heart and YES, I will keep learning and posting (and will try to doubt less)
I hope I will get to meet you one day and tell you face to face how a great job you did as I have seen so far!