Light my fire!

Thanks to my friend Abbey, we had laughter and smiles today!

Despite the awful and long night, we had a great breakfast. Babies were playing and we also got to stay over for lunch to celebrate Alia's 7th month!! Pizza and pasta party. We took a nice walk around and went home mid-afternoon.

Alia was restless (she didn't took a proper nap since 6:30 am and it was already 4:30 pm) so I decided to walk on the beach for her to fall asleep in the carrier. At least she could rest 30 minutes. Better than nothing. Two friends I met while walking told me the same thing: if there is a next time, check yourself out in a hotel or go to a friend's place for three days. Sleep, rest. It will be easier on your daughter and you'll get to recover fully to be the kicking-mom you are everyday. I hope there won't be a next time, but if ever there is, I'll think twice about this option! As you think about it, it is quite true. How can you recover fully (and go back to breastfeed at night and work during the day) while you are sick, handling almost by your own a frustrated baby who scream during the day and most of the night? You are not helpful at home as you can't breastfeed the baby and every time baby sees you, she doesn't want the bottle anymore and scream.

Anyway, today was a good playdate that lightened my week.

I love playdates with Abbey's son as Alia is always so excited so see him. Plus, she LOVES to copy him. Which is great for her to learn new tricks. Plus, I get to chat with a very good friend.

When we travelled to Malaysia with them three month ago, Alia learnt from her best mate how to play with her tongue and spread saliva all over. She did the trick over and over and still does! Her favorite time to do it? In the morning, to wake us up! A morning shower!!

Alia and I in Kuala Lumpur

When we hanged out for three days in a row in the afternoon two months ago, Alia studied how her mate would jump as a frog (to try to crawl) and tried hard to do the same. Sadly for her, she was too young to do the same as they are a month and a half apart.

Today, she was so proud to show him what she could do on her four but he was even more proud showing off his new skills: standing up by his own!!

Oh, she's trying hard to catch up with him now! When we went home, we put her in her crib for a while and she was trying to grab anything that could help her standing up. If I'd help her, she would grab the side of her crib and stand like this, trying to look over the bed (I'll show you pictures tomorrow as the camera is in the bedroom and I don't want to risk waking up my little crying monster).

Playdates are great times for babies as young as this to learn how to socialize, borrow, lend, share. It will take time for them to get this notions. But the earlier you teach them, the more normal it will become to them.

We have a big group of babies here on the island. We call ourselves the Boracay Baby Boomers. Our kids are between 2 years old and... still on the way. And knowing they will grow together is great as we can really teach them how to act in a group of kids. Patience, kindness, gentleness, politeness with others are some basic I want Alia to learn as young as possible.

But one step at a time!

Tonight is the last rough night and tomorrow, we are back to normal!! More crying from both mother and daughter will be rewarded by a tight cuddle in the morning while breastfeeding. And we will get to forget about this past dark few days!

I can see the light!

Drugs and other tales

Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez, As long as I am not breastfeeding, I would make good use of a bottle of wine! Or even a bottle of Tequila...

Like, the whole bottle, or maybe two or three! BUT, I am still taking medicines so it is out of question for my biggest disappointment. Or two days in a SPA by my own, away from any responsibility. At least, I won't have the hangover.

Yesterday evening was surprisingly fine. Alia was tired, she drank her bottle in my arms then fell asleep very fast (in our bed). Boom, 7:30pm. Easy!

I made sure to explain her over and over again why I cannot breastfeed her: "I am taking medicines and this medicines are going in my milk so the milk is not good for you for the time I will take them. It is because I am sick and I don't want you to be sick so I am trying to recover very soon! But I love you so much and on Saturday, the boobies are ALL yours!"

Then she woke up a little while after and it was a bit more challenging to put her back to sleep but I managed without even giving her milk. Only cuddles and comfort. I was kinda proud at this point and thinking it was going to be quite easy after all.

Then she woke up at 2 am and cried, cried, cried, cried... until 4:30 am. Pushing the bottle away, screaming in my arms while pulling my shirt, screaming in Daddy Yo's arms. We were tired and helpless. I ended up sitting on the floor while he was trying to put her back to sleep for the unpteenth time. My milk was leaking, my boobs were so painful and my headache was making it impossible for me to go to the kitchen and pump. Thanks to the antibiotics, I got dehydrated and started to have pain while peeing (yes, here is the naked truth of a mom under antibiotics, sorry!)

She finally fell asleep on Daddy Yo's chest and slept until 8 am. Nice, would you tell me, right? But I was up a bit before 7, with a massive headache, going to pee every 15 minutes. 

I went back to sleep for an hour while Alia was sleeping after breakfast. A precious hour. Very very precious. As she didn't feel asleep until... 7:15 pm. After a lot of cuddling, reassuring words, lullabies and dancing.

She spent the afternoon crying, pulling my shirt, playing, crying again as she was so sleepy, drinking her bottle then pushing it away for the next meal. And I spent the afternoon crying, feeling guilty for being sick (Stupid, right? As if I could do anything against it. But you know, Guilt still kicked at my front door), pumping and holding my painful head.  A hell of an afternoon for both Alia and me.

     Loosing it in a good way!

Good friends came to visit. That highlighted my day! 

One of our mommy friend came to announce us that we can get our puppy whenever we want after I recovered (Puppy!!!!!!!!!!!! Cute black and brown puppy!! Half Labrador, half Husky). We already baptised him Pampu.x

Another dear friend who gave birth to the cutest boy a month and half before me (one of Alia's best travel/play date/learning buddy so far) came with a flower, food and a good chat. How good do you feel after that?!!! Before knowing I had a huge stock of breast milk in my fridge, the first thing she offered me was to pump a bottle of milk a day for Alia (if ever Alia was going to take formula while I could not feed her). Telling you that I appreciated her offer is beyond it! There are no words to express my feelings. I was deeply touched.

Tomorrow, I will start my day by a breakfast in my friend's place so Alia can play with her son. And I believe our day will be better.

As Bernard Meltzer was saying, "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

For better or For Worse

The worst thing that could happen to the breastfeeding mom I am just happened.

I am not allowed to breastfeed Alia for 3 days due to an intake of antibiotics.

It's been a few days I was feeling tired and my throat was sightly painful but I did not mind it as we were too busy packing our stuffs to move in a bigger place.

We moved in on Sunday (thankfully, good friends of Daddy Yo did ALL the "carrying-all-the-heavy-boxes so I didn't have to carry anything but Alia) and I spent the evening unpacking things. On monday morning, I woke up and carried some furnitures to put them here and there and unpacked some more boxes before going to work.

In the evening, I started to feel really tired.
Then cold. I live in the Philippines and it's never really cold here.
I went to sleep early with Alia and woke up shaking. Daddy Yo covered me with a lot of blankets but I was still cold. I check my temperature: 38.5°C!

My head was painful, my glands were swollen in the throat and I was feverish.
I spent the night feeding Alia and waking up because of the pain.

On tuesday, thankfully, I was allowed to stay at home until I recover. The whole day, the fever went up and down and the pain was so strong in the whole area of my head. I slept more than Alia. The only way I could sleep was to put this iced gel pack on my eyes.

In the evening, I was shaking again. I went to sleep with 38.8°C.

Last night was the same than the night before. Waking up all the time, taking paracetamol, putting some iced gel pack on my eyes.

This morning, we went straight to the doctor who explained me I am having an infection due to nasal congestion that leads to an ear congestion. The only way I could recover was antibiotics and pain killers.

I asked her if, by any chances, this antibiotics was compatible with breastfeeding and of course, she explained me that most antibiotics are not, this one included.
She saw the tears coming up my eyes and told me she could give me the 3 days solution. I accepted, went home, cried while pumping, feed Alia and took my medicines.

The only good thing is I always had so much milk I was pumping and freezing it just in case something like this would happen. So Alia has like 2 liters of milk inside the fridge. She will still drink my milk but out of a bottle. Milk in a separate freezer can stay up to 6 months frozen. Think about it!!!

Since I took my medicines, she had a very hard time falling asleep because she didn't understand why she could not breastfeed before sleeping. We fed her her lunch and still she was pulling my shirt and crying.

And my heart is breaking...

The hardest gonna be during the nights as she never wanted to take a bottle if I was next to her. We might put her in her crib as it will be worst if she can smell my milk.

Daddy Yo and I are going to have a few long nights ahead of us...

"Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children"

A few days ago, I went across this quote from Margaret Mead: "Motherhood is a biological fact, while fatherhood is a social invention."

As a mother, I felt mom as soon as I felt I was carrying life. My three first months, I was feeling tired and frustrated not to feel her yet inside me. As if she was not really here. I already had this urge of protecting her without knowing what I had to protect.
When she started kicking, I instantly felt life inside me and in a second, she made me become a mother, a protector, a guardian. It was biological, innate, my nature.

I carried her for 9 months. The first time I saw her, I looked at her confused. Did I know her? Who was she? Me, who was expecting to talk to her in my mother language straight away so she could hear my voice, I was speachless. In shock. Amazed. Scared. Breathless. Full of emotion but empty. Like out of my own body. I looked at her, I couldn't stop smiling, with a rather stupid expression (thanks to the video Daddy Yo took at this moment, I will be able to see my retarded and confused smile all my life and even show it to Alia) on my face but did not know what to tell to this baby I was supposed to embrace and love straight away. I was a mom and did not know where to start. I said "Alia... Hello!"

After two hours of rest, a hot chocolate from Starbucks and a sandwich, the nurses brought Alia in my room and Boooooooooom, the love at first sigh happened then. And love never stop growing.

For Daddy Yo, it seemed so natural. When Alia came out, he just started shouting "Ahoooohoooo" and talked to her to welcome her in the World. Back in the room and at home, he never been scared of caring her, changing her diapers. He even was the one burping her so I could rest. He is amazing with her. Loving, funny, caring.
But was it the man or the dad?

I remember one night, I needed to have a "girls time" with my other mommies-friends.
I left him after making sure she was sound asleep. Milk was in the fridge, diapers near the bed. Everything was set up. After my first glass of wine (the first one in months, the one so awaited!), Daddy Yo called me, freaking out because she woke up and would not stop crying. I ran home, opened the door, took a screaming and tearful baby in my arm and she instantly stopped crying.

I asked myself a lot of question about what make you a mom or a Mother? A dad or a Father?

Is being a dad more of a social thing?
It changed a lot through the years as we see men being more and more involved in the education of their kids. This summer, my grand dad was surprised to see that Daddy Yo knew how to carry Alia. He explained that during his time, men were providers. Not sugar daddies. They were not carrying the kids, it was a women thing. He had a point of regret in his voice and was quite impressed actually!

Do men need more time to adjust than us, moms?
Is it because moms don't have choice, don’t have the time to adjust?
Is it the 9 months bonding we have ahead of them?
Is it really biologocal for us?

Some people say babies can feel every emotion of their moms. When dads are other people are more of a neutral energy to them. They say also a mom will always know better, feel better and that things will come naturally.
I believe all of the above.

Daddies Yo around here in Boracay have unconventional jobs (I think a lot of people consider we, who live here, have an unconventional life): they manage bars, organize parties, teach Kite Surf and us, mommies are with the babies.
When I talked to my friends, I realized we all have the same issues. We live on an island with plenty of party and a constant outdoor life.

At first, I was angry to see Daddy Yo out kiting, out having a drink, out without me. Maybe I was scared, thinking I won't be able to handle Alia by my own. Feeling locked up at home, overwhelmed with Alia at some point.

Then I thought: am I angry at him for keeping living his life while mine was turned up side down or do I need time to get used to the fact MY life has COMPLETELY changed? Am I angry because I would like to go out or because I just feel alone at home, not being able to do what I used to do everyday? Would I want him to feel this urge of spending every second of his day with her and me ?

Then I realized: I made the choice to breastfeed her and give her the best I had. She was attached to me and I had to accept my life changed. iIf I had the choice between going out every night and spending my nights next to my baby, I would choose being home with her.

And then something hit me harder: It doesn't matter if he goes out to have a drink once in a while with his friends as long as he is a great daddy to Alia at the end of the day. As long as he is here for me when I need it most. Maybe he needs this to adjust. Maybe that’s his way to do the transition.

I asked him how it was for him to become a dad. He told me he didn’t felt it while I was pregnant. He knew, he was excited but he didn’t felt it yet. When he saw her at first, everything was going so fast. He didn’t realize.
The first time he felt he became a dad was when he hold her for the first time (and when he had to clean her poop as well!). He told me being a dad is not natural, it comes slowly, with practice. The more you bond, the more you feel Dad. The more you get to know her, the more you understand her.

Being parents is a hard path full of obstacles.
We have to adjust to a total new life turning around our baby, get to know and understand this little human being who is so different yet so yours...
We also have to find back our place as Woman and Man, Boyfriend and Girlfriend, Friend to someone... And we have to deal with each other different way to handle parenting.

I don't think you ever stop learning how to be a dad or a mom. Maybe being a dad is just a longer and slower process.
I believe the only way we can cope with our partner and keep the relationship strong is Communication. And laugh.

Now Alia is almost 7 months. Time flew. After months and months of adjusting to our life, enjoying our new life with all the Ups and Downs of being parents, we are still testing, trying, searching. I think we found a good balance this last two weeks:

A bit of US time and party time once or twice a week.
Daddy time if I'm working in the morning and he's not busy working himself.
Mommy and play dates time or family time in the afternoon.
And ME time if Daddy Yo sees his friends when Alia is sleeping.

Let them know how you feel, open your heart to them, open your ears for them, don't be afraid to talk about your fear, remind them what is important for you and don't forget what is important for them. Learn how to compromise and remember to be selflessness. Happy parents will make happy babies. Don't be selfish: think about what is best for your child, even if it means a few years putting your life on hold for some things you used to do. And laugh about everything. About him, about yourself, about life and your fear of being a parent.

When you found the way to apply all of this daily, give me the formula!
Let me know when you do it and remind me to do it as well everyday.

Love Lane

From now on, I will have to repeat my "gratitude for work" mantra every single day until the feeling becomes real. In theory, it is a great lesson of life! In practice... it's a different story.

My first day of work was surprisingly quite fine leaving Alia at home as she was sleeping when I left. The key words are "sleeping when I left"! As yesterday and this morning, she was awake. And that is a COMPLETELY different deal to handle!

I think she was fine actually. But it was a bit harder for me as the guilt grew inside me.

Am I really doing the right choice? Is it really a lesson of life I am teaching her? Is it really a gift I am doing to myself? Yes, I am sure of that.

But am I not going to regret it later? When I will realize she is a little girl and I will miss the "baby her". Am I not going to think I should have enjoyed every single second of her "baby-hood"? That is a thought that was running in my head last night. And I don't have answer to this one...

And while I was still lost in this thought this morning while trying to put her to sleep in her crib, I was questioning as well the usefulness of letting my child cry (even for 10 minutes) in order for her to sleep in her own bed. I will try to stick with this as it is more for her safety than for the sake of it. I know she will crawl anytime soon and if she keeps sleeping in our bed for resting time, there will be a time she will inevitably fall off the bed. If I can, as far as possible avoid it, I will. Safety versus Comfort. Even if the answer is obvious, it does not make it any easier.

I guess THIS IS what being a mom. To constantly make decision for your child without knowing if it is the best.

Listen to your heart and follow it, they say.

But sometimes, even my heart is confused...

Good morning World... and good night!

Today was the day I went back to the office! First time in 8 months...

Challenging day as Daddy Yo left at 5am for a short trip to Manila. So, here I and Alia are. Daddiless for three days. Hopefully we have an amazing nanny, Ate Jen, who started working for us when Alia was a month old. It's so important so find someone who you can trust with your eyes closed and leave your baby without worrying every second!

Early this morning, Daddy Yo kissed us goodbye: I was awaken enough to register he was leaving but not enough to really answer him back. "Ummmmmfffff" was the only thing I could actually tell him. Alia was sound asleep next to me. Until 6am, when I heard her giggling and saw her crawling backward, her feet already at the edge of the bed.

THAT woke me up!

After jumping to grab her, putting her back in the middle of the bed and building a wall of pillows (around her and on the floor), I threw all her toys in front of her and allowed myself half an hour of extra sleep (to be ready to go back to work without falling asleep on the keyboard of my computer of my first day).

The next thing I know was that Sophie beat me up. For those who know her, yes that Sophie, the Giraffe, the one and only, infamous, favorite rubber toy for teething! The same one Alia loves to grab, bite, pull, hit and throw. This time, Alia was holding the poor thing by the head and was furiously banging it on the bed (and my head at some point).

Anyway, THAT woke me up pretty hard and for good (I should check for bruises on my face by the way)!

I then, decided I slept enough. Or Alia decided. Even Sophie the Giraffe got into my way of sleeping longer. After a well deserved coffee, a good breakfast, a fast shower, feeding Alia, pumping some milk and preparing myself mentally (more for leaving Alia 5 hours than going back to work), I left under the rain.

Five hours, it is long without her. I rushed home to hear Alia starting crying when I reached the garden. She looked at me with her teary eyes and welcomed me with open arms. My heart melted as I squeezed her and drowned her with kisses!

After giving birth, my friends and I went to a "Mommies and Babies" yoga class. Our amazing and beautiful teacher told us one thing that I will never forget: Moms who are working are lucky. Even if it seems hard to leave our babies behind, we get the chance to miss them, show them a good example of sacrifice and independence, have some time for us and come back home as better moms.

It's going to be hard sometimes, I'll need to adjust myself. But I am grateful I have the opportunity to go back to work and use my brain, set my daughter a good example of independence and feel all her Love flooding me when I come home!

Tomorrow, I am ready again!

Apart from Sophie the Giraffe...

"A cheerful friend is like a sunny day spreading brightness all around!"

Today, we were off to Nabaoi for the second birthday of Alia's friend.

Amazing bamboo house near the river, good food, great company. Most of Alia's friends were there and they got to play, grab each other's hair, swim...

Anyway, let me explain more about Alia's friends. And mine, by the way.

We live on a small island in the Philippines. About 10 square kilometers. And a lot of good friends from everywhere around the world who decided to live the Life by moving here (I am one of them). We manage hotels, own restaurants, teach kitesurfing or yoga, run our small businesses, and party.

Between 2010 and 2012, quite a few of my girlfriends got pregnant (including me): nothing weirdly planned ahead but the fact is more than 10 babies were born, one after another, to create a happy bundle of playmates! And a few more are on their way... How fun you will tell me. Yes, indeed!

But being a mom is hard. And tiring. And frustrating even, sometimes. Come on, if motherhood was easy, dads would do it, right?

So, a few times a week, we meet to go out of the house, have grown-up time while our kids play together, seek for advices, talk about our joys and fears, unload our tiredness and clear our minds on the beach or at each other's place, around a drink or lunch.

Who else better than another mom can understand when you are so tired you hold it against your baby's cry for a second before hating yourself for doing so? Or how hard it can be to cope with the daddies' totally different way to deal with fatherhood (it does not make them any less amazing dads)? Or the challenge to go back to work and keep breastfeeding? The lack of sleep? The body modification? Need I keep going?

I am lucky to live in a place where everybody know each other. Where the longest ride you can take is 15 mins by tricycle, where you can even walk to any places you want to go. Where your work is never far from your house and there is always someone to help you.

I live in a "holiday-spirit" all year round.

But what makes really easier the fact of being a new mom is my group of mommies. Not only our babies already have a lot of playmates to grow up with, I have found way more than just friends. A ear to listen, a shoulder to cry and a good spirit to have a glass of wine and laugh when the babies are sound asleep!

Hasta la siesta, Baby!

That's it!

Two days ago we finally decided we will put Alia in her crib for her siesta. The reason of this change? She's rolling and moving so fast now, we can't even turn our back anymore when she's asleep on our bed. Even the pillows we put around her are not enough for her to roll over it anymore. So safety first! Crib it is.

Little did I know...

Yes, my friends warned me she will cry. Yes, my friends told me to be strong. But this??? This heavy tears, this little hands trying to reach me... I felt like a monster.

I sang her songs, held her hand, stayed next to her until she fell asleep. She finally did and I can say proudly that everyday, she's falling asleep faster in her crib.

Was is traumatic? Yes. For her, I don't think so. For me, definitely!

I am glad she is safe in her crib. I am glad I can work while she is asleep. And Daddy Yo is, too. But... we will miss not moving for two hours, sitting on the bed because she fell asleep in our arms (and we could have put her down but we did not want).

Good thing we still have all our nights to see her falling asleep between us, grabbing our shirts to make sure we are next to her, rolling to cuddle up in her daddy's arm and putting her leg on top of my arm to find comfort.

I find comfort too having her next to me.

And she turns my world upside down

I used to have a lot of principles about how I will be as a mom:

• I will NOT co-sleep. Never! Too scary. Plus the beds are made for parents

• I will NOT breastfeed. I wasn't breastfed and I'm still alive! Plus, I want my freedom and I want the dad to have his share of the work.

• My kids will have their own room as soon as they are old enough to sleep through the night. 

• My kids will NEVER eat processed food as long as I can control it.

• I will keep traveling with them and make them discover the beauty of the world.

• Baby girls are boring. I will have a baby boy first.

So far, I can check two boxes out of six. The four others have been swept away the day I gave birth to Alia Florentina, 6 months ago.

First of all and obviously, I had a girl. And this is the best thing in the world!

We have a crib, nice crib, with the changing table and all. She used it three times in the past 6 months. 

She doesn't even have a room yet. 

She doesn't like to drink from a bottle as she is breastfeeding: it is my favorite part of being a mom and I'm even wondering what was I thinking when I thought I would want to be anywhere else than with my baby!

I was right about the two most important things of my list.

I love to prepare her food with fresh product and I will not give her something to eat if I could not eat it myself. Seeing her face as she discovers new tastes is priceless and I get to eat more healthy too (or at least I try. Or at least, it's in my future plans...)

She already took her first plane when she was two weeks old (from Manila where I gave birth to our home-island, Boracay) and at 6 months old, she already went to Malaysia, France and Switzerland.

I guess we are raising her to be a perfect little travel buddy.

But, this will be a topic for a future post!

I realize having a baby is nothing like you can imagine. It doesn't change who you are but it changes something deep inside you. 

You discover what love is. And pain, tiredness, patience... 

You grow.