If I could have taken your pain away!

Fear is only as deep as the mind allows, says a Japanese proverb.

That day of November 2016, my mind let fear enter for a short while only. But I still have the taste of it in my mouth.

It is funny. If I read what I wrote last, it was about you, my love. Gaia. About your second birthday and all the joy you are bringing us every day. You, our fearless and wild one.

But a few days after your second birthday, your fearless and wild self grabbed a bowl of boiling tea on the table. You were so fast. Everything went so fast. And in less that a second, you were screaming...

My parents and I removed her clothes in a blink of an eye and rushed her to the kitchen sink. We let cold water run over her body. I was composed, calm and efficient. I believe I am not the type who is panicking when the girls get hurt or get daredevil.

But then, I saw it. Her skin, her soft, perfect, beautiful baby skin starting to melt in front of my eyes. This is when my mind plunged right into the deepest distress I have ever known. I screamed to my father to hold her and stumbled onto the sofa, in the living room. I remember Alia, standing there, watching us silently, without understanding. I remember my face in my hands. I remember screaming. Just a scream.

A few days later, my mother told me that this scream made her understand it was more serious than just a little burn.

After some pain killer and twenty minutes under running water, we jumped on our motorbike and rushed her to the clinic where she was taken care of by an amazing doctor. She did everything she had to do and more: calm Gaia, comfort me, panse her wounds and show love and compassion.

She reassured me Gaia will not have a single scare. She promised me Gaia will go home and play.

Two hours of being in a state of shock, sitting in the sofa back home, then Gaia fell asleep for a couple of hours. When she woke up, she took her pain killers and indeed, ran to play with Alia.

The next week was nothing but change her dressings, give her showers while she was crying out of fear for pain and taking care of her.

We also called a healer to take the fire away from her little body. Gaia was asleep when the woman arrived. She started working on her relaxed and sleeping body when Gaia woke up. She looked at her, closed her eyes again and let the biggest sight of relief out. She then let the healer move her around to work of every burned area of her body. Right after this day, I believe the wounds dried and healed faster.

Gaia sustained second degree burns on her shoulder, chest, side body, lower back. And a few first degree burns around her belly and mouth.

A few weeks later, her skin was healed but the pigmentation has not yet recovered. Thanks to a mix of essential oils a dear friend mixed for us, a few months later, we could not see where the burns used to be.

I realised I did not write anything since, because I was scared of facing that day, in front of the white page of my computer. But I coud not continue without writing about this scariest event of my life.

The day I wished I could take the pain away from my child.

"And though she be but little, she is fierce"

I grew up wanting to be a boy.

In the World we grow up in, we have this weird belief (and a part of it is true although completely unfair and unjustified) that if you are a man, you have more freedom, things are easier, you are more powerful, you can achieve much more, do whatever you want and be whoever you want to be.

Do not get me wrong, I was always a strong willed, stubborn, independent girl. But I wanted to be a boy. I thought it was much cooler to be a boy. A boy could do any sports, dress however he wanted..

A boy did not have to deal with periods, shaving hair, breast growing, boys constantly cat-calling you or insulting you for not giving them what they wanted. And they can pee standing up. How cool is that?

Then, I became a mother.

And I started learning the power of the women.

I think I actually became a feminist the day I gave birth to my first daughter.

I have learned much more about being a woman in the last 4 years of motherhood than in the past 30 years. I discovered our unbelievable and undying strength. I became more aware of women’s condition, I have opened up to the power and the gift of being a woman.

I believe I was always strong. But becoming a mother made me stronger in many ways.

Which, I have to say, may not be fun for my husband everyday.

Being married to an independent and strong woman may means that she will never take any of your bullshits. 

Well, I do not need my husband. I am with him because I want to be with him. Because I enjoy being with him and I love him.

But I do not need him in a dependent or clingy way.

I can travel by myself (and even alone with two toddlers). I am working and can earn a living. I can take decisions, pay my bills, cook, clean, paint the walls, drive my scooter, take opportunities, carry heavy stuff, use a hammer or handle the weekly budget of the household. 

Despite this, I still had my share of cat-calling, unwelcome hands on my butt, traumatising harassment etc. Lucky me, I was raised in a family that always been very open to talking, sharing and supporting. And a dad surrounded by sister, wife, daughters, nieces and grand-daughters all around.

Unfortunately, years pass and technology becomes more advanced but it looks like the condition of women is not. Social media make teenagers share way too much. It makes young girls feel like they have to prove something to earn attention from a boy. It feels like girls are trying to take each other down instead of raising each other up. That sex is coming before courting. If courting even exist anymore.

Movies and advertising made sex and violence look like it was normal daily thing in a life. Something you do to take power over someone or gain respect.

Rape became barely punishable. And we still are at the same point of thinking men are untouchable and girls could have avoided it.

Walking in a toy store or a clothes shop makes you realise girls are taught to be pretty and good housewives when boys are trained to be bold and adventurous. 

And it makes me feel scared, raising two girls in this World. 

And it makes me feel like I want to change things even harder.

And it makes me feel it will start with how I raise my girls.

And I am raising my daughters for them to always remember that a woman can do or be whatever she wants to. That she can think however she wants and that no one can look down on her because she is a woman.

Boys won’t be boys and girls are not supposed to be pretty and sweet. 

My girls are not sexy. My girls are children.

My girls can be superhero. They are mine already.

My girls can say no if they do not want to kiss you goodbye. 

My girls can climb trees and play cars.

My girls can be princesses without needing a prince.

My girls can love pink without having just this colour in their closet.

My girls can wear a two piece bikini one day and a board short the day after.

My girls can be pretty. But also smart, witty, funny, bold, fearless, loud, annoying, daredevil.

My girls can play dolls one minute and pirates the next one.

My girls do not have a boyfriend. They have friends that are boys.

My girls are not too fat nor too thin. They are strong and healthy.

My girls do not need to wear a dress to be beautiful. They will be beautiful because they are happy.

This two human being are teaching me so much  every single day.

About myself and what I should improve.

About the undying love and  unending strength a woman can hold in her.

About the strong meaning of what it is to be a woman.

So my girls will not grow up thinking it is ok a boy hits her as a way of showing his interest.

Nor they will grow up thinking their role is to be home.

Nor they will think they owe something to anyone.

Nor they will believe their only purpose is to make babies and make a man happy.

Nor they will think they have less worth than a man.

Nor they will learn how to use bullying or belittling someone in a way to gain friendship or coolness.

Nor they will wait for the Prince Charming to come along.

Our children may be wild at times but it is the price to pay to have strong adults when they are grown up. Some days are harder than others. 

Sometimes, doubt passes by in my mind. 

But in the end, I am following my heart and what I believe in.

I may be a pain in the ass for my husband at time, but it is all with a cause.

"Strong-willed children become adults who change the World as long as we can hang on for the ride and resist the temptation to "tame" the spirit out of them" Sarah Stogryn.

"And though she be but little, she is fierce", William Shakespeare.

Are we there yet?

"Each day of our lives, we make deposits in the memory banks of our children." Charles R. Swindoll

Playing in the park in Chartres

This past years have been challenging in many ways as Daddy Yo went to work abroad for the low season. It is the third summer I am spending alone with Alia and Gaia and of course, it is not a reason for us to stop the adventures! Last year, we went to visit my family in France then Daddy Yo in the USA. It was the first time for Gaia to go out of the Philippines, so it was quite an adventure for her! This year, we travelled to France and Switzerland. 

This is about me, the two girls, a big luggage, a couple of passport and too many airplanes.

Being a single parent is hard. I mean, you always have the perks of it: 

No one to fight over the movie to watch at night.

No one to fight over that last piece of chocolate or cheese after the children are gone to bed.

I am in charge of the menu, which means more healthy meals! (wink wink Daddy Yo!)

I am in charge of bedtime by myself, which means kids are going to sleep early and are not over excited and over stimulated right before sleeping (wink wink Daddy Yo!)

I am in charge of activities and daily schedule, which means I do not have a bad surprise when coming back from the shower seing kids painting on each other with textile paint.

Rolling down the hill

But it also can be overwhelming at time. And frustrating. Very frustrating.

I have very little break time. The kids are asking for my undivided attention at all time. Both of them. At the same time. Over different things.

One wants to breastfeed while the other one wants a cuddle. One wants to sit on my laps so the other one wants too. One is sick and needs me a lot more. The other one wants the same. One wants me to feed her, so I end up not eating with two children on my laps, feeding both of them.

Snack time!!!!!!!

And I am here in the middle. Pouring my love on them. Playing good cop, bad cop. Not having anyone who can step in and take over when I am ready to explode. And there are times when it gets to a point when I am craving to get my body back for an hour, a day. When no one will ask for me, touch me, grab me, climb on me, bite me, pull me, hang on my leg… It is a weird feeling when it seems your body doesn’t belong to you anymore. Not an single second of the day. 

Even at night :)

When Daddy Yo is here, we can share this. If one girl need me, he can take care of the other one. If I put one girl down for a nap, he will do something with the other one. They can share their needs between both of us. It seems a small, petty thing, but after 6 months of being more than their everything, it is hard for me. We may have a nanny but they don’t want them as they want their parents, of course. At least I am glad for that! They can still make the difference! 

I love them as much, maybe even more as the bonding is of every minute and we carry each other everyday. But It is also weary some days.

I first spent 3 months in France. And it never felt better being home than this year. 

The vibe, the choice of food from the market, the variety of activities for the kids. This year just felt good and I will get back to why it felt so good in the next post.

Poney ride in the countryside and around the lake.

While there, I had my parents and sister to share the attention of the kids with. And most important, my childhood friends, sister and parents to talk to at night. Once the girls were asleep, I would sneak out of the room and sit with my childhood friends and sister over a beer. Or sit on my parents bed and watch a movie or talk, talk and talk. After being a mother all day, it feels nice to feel like a child again, sometimes. Curled up on the foot of their bed. 

Sliding in Jardin du Luxembourg,
Paris

After we travelled back to Boracay, that was the hardest part to adjust to. Once the girls are asleep, it is me, myself and I. 

Long, silent evenings. 

No one to share the hard day I had with two sick children, or the homesickness of being back from my hometown, or the tantrums I had to deal with other than waiting for Daddy Yo to wake up over the computer and chat with him for a bit while he gets ready to work.

But it still is nothing, these challenges, compared to the gift and magic of having well travelled and adventurous children. 

To get to explore the World and our own limit with them, see their eyes get filled with excitement and slowly understand the World unfolding in front of them. 

To see them open their heart, their mind to so many different people and culture. And to never forget how it is to be a child. 

Because we all can. Just kneel down and look through their eyes. There is just love for us and amazing adventures awaiting.

A stroll in the French countryside under the rain.

If you travel with young children by yourself, talk to them, always. 

I kept on telling them: We are a team. It is us against the rest of the World. It is gonna be hard for me, this trip as the only adult. So you guys gonna have to help me. Check on each other, check on me as much as I will check on you. Never leave my side. Never leave your sister's side. Be patient as much as I will be. This is one long day and then, it will be over. Let's hold each other's hand and work through it as a team. 

And guess what? It works! Yes, kids are smart and sensitive enough to understand all of the challenges. They can adapt. They can be the best team mates you would ever imagine. Just give them the chance to be. You might be surprised! 

Now, Alia's favorite mantra is "Family hug! We are family! Gaia, it is you and me forever!". 

When they are not hitting each other, arguing over a toy or my attention, this is them, learning that sisterhood is above everything else.

Sister love in Baler, Philippines. Credit: Sabs Bengzon

You are stronger than you know

When my parents moved to the small village where they still live, 35 years ago, they eventually met our neighbors. Little did we know the impacts we will have on each other's life at this time. They were a sweet couple with grown-up children.

By the time I was born, they became close to each others. Colette always tells me the story when she took me from my mother's arm a day I was crying and I stopped, staring at her. She says this was the day she knew something special will happen between us.

And it did happen. We were always playing at their place, in the tower in their garden. We would spend a lot of time with them. She was a painter and spent hours with me, drawing. She was also writing amazing poetry and she was the only one I would totally trust to show what I was writing myself. To this day, she still kept every single poem and drawing I made.

At 7, I lost my dear grand-ma. I was so close to her. Colette hugged me and told me: "I will never replace your grand-mother, but if one day, you want to consider me as your grand-mother too, you should know you are already a grand-daughter to us."

I've lost my grand-mother. Someone no one would ever replace. But this day, I have gained a grand-mother. Someone no one would ever replace.

All my childhood and teenage years, Colette was my confident. I would cry to her over my fears, my sister, my parents, boys. She was reading me. She would tell me her life. Something none of my grand-parents by blood ever did.

My grand-dad on my mother's side had Alzheimer when I was born. His wife spent years being devoted to taking care of him by herself. On my father's side, my grand-dad was not such a talker with us. It came just a few years before he passed away. And his wife was the grand-ma I lost when I was 7.

I grew up looking at Colette as a strong woman, someone who knew about love, poetry, art. She met Bernard when she was only 15 and married him when she was only 17.

Bernard was strong. A little darker. But very nice and sweet. When I was about 10, I started understanding he was in the Concentration Camps when he was a teenager. He lost all his family there. He was adopted at 20 by a wealthy family who took great care of him. But, his nightmares were still there. He was close about it even though he would evoke an episode of his imprisonment once in a while, after a dinner.

When I was 13, I started being really interested by Bernard story. That was part of the story of my people after all! My grand-dad on my mother side ran away from France (where he was studying and working as a doctor) after marrying my grand-mother because he was a jew and did not want to be caught. He went back to Algeria, where he was from.

So one day, Bernard sat with me and told me his complete story. The whole thing. Not sparing me with any details. That was shocking, that was true, that was open-minding. He saw I was passionate about it and started feeding me with articles and books about the camps. I recorded him, brought him to school, worked on his story. My dad started being obsessed about it as well. It's something Bernard never talked about much, even with his own children and grand-children. The fact he was opening up to me about it made me feel I had a duty of remembrance towards him.

When I moved to the Philippines, I only was able to see them once a year when I was going back to France for holidays. I could not enjoy them the same way as we would visit them with the whole family: my parents, Daddy-Yo then with Alia. I had less time to go and see them by myself and stay for hours like I used to do before. When you are far, you realize how people grow older. This year was the year it struck me.

Bernard always been the "old school husband". Working hard, earning the money, holding the accounts, driving the car, thinking for the couple. Colette always been the romantic one, dreaming her life, living in the nostalgia of the sweet past, taking care of her children, cooking and supervising the cleaning at home. They are together for more than 50 years and it always worked.

She is relying on him for providing. He's relying on her for everything concerning the house.
But this year, she got sick. Her back was so painful and she was stuck in bed. It came to a point where she called my sister and I at home to get an ambulance. Bernard was downstairs and could not hear her calling him. I left Alia with my sister while she was cooking lunch for them and ran there. I told Bernard to call an ambulance and went to her side. She was holding my hand, crying. She thought she was having a heart attack. She could not feel her feet and hands anymore, she was shaking. She talked to me and told me how she loved Bernard. How she was worried for him to be my himself if she was to die. Or even stay one night at the hospital. i told her we will take care of him and bring him food.

She left in the ambulance and had to stay in the hospital for a week. Every night, Bernard will come at home to have dinner. He would eat a lot, drink a glass of wine. Everything Colette refrained him to do at home because of his health!! He was tired from all his round trips to the hospital but he was enjoying being with us. He started telling us how he never touched or held his own kids. And he was looking at Alia being carried and fed by my dad, playing with him and hugging him. He remembered Daddy-Yo changing Alia's diaper or putting her to sleep. So may things he never did. I think his past is taking a big part of responsibility for that. His teenage years were so heavy and his adulthood was built on this memories. He was never without it, even at night. He was living it every single minute. He had no space for being a father.

During that week, he started taking Alia on his laps, removing her shoes when she wanted to, hug her, play a little with her. At 89 years old, it was his first time to really hold a child. That same week, he also blew my mind. One evening, we told him we were worried that he might not eat lunch as he didn't pass by home to get lunch or called us to cook for him. He laughed and said he ate. He cooked. Beef steak. By himself. For the first time of his life! He said the day before he cooked pasta. He explained how surprised he was to put such a small amount of pasta and ended up with so much. He didn't even know pasta expand when cooking! We all laughed as he was telling us the worst wasn't cooking but actually, it was doing the dishing. My aunt joked, telling him the worst was when the pan was burnt and one had to scrub it. He looked embarrassed and said his pan was actually burnt when he cooked his steak! And that's why he really hated doing the dishes.

This man who went through hell and came back, is able to learn new things every day, even at 89 years old! I was looking at him, small and shaking. But he just installed internet at home and surf the web all day, reading online articles about food and health with his smart phone. He cooked for the first time and washed the dishes. He took care of a child.

Some days, he would ask me if I knew about Goji berries or if I knew how to use ginger because it is known to be good for health. And I cannot stop looking at this man and thinking: The learning process in life should never stop, it help you grow always and it help you stay young mentally. It helps you see the bright side. It helps you experience new things. It helps you to live.

When I was a child, I used to look at my grand-ma Colette as a strong woman. But, now I grew up. I am a mother, I am a wife. And I realized that, yes, you need to live with poetry in your life, you need to cherish memories. But living through the past won't help you in the future. She is getting older and older. And he is getting wittier. And I am sad to witness her keeping on turning towards the past instead of accepting technology and daily things like Internet, phones, simple banking.

I am realizing the way I was brought by my parents is a huge advantage: learning that even if you love and trust your husband, you need to have your own money, your own bank account, your own life.

Being independent is the biggest lesson a parent can teach his kids.

Teach your kids that learning things never stops, that discovering new ways and changing your mind is the most valuable thing in life. Let them be and experience. Set the example by doing things you love, learning new things just for the sack of learning new things.

Alia only have them left as great-grand-parents. And my grand-dad Bernard will definitely be one of her example of perseverance and strength. He is a survivor in every single meaning of the word.

And my heart expands in a magical way

“Before I had my child, I thought I knew all the boundaries of myself, that I understood the limits of my heart. It’s extraordinary to have all those limits thrown out, to realize your love is inexhaustible.” — Uma Thurman


So, I'm 7 months and half in my second pregnancy now.
And that has been a crazy roller-coaster. I guess that's why I have been so private about it.

First of all, it was not planned. At least, not this year. So, at first, I literally freaked out thinking it was too early, not prepared. I was looking at Alia, thinking she was still so small.

Alia introducing her sister Gaia Mayari!

But thanks to my awesome husband who reassured me we will always find a way, i started seeing all the good sides of it: sure, most of my friends already have the second one, so it's nice if our second one is not too far apart. They will grow up together, like our first ones did.

Plus I always said I will have my two kids before 30 and I got pregnant the second time around on my 29th year. So, the universe remembered what I wanted.

And, yes, Alia and our second one won't be too far apart as well. So it's nice for them.

Plus, let's face it, i'll be done with pregnancy and diapers faster this way!

Yes, I always wanted two kids, maybe 2 years apart. But once I had Alia, I had this fear: how can you possibly love more than one human being so much, unconditionally, deeply? How can your heart get split in two?

Now, I understand. Your heart doesn't split. Your love for one doesn't shrink.
Your heart gets bigger. It expand. It grows.

After eight weeks of morning sickness, being on my knees in front of the toilets every single day, laying on my couch feeling nauseous every second of the day, not being able to smell or eat or move much, I went to France.

I got blessed that morning sickness stopped for a few days, allowing me to take my three planes without having to run to the toilets onboard. I was alone with Alia, on a night flight. That was my biggest worry. But everything went fine. We arrived in France: I had lost a few kilos and had a big deficit of iron. It made me look like a gothic teenager more than a blooming mother-to-be.

When finally, my appetite slowly came back, we found out I had Toxoplasmosis. This silly bacteria you get from cats, unwashed vegetable and fruits or uncooked meat. Silly because, if you are not pregnant, this bacteria is nothing. You get it, you probably won't even notice, you are immune, end of the story. But if you are pregnant, real damages can be passed onto your baby's brain and eyes.

In the Philippines, it's not a common thing. So, they don't test you for it. In Europe, it is. The test is mandatory in France when you are expecting.

Normally, if you get it while you are pregnant, they will give you antibiotics until the end of your pregnancy to protect your baby. In my case, we had no idea when I contracted it. Therefore, we didn't know the risks the baby could be contaminated already.

As a prevention, I started to take some antibiotics. And we ran some tests to date the bacteria. And I had to change our tickets and stay one more month in France.

There was three scenarios laying in front of me.
Either I had it before getting pregnant, and our baby was safe.
Or I had it just when I arrived in France, and I would continue my antibiotics treatments.
The third one kept me awaken a few nights. If I had it during my three first months and the baby's brain was contaminated, I could do a amnio-synthesis to check the baby. Then I could have an IRM made a few months later and see the damages on the baby's brain. In France, you can choose to have a medical abortion at any time, in the worst cases. Do I need to say more?

We spent a month waiting for all the results. A month away from Daddy-Yo, freaking out alone in Sri Lanka. A month not saying to Alia she may (or may not) have a little sister in a few months. A month of not knowing if my baby was ok.

Until the news came: I got the toxoplasmosis right before I got pregnant. Our daughter was safe.

We found a name for her, of course. Gaia Mayari. Gaia: Earth, City of Light. Mayari: Goddess of the Moon in the Tagalog Mythology. A strong name for a strong girl.

Now, Daddy-Yo is still working in Sri-Lanka, missing his girls as much as we miss him. We got to see him for ten days for my 30th birthday. That was heaven!

Small celebration with Island family

Being by myself, pregnant and caring for a 2 and a half year-old is a roller-coaster.

It taught me I am strong. It taught me I am weak. It taught me I always need to improve my patience. It taught me that my daughter, Alia, is an amazing human being. Even more than I thought she was (and I thought she was pretty damn amazing already, believe me!)

She was the one stroking my hair and cheek while I was vomiting in the toilets. She was the one bringing water to me. She is the one asking if my tummy is "ouchy" and if "baby inside" is ok. She is the one hugging me out of nowhere while we are eating dinner. And kissing me in the morning to wake me up. And sleeping on my shoulder at night.

Very soon, Daddy Yo will be home and we will be a family again. Actually we never stopped being one. Being away from him so long taught me that when you find the one, even though you fight and argue sometimes, distance only makes you stronger.

It's been too long, my friends.

It's been five months since my last post.

Five long months filled with craziness and business (as in busy!).

Five months when we finally finished building our nest, moved in, went to France to visit my family, Alia grew up too fast, started a new job, survived the biggest typhoon that ever made landfall. 

There is so much to say. But I'm gonna make it short as I don't want to write a 3 volume book for the first time in so many months.

Finally being Home is the best feeling in the World. 

It was a long and hard process. And doing that on top of having a baby was crazy. Add the first year marriage and two massive and crazy puppies on top and you have the craziest year. 

But now, taking the time to fill it up with memories and decorating it is an incredibly nice feeling. 

It's like having a white canvas and infinite colors. And having an unlimited amount of time to do what you want and create your space.

We are almost done with our living room and are working on our room. 

Being able to welcome friends for dinner, organize play dates, hang out at home for days and build Alia a proper play ground is great. Even if Alia's favorite activity right now is to draw on the walls! Well, we have a left-handed artist in the house!

Alia had a blast in France and we had our first no-kids-three-days-date in Rotterdam.

 

She got to spend quality time with her grand-parents, play with her cousins, pick strawberries and raspberries in the farm, eat some freshly cooked food from Lola with the vegetables of the garden, help her Tatay and Lolo gardening, run after the hens and pick up the eggs in the morning, have her first dental check up from Lola with her cousin, swim in the lac of Annecy, meet some family in Alsace even I never met, play a lot with her ninong Lapin and tito Sushi (I think she got some artistic tips from them as they both are amazing artists), run and run and run in the garden of my parent's house.

Alia helping Daddy Yo gardening and proud

Daddy Yo, looking at his baby becoming a 

Mountaineer like him.

Daddy Yo and I had a blast as well. 

We got to make a sweet escape of three days in Rotterdam to visit an extraordinaire friend of us, dancer at Cirque du Soleil Michael Jackson the Immortal Tour. The city was really cool, the people are amazing, Pom's family was so welcoming and made us feel like we knew them forever. Plus, I got to go to a club for the first time in a hundred years (there is only beach clubs in Boracay) and got to drink and party without thinking about going home to feed Alia. I got to go home at 3am and sleep until 11am. This was a really cool feeling but being apart from Alia was still a major thing. Won't happen too often...

I got to see my family, enjoy my cousins, spend my birthday in a beautiful house above the lac of Annecy with childhood friends, have barbecue with friends, share love and good news and beautiful vibes.

The highlight of my birthday celebration was when my Tita Catherine brought me with her for a tour of aerobatics. She is a aerobatics World Champion! Daddy Yo had his turn the first year we visited France together and this time was mine. What a crazy, breathtaking, brain shaking experience. I¨felt like I lost all bearings. Nothing was like it was supposed to be. After some loopings and tumblings in the air, it took a soda, a hot bath and a good night of sleep to feel normal again!

Getting ready for the big moment

Now, Alia is all grown up. 

She is talking more and more. She now has words in English, French and  Tagalog. She is mixing it all and start creating pluri lingual sentences. 

After a few month of tantrums due to language frustration, she is learning how to use her words more and more. It gets funnier and easier for us to communicate.

When my parents came to visit the Philippines last month, we had an awesome time visiting Baguio again and shopping for the house. But when we went home to Boracay, we had to anxiously prepare for the biggest and stronger Typhoon that ever made a landfall. That was scary but we survived. Boracay was so blessed and lucky. The eye of the Typhoon was supposed to be on us and wash us away with 7 meter waves. 

But it came earlier than expected, on low tide, which saved us from a water surge. And just before landing on us, the eye veered left, the rain calmed down and Yolanda Typhoon spared us and our beautiful Island. You cannot imagine the joy we all felt when we realized the damages we had were nothing compared to what we were expecting. And you cannot imagine the shock we all had when we realized many places of our beautiful country were devastated, flat, washed away. The number of dead kept on rising and the few images we got to see (whenever one of us could find a place on the Island that had electricity) were unspeakable. 

With a group of friends, we felt we could not stay without doing anything. It was only normal for us to hold hands and help our countrymen. Many groups in Boracay and around the Philippines got organized and started some actions. Here, you can find every details of how we, in our little way, are helping and how you can help: https://www.facebook.com/?q=#/LifeAfterYolanda?ref=br_tf

Daddy Yo is the best with tripod and composition!
Notice the twin outfit of Alia and I.. :)

❝To have another language is to possess a second soul.❞

"One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way." Frank Smith

Since we decided to have Alia, we knew a great challenge was lying in front of us.

Being from different countries, therefore, speaking different languages would be a part of it.

But we decided to turn this into a benefit for her future.

Since she was born, I am only speaking to her in French.

As we are not many French speaking in the Island were I live, she needs to learn it from me since birth. I need to be consistent. I am singing french lullabies to her at nap time and I am looking for french books to read to her when she is going to bed at night.

Because she doesn’t live near my family, it is important for me that she doesn’t feel disconnected with her french roots. Speaking French will help her keep in touch with my parents, sister, relatives and her cousins when she grows up. Every time she sees them, it also help her make the connection. They speak French like her mommy!

It will also help her learn more about my culture and my country. Sharing books, poems and watching movies with her: it is like building our own little bubble where I can show her who I was, how I grew up, what music I liked to listen.

Some things cannot be translated.  

I want to open her window of opportunities: if she wants to study in France later, she is able to move there and keep up with her dreams.

Daddy Yo always speak to her in Tagalog.

I know some people want to teach their kids how to speak English first as it will help them be part of the Global World.

For me, Alia is Filipino as much as she is French. She needs to speak the langague of the country where she was born. Not learning Tagalog as one of her first language would be putting her at risk to be treated like a foreigner in her own country!

And what if she decided to pursue her studies or life here? 

Tagalog will not be taught to her later on, at school. She needs to be understood by anyone in the country where she lives. She needs to know where she comes from and understand the story of her country.

So far, the words she is saying are mainly English.

Most of our friends and all the kids around her speak English to Alia.

And she can hear Daddy Yo and I speaking English together.

She must know it is the fastest way to be understood by all.

But whenever I ask her to hold my hand in french, she gives me her hand. Whenever Daddy Yo ask her to come with him for shower, she goes straight to the bathroom.

A lot of people tell us Alia will be confused, delayed for talking.

Do not underestimate children’s brain! It’s like a sponge absorbing thousand of new things everyday.

Yes, she might mix languages up at first sometimes.

She might answer me in English when I speak French (like Alia’s godmother and her daughter when she was a little girl) but I will keep on speaking to her in French. Because all the languages she hears on a daily basis are printed in her mind.

And when she will be a little bigger and ready to use them, what an amazing advantage for her!!

"If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart." Nelson Mandela

A year to remember!

The best gift 2012 brought me!

I am welcoming 2013 with a smile. Though, I was not in a hurry for this year to come to an end.

Despite a few down, which is part of life, 2012 has been an amazing year for me.

A year I will cherish and remember all my life.

First, I became a mother. 2012 brought me the most wonderful, fun, strong, beautiful and stuborn daugther. What can make a year more beautiful than the birth of your first child ?

On top of this, it brought me a husband: loving, sweet, funny, disorganized and irritating sometimes but an awesome dad.

And finally, it brought us a home. In the process. But 2012 was the year it started.

We traveled to Malaysia, France and Switzerland.

We welcomed our whole families and friends for the first time in Boracay.

I strengthen some friendships that I believe will last for a very very long time.

We lost some beloved ones.

I shed tears of sadness and happiness.

We argued.

I grew and learnt a lot.

2012 made my world turn upside down!

And at the end of the day, I find my strength in Alia.

She was what made 2012 the best year of my life.

When I look back at 2011 and 2012, things are going better and better.

I know where I am going, what I want and I cannot wait to see what 2013 is holding for me.

Bring it on !

Happy New Year to all from the Astronaut family!

May 2013 be filled with love, laughter, fun & health!

From a mother to another

A few months ago, I was training on the beach with my Dragon Boat team. Our meeting point was right next to the land where the Ati were asked (or forced) to move and build their new village.

Everyday, I could see all their kids playing on the beach, running in the water, building little boats and fishes out of plywood and pulling them happily in the water with a nylon string.

I could see moms breastfeeding their babies. Carrying their child close to them, wrapping them around, wearing them. Attachment parenting is not in the education. It's in the blood.

I saw moms and kids. Like me and Alia. Like any mom and her child in the World.

For those who wonder who the Ati people are, they are the "aboriginals". The first inhabitants of the Visayas archipelago. They have their own language, kept some religious practices of their own and face discrimination. Not to mention their original territory in Boracay is becoming smaller and smaller and smaller every time someone has the opportunity to invest where they used to live freely.

What does not help the Ati community of Boracay is the large number of Ati coming from other places. They invade the sand street of White Beach, beg for money and let very young children sleeping on the floor. Sometimes with babies in their arms or at their feet.

Heartbreaking.

Heartbreaking to see this.

And heartbreaking to know one of the cause of their discrimination is the fact that a lot of people think the Ati Community of Boracay mistreat their children, don’t take care of the youngest and let them beg.

But the Ati community of Boracay is very different. They would like to be a part of our World, our lives.

A few days ago, we were talking with a couple of moms. We want to help them.

Bring them clothes for the kids, clothes diapers for their babies.

Teach them why this is so important to keep a basic hygiene with the babies so diseases will spread less.

And help them having the means to do so.

I talked to Susanne, a wonderful woman who lives in Boracay for many years. She’s doing everything she can to help their Community already. She loved the idea. I messaged many moms around me and so far, I have only amazing feedbacks.

When we will all be set, we will organize a meeting with the Ati moms.

The Boracay Baby Boomers meet the Ati moms.

From mothers to mothers.

Our group is boiling with good intention and ideas : workshops, food sharing, play dates…

I love it and I’m feeling so excited about it !

For the filipino kids in Boracay today, being surrounded by foreigners and mixed kids is normal.

I dream of a future where our kids will not see the Ati kids as a Community apart and discriminated. I wish they will go to school all together, play on the beach and exchange stories. I wish our kids will not make any difference between them and the Ati kids.

I wish...

Let’s work on it !!!

The best accessory a girl can own is confidence!

"Making the decision to have a child -- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
-- Elizabeth Stone

Being a new mom is not an easy thing.

You have to deal with so much !

Get to know this tiny little munchkin.

Getting to adjust to your new life.

Going back to work or organizing your new life at home.

Dealing with the Daddy Yos.

When you think it’s all done, there’s more!

Adjusting to your new body, the one that changed, the one that will come back to normal eventually. Or not.

Dealing with all the comments of the people surrounding you. The ones that always want you good. The ones that will tell you what to do, how to do it and what’s best for your own child.

And dealing with your new-mom-self-confidence.

I met some people who were telling me I was still quite fat after giving birth. Or wondering why I did not loose the weight yet. Well, I just ignored them. I feel amazing in my body because this exact same body gave me the most wonderful and beautiful baby girl. So if I have a few extra kilos that won’t disapear straight away, I can live with them.

No one can tell me how I should look.

Yes, I have stretch mark. And no, it is not because I was eating too much fat food or was not taking care of myself. I applied the magic creams and oils since day 1 and it did not change anything. My tummy was not even huge. And it did not change anything.

Stretch marks depend of the quality of your skin. And guess what? My skin sucks!

At the begining, I hated them!! Trying to hide them under a one piece swimming suit the first time I went on the beach.

Until my good friend Abbey told me to own it. Not to be ashame. Yes ! She was totally right ! These are our batlle scars! We are moms and this is written on our skin. I always wore two piece bikini, why should I stop now ? If carrying my daughter did this to me, then I should be proud of it !

Plus let’s get real. Who notice it the most? You and other women. Your man does not care about it!

I love getting advices from good friends who want the best for you.

My friend Heather is amazing at this. If you really ask her some advices, she will always be honest, real and give you confidence. Telling you what work for her but never pushing you to follow this yourself. She will always tell you to follow what you think is best for you and your child. To do what works for you.

But some people seem to like telling you how to raise your own child depend on their own preferences. 

Well, people. Alia is my baby and as long as I am not doing something that is threatening her life, I will follow my heart. So I will keep co-sleeping as it works for all of us. I will keep breastfeeding her as long as both of us are good with it. Thank you anyway!

Motherhood is hard on the self confidence of new moms as well.

We doubt. We are scared that this decision might mess up the rest of our child’s life. We compare ourself to other moms.

But every child is different and every mom  is too. Each of our baby require a special need, a special care. The one of his own mom.

We all have a different background, different cultures, we were raised differently as well.

Do not compare yourself to others. We all are in the same basket. Even if it does not look like. At the end of the day, we all have the same questions running in our head.

So rise your head up! You are amazing!!

And you are doing the best you can.

You brought a child into this World and you will raise her to be the best person she can be.

No one is perfect.

As long as we do everything we do with a great love, we cannot go wrong.

Love yourself and trust your way!