And my heart expands in a magical way

“Before I had my child, I thought I knew all the boundaries of myself, that I understood the limits of my heart. It’s extraordinary to have all those limits thrown out, to realize your love is inexhaustible.” — Uma Thurman


So, I'm 7 months and half in my second pregnancy now.
And that has been a crazy roller-coaster. I guess that's why I have been so private about it.

First of all, it was not planned. At least, not this year. So, at first, I literally freaked out thinking it was too early, not prepared. I was looking at Alia, thinking she was still so small.

Alia introducing her sister Gaia Mayari!

But thanks to my awesome husband who reassured me we will always find a way, i started seeing all the good sides of it: sure, most of my friends already have the second one, so it's nice if our second one is not too far apart. They will grow up together, like our first ones did.

Plus I always said I will have my two kids before 30 and I got pregnant the second time around on my 29th year. So, the universe remembered what I wanted.

And, yes, Alia and our second one won't be too far apart as well. So it's nice for them.

Plus, let's face it, i'll be done with pregnancy and diapers faster this way!

Yes, I always wanted two kids, maybe 2 years apart. But once I had Alia, I had this fear: how can you possibly love more than one human being so much, unconditionally, deeply? How can your heart get split in two?

Now, I understand. Your heart doesn't split. Your love for one doesn't shrink.
Your heart gets bigger. It expand. It grows.

After eight weeks of morning sickness, being on my knees in front of the toilets every single day, laying on my couch feeling nauseous every second of the day, not being able to smell or eat or move much, I went to France.

I got blessed that morning sickness stopped for a few days, allowing me to take my three planes without having to run to the toilets onboard. I was alone with Alia, on a night flight. That was my biggest worry. But everything went fine. We arrived in France: I had lost a few kilos and had a big deficit of iron. It made me look like a gothic teenager more than a blooming mother-to-be.

When finally, my appetite slowly came back, we found out I had Toxoplasmosis. This silly bacteria you get from cats, unwashed vegetable and fruits or uncooked meat. Silly because, if you are not pregnant, this bacteria is nothing. You get it, you probably won't even notice, you are immune, end of the story. But if you are pregnant, real damages can be passed onto your baby's brain and eyes.

In the Philippines, it's not a common thing. So, they don't test you for it. In Europe, it is. The test is mandatory in France when you are expecting.

Normally, if you get it while you are pregnant, they will give you antibiotics until the end of your pregnancy to protect your baby. In my case, we had no idea when I contracted it. Therefore, we didn't know the risks the baby could be contaminated already.

As a prevention, I started to take some antibiotics. And we ran some tests to date the bacteria. And I had to change our tickets and stay one more month in France.

There was three scenarios laying in front of me.
Either I had it before getting pregnant, and our baby was safe.
Or I had it just when I arrived in France, and I would continue my antibiotics treatments.
The third one kept me awaken a few nights. If I had it during my three first months and the baby's brain was contaminated, I could do a amnio-synthesis to check the baby. Then I could have an IRM made a few months later and see the damages on the baby's brain. In France, you can choose to have a medical abortion at any time, in the worst cases. Do I need to say more?

We spent a month waiting for all the results. A month away from Daddy-Yo, freaking out alone in Sri Lanka. A month not saying to Alia she may (or may not) have a little sister in a few months. A month of not knowing if my baby was ok.

Until the news came: I got the toxoplasmosis right before I got pregnant. Our daughter was safe.

We found a name for her, of course. Gaia Mayari. Gaia: Earth, City of Light. Mayari: Goddess of the Moon in the Tagalog Mythology. A strong name for a strong girl.

Now, Daddy-Yo is still working in Sri-Lanka, missing his girls as much as we miss him. We got to see him for ten days for my 30th birthday. That was heaven!

Small celebration with Island family

Being by myself, pregnant and caring for a 2 and a half year-old is a roller-coaster.

It taught me I am strong. It taught me I am weak. It taught me I always need to improve my patience. It taught me that my daughter, Alia, is an amazing human being. Even more than I thought she was (and I thought she was pretty damn amazing already, believe me!)

She was the one stroking my hair and cheek while I was vomiting in the toilets. She was the one bringing water to me. She is the one asking if my tummy is "ouchy" and if "baby inside" is ok. She is the one hugging me out of nowhere while we are eating dinner. And kissing me in the morning to wake me up. And sleeping on my shoulder at night.

Very soon, Daddy Yo will be home and we will be a family again. Actually we never stopped being one. Being away from him so long taught me that when you find the one, even though you fight and argue sometimes, distance only makes you stronger.

Alia's got her first cold!

What a week!

Now, I am totally recovered and Alia got a cold  for the first time in her life. Thanks god, not a bad one. But she has a running nose and a cough.

At least, now she can breastfeed again, she sleeps soundly at night! 

On saturday morning, when I could feed her again, we sat on the couch comfortably. She started drinking two gulps, stopped, looked at me and laughed before eating again for a long time! This laugh was priceless!!!

I don't want to give her medicines as in Boracay, the doctors will mostly prescribe antibiotics. For anything. When it is appropriate and even when it is not necessary.
A few of my friends had antibiotics prescribed to their babies when they did not even needed it.

I am not used to antibiotics for myself and I keep them for when they are REALLY needed. So at least, when I use them, they are very effective on me.
I am more of a homeopathy user for the daily "boo boos" and am using it as well for Alia (teething etc..)

So I am nurturing her and uses natural products.
A lot of milk to keep her hydrated (and water as well), cuddles, kisses... and a shower twice or three times a day as this last days are a roller coaster of hot, cold and rainy weather.

I always remember everything I am eating or drinking is passing through my milk. So I am drinking loads of water as well as ginger tea.

Ginger tea is actually great against colds. Just boil some fresh ginger in water and add some honey (and even lemon) to sweeten the drink. It makes wonders on painful throats.
It is said ginger tea is good also to relieve morning sickness while being pregnant.

A friend of mine gave me another great and delicious recipe for Alia is feel better.
It is called Sopa de Ajo (Garlic Soup):
Simply chop and sauté a lot of garlic in olive oil and add bread. When the bread is golden, add a broth and let it boil. At the end, just add a beaten egg and that's it!!

It made me feel better as I was still recovering and I believe it helps Alia feeling better as well.
So here I am, eating this yummy soup for lunch and dinner.

I also apply some Kid Med from Lawiswis farm (a Palawan based farm that makes all natural products that are sold in Boracay) on Alia's back and chest every couple of hours. This has eucalyptus, neem and other plants that will help her cough getting better.

While waiting for her to totally recover, I let her sleep a lot and I cuddle her until she cannot stand it anymore!!

Love is the best medicine!

Tonight, I will allow myself a good glass of wine to relax after this hectic week! YAY!!

Light my fire!

Thanks to my friend Abbey, we had laughter and smiles today!

Despite the awful and long night, we had a great breakfast. Babies were playing and we also got to stay over for lunch to celebrate Alia's 7th month!! Pizza and pasta party. We took a nice walk around and went home mid-afternoon.

Alia was restless (she didn't took a proper nap since 6:30 am and it was already 4:30 pm) so I decided to walk on the beach for her to fall asleep in the carrier. At least she could rest 30 minutes. Better than nothing. Two friends I met while walking told me the same thing: if there is a next time, check yourself out in a hotel or go to a friend's place for three days. Sleep, rest. It will be easier on your daughter and you'll get to recover fully to be the kicking-mom you are everyday. I hope there won't be a next time, but if ever there is, I'll think twice about this option! As you think about it, it is quite true. How can you recover fully (and go back to breastfeed at night and work during the day) while you are sick, handling almost by your own a frustrated baby who scream during the day and most of the night? You are not helpful at home as you can't breastfeed the baby and every time baby sees you, she doesn't want the bottle anymore and scream.

Anyway, today was a good playdate that lightened my week.

I love playdates with Abbey's son as Alia is always so excited so see him. Plus, she LOVES to copy him. Which is great for her to learn new tricks. Plus, I get to chat with a very good friend.

When we travelled to Malaysia with them three month ago, Alia learnt from her best mate how to play with her tongue and spread saliva all over. She did the trick over and over and still does! Her favorite time to do it? In the morning, to wake us up! A morning shower!!

Alia and I in Kuala Lumpur

When we hanged out for three days in a row in the afternoon two months ago, Alia studied how her mate would jump as a frog (to try to crawl) and tried hard to do the same. Sadly for her, she was too young to do the same as they are a month and a half apart.

Today, she was so proud to show him what she could do on her four but he was even more proud showing off his new skills: standing up by his own!!

Oh, she's trying hard to catch up with him now! When we went home, we put her in her crib for a while and she was trying to grab anything that could help her standing up. If I'd help her, she would grab the side of her crib and stand like this, trying to look over the bed (I'll show you pictures tomorrow as the camera is in the bedroom and I don't want to risk waking up my little crying monster).

Playdates are great times for babies as young as this to learn how to socialize, borrow, lend, share. It will take time for them to get this notions. But the earlier you teach them, the more normal it will become to them.

We have a big group of babies here on the island. We call ourselves the Boracay Baby Boomers. Our kids are between 2 years old and... still on the way. And knowing they will grow together is great as we can really teach them how to act in a group of kids. Patience, kindness, gentleness, politeness with others are some basic I want Alia to learn as young as possible.

But one step at a time!

Tonight is the last rough night and tomorrow, we are back to normal!! More crying from both mother and daughter will be rewarded by a tight cuddle in the morning while breastfeeding. And we will get to forget about this past dark few days!

I can see the light!

Drugs and other tales

Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez, As long as I am not breastfeeding, I would make good use of a bottle of wine! Or even a bottle of Tequila...

Like, the whole bottle, or maybe two or three! BUT, I am still taking medicines so it is out of question for my biggest disappointment. Or two days in a SPA by my own, away from any responsibility. At least, I won't have the hangover.

Yesterday evening was surprisingly fine. Alia was tired, she drank her bottle in my arms then fell asleep very fast (in our bed). Boom, 7:30pm. Easy!

I made sure to explain her over and over again why I cannot breastfeed her: "I am taking medicines and this medicines are going in my milk so the milk is not good for you for the time I will take them. It is because I am sick and I don't want you to be sick so I am trying to recover very soon! But I love you so much and on Saturday, the boobies are ALL yours!"

Then she woke up a little while after and it was a bit more challenging to put her back to sleep but I managed without even giving her milk. Only cuddles and comfort. I was kinda proud at this point and thinking it was going to be quite easy after all.

Then she woke up at 2 am and cried, cried, cried, cried... until 4:30 am. Pushing the bottle away, screaming in my arms while pulling my shirt, screaming in Daddy Yo's arms. We were tired and helpless. I ended up sitting on the floor while he was trying to put her back to sleep for the unpteenth time. My milk was leaking, my boobs were so painful and my headache was making it impossible for me to go to the kitchen and pump. Thanks to the antibiotics, I got dehydrated and started to have pain while peeing (yes, here is the naked truth of a mom under antibiotics, sorry!)

She finally fell asleep on Daddy Yo's chest and slept until 8 am. Nice, would you tell me, right? But I was up a bit before 7, with a massive headache, going to pee every 15 minutes. 

I went back to sleep for an hour while Alia was sleeping after breakfast. A precious hour. Very very precious. As she didn't feel asleep until... 7:15 pm. After a lot of cuddling, reassuring words, lullabies and dancing.

She spent the afternoon crying, pulling my shirt, playing, crying again as she was so sleepy, drinking her bottle then pushing it away for the next meal. And I spent the afternoon crying, feeling guilty for being sick (Stupid, right? As if I could do anything against it. But you know, Guilt still kicked at my front door), pumping and holding my painful head.  A hell of an afternoon for both Alia and me.

     Loosing it in a good way!

Good friends came to visit. That highlighted my day! 

One of our mommy friend came to announce us that we can get our puppy whenever we want after I recovered (Puppy!!!!!!!!!!!! Cute black and brown puppy!! Half Labrador, half Husky). We already baptised him Pampu.x

Another dear friend who gave birth to the cutest boy a month and half before me (one of Alia's best travel/play date/learning buddy so far) came with a flower, food and a good chat. How good do you feel after that?!!! Before knowing I had a huge stock of breast milk in my fridge, the first thing she offered me was to pump a bottle of milk a day for Alia (if ever Alia was going to take formula while I could not feed her). Telling you that I appreciated her offer is beyond it! There are no words to express my feelings. I was deeply touched.

Tomorrow, I will start my day by a breakfast in my friend's place so Alia can play with her son. And I believe our day will be better.

As Bernard Meltzer was saying, "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

For better or For Worse

The worst thing that could happen to the breastfeeding mom I am just happened.

I am not allowed to breastfeed Alia for 3 days due to an intake of antibiotics.

It's been a few days I was feeling tired and my throat was sightly painful but I did not mind it as we were too busy packing our stuffs to move in a bigger place.

We moved in on Sunday (thankfully, good friends of Daddy Yo did ALL the "carrying-all-the-heavy-boxes so I didn't have to carry anything but Alia) and I spent the evening unpacking things. On monday morning, I woke up and carried some furnitures to put them here and there and unpacked some more boxes before going to work.

In the evening, I started to feel really tired.
Then cold. I live in the Philippines and it's never really cold here.
I went to sleep early with Alia and woke up shaking. Daddy Yo covered me with a lot of blankets but I was still cold. I check my temperature: 38.5°C!

My head was painful, my glands were swollen in the throat and I was feverish.
I spent the night feeding Alia and waking up because of the pain.

On tuesday, thankfully, I was allowed to stay at home until I recover. The whole day, the fever went up and down and the pain was so strong in the whole area of my head. I slept more than Alia. The only way I could sleep was to put this iced gel pack on my eyes.

In the evening, I was shaking again. I went to sleep with 38.8°C.

Last night was the same than the night before. Waking up all the time, taking paracetamol, putting some iced gel pack on my eyes.

This morning, we went straight to the doctor who explained me I am having an infection due to nasal congestion that leads to an ear congestion. The only way I could recover was antibiotics and pain killers.

I asked her if, by any chances, this antibiotics was compatible with breastfeeding and of course, she explained me that most antibiotics are not, this one included.
She saw the tears coming up my eyes and told me she could give me the 3 days solution. I accepted, went home, cried while pumping, feed Alia and took my medicines.

The only good thing is I always had so much milk I was pumping and freezing it just in case something like this would happen. So Alia has like 2 liters of milk inside the fridge. She will still drink my milk but out of a bottle. Milk in a separate freezer can stay up to 6 months frozen. Think about it!!!

Since I took my medicines, she had a very hard time falling asleep because she didn't understand why she could not breastfeed before sleeping. We fed her her lunch and still she was pulling my shirt and crying.

And my heart is breaking...

The hardest gonna be during the nights as she never wanted to take a bottle if I was next to her. We might put her in her crib as it will be worst if she can smell my milk.

Daddy Yo and I are going to have a few long nights ahead of us...

Love Lane

From now on, I will have to repeat my "gratitude for work" mantra every single day until the feeling becomes real. In theory, it is a great lesson of life! In practice... it's a different story.

My first day of work was surprisingly quite fine leaving Alia at home as she was sleeping when I left. The key words are "sleeping when I left"! As yesterday and this morning, she was awake. And that is a COMPLETELY different deal to handle!

I think she was fine actually. But it was a bit harder for me as the guilt grew inside me.

Am I really doing the right choice? Is it really a lesson of life I am teaching her? Is it really a gift I am doing to myself? Yes, I am sure of that.

But am I not going to regret it later? When I will realize she is a little girl and I will miss the "baby her". Am I not going to think I should have enjoyed every single second of her "baby-hood"? That is a thought that was running in my head last night. And I don't have answer to this one...

And while I was still lost in this thought this morning while trying to put her to sleep in her crib, I was questioning as well the usefulness of letting my child cry (even for 10 minutes) in order for her to sleep in her own bed. I will try to stick with this as it is more for her safety than for the sake of it. I know she will crawl anytime soon and if she keeps sleeping in our bed for resting time, there will be a time she will inevitably fall off the bed. If I can, as far as possible avoid it, I will. Safety versus Comfort. Even if the answer is obvious, it does not make it any easier.

I guess THIS IS what being a mom. To constantly make decision for your child without knowing if it is the best.

Listen to your heart and follow it, they say.

But sometimes, even my heart is confused...

Hasta la siesta, Baby!

That's it!

Two days ago we finally decided we will put Alia in her crib for her siesta. The reason of this change? She's rolling and moving so fast now, we can't even turn our back anymore when she's asleep on our bed. Even the pillows we put around her are not enough for her to roll over it anymore. So safety first! Crib it is.

Little did I know...

Yes, my friends warned me she will cry. Yes, my friends told me to be strong. But this??? This heavy tears, this little hands trying to reach me... I felt like a monster.

I sang her songs, held her hand, stayed next to her until she fell asleep. She finally did and I can say proudly that everyday, she's falling asleep faster in her crib.

Was is traumatic? Yes. For her, I don't think so. For me, definitely!

I am glad she is safe in her crib. I am glad I can work while she is asleep. And Daddy Yo is, too. But... we will miss not moving for two hours, sitting on the bed because she fell asleep in our arms (and we could have put her down but we did not want).

Good thing we still have all our nights to see her falling asleep between us, grabbing our shirts to make sure we are next to her, rolling to cuddle up in her daddy's arm and putting her leg on top of my arm to find comfort.

I find comfort too having her next to me.