Love Lane

From now on, I will have to repeat my "gratitude for work" mantra every single day until the feeling becomes real. In theory, it is a great lesson of life! In practice... it's a different story.

My first day of work was surprisingly quite fine leaving Alia at home as she was sleeping when I left. The key words are "sleeping when I left"! As yesterday and this morning, she was awake. And that is a COMPLETELY different deal to handle!

I think she was fine actually. But it was a bit harder for me as the guilt grew inside me.

Am I really doing the right choice? Is it really a lesson of life I am teaching her? Is it really a gift I am doing to myself? Yes, I am sure of that.

But am I not going to regret it later? When I will realize she is a little girl and I will miss the "baby her". Am I not going to think I should have enjoyed every single second of her "baby-hood"? That is a thought that was running in my head last night. And I don't have answer to this one...

And while I was still lost in this thought this morning while trying to put her to sleep in her crib, I was questioning as well the usefulness of letting my child cry (even for 10 minutes) in order for her to sleep in her own bed. I will try to stick with this as it is more for her safety than for the sake of it. I know she will crawl anytime soon and if she keeps sleeping in our bed for resting time, there will be a time she will inevitably fall off the bed. If I can, as far as possible avoid it, I will. Safety versus Comfort. Even if the answer is obvious, it does not make it any easier.

I guess THIS IS what being a mom. To constantly make decision for your child without knowing if it is the best.

Listen to your heart and follow it, they say.

But sometimes, even my heart is confused...

Good morning World... and good night!

Today was the day I went back to the office! First time in 8 months...

Challenging day as Daddy Yo left at 5am for a short trip to Manila. So, here I and Alia are. Daddiless for three days. Hopefully we have an amazing nanny, Ate Jen, who started working for us when Alia was a month old. It's so important so find someone who you can trust with your eyes closed and leave your baby without worrying every second!

Early this morning, Daddy Yo kissed us goodbye: I was awaken enough to register he was leaving but not enough to really answer him back. "Ummmmmfffff" was the only thing I could actually tell him. Alia was sound asleep next to me. Until 6am, when I heard her giggling and saw her crawling backward, her feet already at the edge of the bed.

THAT woke me up!

After jumping to grab her, putting her back in the middle of the bed and building a wall of pillows (around her and on the floor), I threw all her toys in front of her and allowed myself half an hour of extra sleep (to be ready to go back to work without falling asleep on the keyboard of my computer of my first day).

The next thing I know was that Sophie beat me up. For those who know her, yes that Sophie, the Giraffe, the one and only, infamous, favorite rubber toy for teething! The same one Alia loves to grab, bite, pull, hit and throw. This time, Alia was holding the poor thing by the head and was furiously banging it on the bed (and my head at some point).

Anyway, THAT woke me up pretty hard and for good (I should check for bruises on my face by the way)!

I then, decided I slept enough. Or Alia decided. Even Sophie the Giraffe got into my way of sleeping longer. After a well deserved coffee, a good breakfast, a fast shower, feeding Alia, pumping some milk and preparing myself mentally (more for leaving Alia 5 hours than going back to work), I left under the rain.

Five hours, it is long without her. I rushed home to hear Alia starting crying when I reached the garden. She looked at me with her teary eyes and welcomed me with open arms. My heart melted as I squeezed her and drowned her with kisses!

After giving birth, my friends and I went to a "Mommies and Babies" yoga class. Our amazing and beautiful teacher told us one thing that I will never forget: Moms who are working are lucky. Even if it seems hard to leave our babies behind, we get the chance to miss them, show them a good example of sacrifice and independence, have some time for us and come back home as better moms.

It's going to be hard sometimes, I'll need to adjust myself. But I am grateful I have the opportunity to go back to work and use my brain, set my daughter a good example of independence and feel all her Love flooding me when I come home!

Tomorrow, I am ready again!

Apart from Sophie the Giraffe...

Hasta la siesta, Baby!

That's it!

Two days ago we finally decided we will put Alia in her crib for her siesta. The reason of this change? She's rolling and moving so fast now, we can't even turn our back anymore when she's asleep on our bed. Even the pillows we put around her are not enough for her to roll over it anymore. So safety first! Crib it is.

Little did I know...

Yes, my friends warned me she will cry. Yes, my friends told me to be strong. But this??? This heavy tears, this little hands trying to reach me... I felt like a monster.

I sang her songs, held her hand, stayed next to her until she fell asleep. She finally did and I can say proudly that everyday, she's falling asleep faster in her crib.

Was is traumatic? Yes. For her, I don't think so. For me, definitely!

I am glad she is safe in her crib. I am glad I can work while she is asleep. And Daddy Yo is, too. But... we will miss not moving for two hours, sitting on the bed because she fell asleep in our arms (and we could have put her down but we did not want).

Good thing we still have all our nights to see her falling asleep between us, grabbing our shirts to make sure we are next to her, rolling to cuddle up in her daddy's arm and putting her leg on top of my arm to find comfort.

I find comfort too having her next to me.