If I could have taken your pain away!

Fear is only as deep as the mind allows, says a Japanese proverb.

That day of November 2016, my mind let fear enter for a short while only. But I still have the taste of it in my mouth.

It is funny. If I read what I wrote last, it was about you, my love. Gaia. About your second birthday and all the joy you are bringing us every day. You, our fearless and wild one.

But a few days after your second birthday, your fearless and wild self grabbed a bowl of boiling tea on the table. You were so fast. Everything went so fast. And in less that a second, you were screaming...

My parents and I removed her clothes in a blink of an eye and rushed her to the kitchen sink. We let cold water run over her body. I was composed, calm and efficient. I believe I am not the type who is panicking when the girls get hurt or get daredevil.

But then, I saw it. Her skin, her soft, perfect, beautiful baby skin starting to melt in front of my eyes. This is when my mind plunged right into the deepest distress I have ever known. I screamed to my father to hold her and stumbled onto the sofa, in the living room. I remember Alia, standing there, watching us silently, without understanding. I remember my face in my hands. I remember screaming. Just a scream.

A few days later, my mother told me that this scream made her understand it was more serious than just a little burn.

After some pain killer and twenty minutes under running water, we jumped on our motorbike and rushed her to the clinic where she was taken care of by an amazing doctor. She did everything she had to do and more: calm Gaia, comfort me, panse her wounds and show love and compassion.

She reassured me Gaia will not have a single scare. She promised me Gaia will go home and play.

Two hours of being in a state of shock, sitting in the sofa back home, then Gaia fell asleep for a couple of hours. When she woke up, she took her pain killers and indeed, ran to play with Alia.

The next week was nothing but change her dressings, give her showers while she was crying out of fear for pain and taking care of her.

We also called a healer to take the fire away from her little body. Gaia was asleep when the woman arrived. She started working on her relaxed and sleeping body when Gaia woke up. She looked at her, closed her eyes again and let the biggest sight of relief out. She then let the healer move her around to work of every burned area of her body. Right after this day, I believe the wounds dried and healed faster.

Gaia sustained second degree burns on her shoulder, chest, side body, lower back. And a few first degree burns around her belly and mouth.

A few weeks later, her skin was healed but the pigmentation has not yet recovered. Thanks to a mix of essential oils a dear friend mixed for us, a few months later, we could not see where the burns used to be.

I realised I did not write anything since, because I was scared of facing that day, in front of the white page of my computer. But I coud not continue without writing about this scariest event of my life.

The day I wished I could take the pain away from my child.

Are we there yet?

"Each day of our lives, we make deposits in the memory banks of our children." Charles R. Swindoll

Playing in the park in Chartres

This past years have been challenging in many ways as Daddy Yo went to work abroad for the low season. It is the third summer I am spending alone with Alia and Gaia and of course, it is not a reason for us to stop the adventures! Last year, we went to visit my family in France then Daddy Yo in the USA. It was the first time for Gaia to go out of the Philippines, so it was quite an adventure for her! This year, we travelled to France and Switzerland. 

This is about me, the two girls, a big luggage, a couple of passport and too many airplanes.

Being a single parent is hard. I mean, you always have the perks of it: 

No one to fight over the movie to watch at night.

No one to fight over that last piece of chocolate or cheese after the children are gone to bed.

I am in charge of the menu, which means more healthy meals! (wink wink Daddy Yo!)

I am in charge of bedtime by myself, which means kids are going to sleep early and are not over excited and over stimulated right before sleeping (wink wink Daddy Yo!)

I am in charge of activities and daily schedule, which means I do not have a bad surprise when coming back from the shower seing kids painting on each other with textile paint.

Rolling down the hill

But it also can be overwhelming at time. And frustrating. Very frustrating.

I have very little break time. The kids are asking for my undivided attention at all time. Both of them. At the same time. Over different things.

One wants to breastfeed while the other one wants a cuddle. One wants to sit on my laps so the other one wants too. One is sick and needs me a lot more. The other one wants the same. One wants me to feed her, so I end up not eating with two children on my laps, feeding both of them.

Snack time!!!!!!!

And I am here in the middle. Pouring my love on them. Playing good cop, bad cop. Not having anyone who can step in and take over when I am ready to explode. And there are times when it gets to a point when I am craving to get my body back for an hour, a day. When no one will ask for me, touch me, grab me, climb on me, bite me, pull me, hang on my leg… It is a weird feeling when it seems your body doesn’t belong to you anymore. Not an single second of the day. 

Even at night :)

When Daddy Yo is here, we can share this. If one girl need me, he can take care of the other one. If I put one girl down for a nap, he will do something with the other one. They can share their needs between both of us. It seems a small, petty thing, but after 6 months of being more than their everything, it is hard for me. We may have a nanny but they don’t want them as they want their parents, of course. At least I am glad for that! They can still make the difference! 

I love them as much, maybe even more as the bonding is of every minute and we carry each other everyday. But It is also weary some days.

I first spent 3 months in France. And it never felt better being home than this year. 

The vibe, the choice of food from the market, the variety of activities for the kids. This year just felt good and I will get back to why it felt so good in the next post.

Poney ride in the countryside and around the lake.

While there, I had my parents and sister to share the attention of the kids with. And most important, my childhood friends, sister and parents to talk to at night. Once the girls were asleep, I would sneak out of the room and sit with my childhood friends and sister over a beer. Or sit on my parents bed and watch a movie or talk, talk and talk. After being a mother all day, it feels nice to feel like a child again, sometimes. Curled up on the foot of their bed. 

Sliding in Jardin du Luxembourg,
Paris

After we travelled back to Boracay, that was the hardest part to adjust to. Once the girls are asleep, it is me, myself and I. 

Long, silent evenings. 

No one to share the hard day I had with two sick children, or the homesickness of being back from my hometown, or the tantrums I had to deal with other than waiting for Daddy Yo to wake up over the computer and chat with him for a bit while he gets ready to work.

But it still is nothing, these challenges, compared to the gift and magic of having well travelled and adventurous children. 

To get to explore the World and our own limit with them, see their eyes get filled with excitement and slowly understand the World unfolding in front of them. 

To see them open their heart, their mind to so many different people and culture. And to never forget how it is to be a child. 

Because we all can. Just kneel down and look through their eyes. There is just love for us and amazing adventures awaiting.

A stroll in the French countryside under the rain.

If you travel with young children by yourself, talk to them, always. 

I kept on telling them: We are a team. It is us against the rest of the World. It is gonna be hard for me, this trip as the only adult. So you guys gonna have to help me. Check on each other, check on me as much as I will check on you. Never leave my side. Never leave your sister's side. Be patient as much as I will be. This is one long day and then, it will be over. Let's hold each other's hand and work through it as a team. 

And guess what? It works! Yes, kids are smart and sensitive enough to understand all of the challenges. They can adapt. They can be the best team mates you would ever imagine. Just give them the chance to be. You might be surprised! 

Now, Alia's favorite mantra is "Family hug! We are family! Gaia, it is you and me forever!". 

When they are not hitting each other, arguing over a toy or my attention, this is them, learning that sisterhood is above everything else.

Sister love in Baler, Philippines. Credit: Sabs Bengzon

For you, the woman who does not want to have children

During a nice sunset session with dear friends, we started sharing about this subject as one of us was in that case. She is the woman who doesn't plan on having kids. No yet after the sentence. It is just not in her plan. Nor the one of her longtime boyfriend.

I really wanted to write about the subject until I tumbled upon that read. 

And I had to share it instead, as I won't be able to tell it better than her.

To The Women Who Choose Not To Have Kids


DEC. 21, 2013 By ABBY ROSMARIN

To the women who choose not to have kids, I have one thing to say: thank you.

You probably don’t hear it enough. In fact, you probably don’t hear it at all. What you do hear is an array of pro-childbearing responses, such as, “You’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Doesn’t your mother want grandkids?” or, “You’ll never find a husband if you never want to have kids.”


All things considered, “thank you” is probably on the opposite end of what you hear.


But seriously: thank you. Thank you for recognizing that childrearing isn’t for you and being true to who you are. It doesn’t mean you hate kids. It just means that raising one is not part of your path in life.

Thank you for not succumbing to the societal pressures. I’ve known far too many parents who had kids because that’s what was expected of them. Working in childcare, you see more of this type than you wish to see. The resentment is almost palpable. They love their children — at least, they have no choice but to love their children — but every single movement seems to scream, “I wasn’t meant for this.” I’ve known too many people who grew up with at least one parent who harbored that resentment, who let that resentment dictate how they parented. I’ve seen how that influenced the way these former children are now as adults, or even as parents themselves.

Thank you for not trying to compromise who you are in an effort to keep a partner around. Thank you for being honest and open and refusing to apologize for who you are. Everyone has different values. Everyone wants something different in life. It takes a lot of guts and confidence to say, “This is what I want in life. It’s not the orthodox way, but it’s my way.”

Thank you for not trying to silence that feeling in your gut as a means to validate your life. There are too many people in this world who cannot figure out their path — or have stumbled while walking down said path — and decided that maybe having a child could provide that meaning and definition instead. You understand that down this path lies vicarious living and hurt emotions and you recognize that there are so many other ways to find love and meaning and joy in your life.

Raising children is a difficult, onerous, frustrating, and disappointing gig. It’s tough enough for those who want it. It is a rewarding and loving gig as well, but it’s not something one should go into while focusing only on reward and love and societal acceptance. In this day and age, with a booming population in almost every country, it makes no sense to pressure every person to have a baby. But we’re sticklers to tradition, ritualistic to a fault.

So thank you. It’s not easy to stand firm with your belief. Honestly, truly, and genuinely: thank you. 

You can read her post, following this link :


http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2013/12/to-the-women-who-choose-not-to-have-kids/

Now, enjoy this time to travel, love and life your way.

One glass of wine + one glass of wine makes 5 bottles of wine!

Last night, we had a mommies night out.

Being a mom is tiring and turns your life upside down. Some subjects are supposed to be taboo. 

Moms are not supposed to complain about their kids.

Sex life is supposed to start again normally 6 weeks after delivery.

Doubts are not allowed.

And many more...

And suddenly, in a small wine bar in this small island in the middle of the Philippines, 7 women are sharing real life stories, without shame.

We were planning to meet at 9 and be home by 11, after a nice glass or two of red wine.
Who knew we all needed this so much??
It ended up being one of the latest, funniest and greatest night I had in a very long time.

I can't disclose anything that was said during that night as sensible souls could read this and not believe we are actually responsible and sane mothers of one or two children.

I can only say how blessed I am to be part of such a group.
And how grateful I am for the honesty that all of us brought to this table last night.

Between our raw talks about sex, fun stories about our partners, crazy stories about kids and shared doubts about future, the waitresses were amused, puzzled and had a blast also, I believe.

What I love with this amazing group of friends I have?
Sharing is easy. No judgement.
Once you open up, you realize we are all the same. We are not crazy, we are moms!
All of us went through the same things. Sometimes, we are shy to talk about it thinking we are alone. But once you hear the stories of other moms, you feel comforted and you start being able to laugh about it.

I remember when I was a teenager, my mom didn't want to join the "all girls lunch" organized by some friends as she knew it was an opportunity for them to bitch about their husbands and complain. And she didn't like that.

I love the fact that our mommies night out are not made for criticizing the Daddies. It's about sharing funny stories, fights, doubts but always with love and respect for them.

We ended up going home at 1:30 in the morning, tipsy, happy, laughing in the streets after 5 bottles of wine, a huge cheese plater and a lot of love shared.

Funny fact was that the Daddies were calling us to come home because of babies awaken and out of worry: It's unusually late for this girls. How come they are still out there in the middle of the night?
Boys, if you only knew...

Mondays moms are totally on!

Thank you mommies for being here, honest, fun, raw. Thank you for being part of this amazing group!

I just want to pee alone!

Back when I was pregnant and Daddy Yo suggested me we look for a helper, I gasped!

I haven’t been raised with helpers. I will not have one!

Then Alia was born. And the house was a mess!

I had no time to eat my breakfast because Alia was awake or I was passing out next to her the second she would fall asleep. 

I would try to do the laundry (by hand) whenever I was not feeding her, changing her or sleeping with her or I would let Daddy Yo do it after he came back home from work, cooked dinner and washed the dishes of the whole day.

I was crying when she was crying in the middle of the night.

I would call our neighbor, Tita Caiys or our Land lady Ate Sally and ask them to help me when Alia was screaming because of gas and I still didn’t have time to eat lunch or take a shower.

When we had our first helper, I realized how lucky we are in the Philippines to be able to afford hiring someone to help us. 

Back in Europe, having a helper at home the whole day would be a luxury. It would cost one full salary of ours!

Of course suddenly, our house was spottless. I was able to rest more without worrying about food or laundry. The mornings I was really tired, I could hand Alia over and go back to sleep for an hour or two. I could even start socializing a little bit by going out for a dinner or a drink once in a while.

And all this time I would not cook, clean or wash, I can fully spend it with my daughter. Take time to play with her, bring her to the beach, organize play dates with the other mommies. Being relax around her knowing someone is here to do the house chores.

When Alia was 3 months old, I started training for our Dragon Boat competition with Daddy Yo. Sharing an "us" time without Alia. I even enjoyed a few "me" time over manicures with my other mommy friends and no kids !

I had the peace of mind to go back to work knowing Alia was at home, safe in her familiar environment.

I know I can make it without a helper.

I also know I am a better mom when I have some help.

I am less stressed, less tired, less frustrated.

Having someone helping you at home is not shameful. 

It doesn’t mean you are a bad mother or a bad wife. 

It doesn’t mean you can’t do it by yourself or are lazy. 

It doesn’t mean you will just sit around on the couch and eat chips while watching a movie.

It means you value your time.

It means you did not forget that you are also a woman. Not just a wife or a mother.

It means you recognize you also have some needs : sleeping a bit longer sometimes, having a massage and a manicure once in a while, doing sport, going to work, enjoying a date with your husband or a drink with your girlfriends…

We are not machines! Keeping a household is a lot of work and being a mother is a full time job!

Help can come from a nanny, the grand-parents, a friend once in a while.

This issue I used to have about having a helper was about pride. The pride that I could do it by myself.

Now, I learned.

And i am proud to know now how to simply ask for help.

From a mother to another

A few months ago, I was training on the beach with my Dragon Boat team. Our meeting point was right next to the land where the Ati were asked (or forced) to move and build their new village.

Everyday, I could see all their kids playing on the beach, running in the water, building little boats and fishes out of plywood and pulling them happily in the water with a nylon string.

I could see moms breastfeeding their babies. Carrying their child close to them, wrapping them around, wearing them. Attachment parenting is not in the education. It's in the blood.

I saw moms and kids. Like me and Alia. Like any mom and her child in the World.

For those who wonder who the Ati people are, they are the "aboriginals". The first inhabitants of the Visayas archipelago. They have their own language, kept some religious practices of their own and face discrimination. Not to mention their original territory in Boracay is becoming smaller and smaller and smaller every time someone has the opportunity to invest where they used to live freely.

What does not help the Ati community of Boracay is the large number of Ati coming from other places. They invade the sand street of White Beach, beg for money and let very young children sleeping on the floor. Sometimes with babies in their arms or at their feet.

Heartbreaking.

Heartbreaking to see this.

And heartbreaking to know one of the cause of their discrimination is the fact that a lot of people think the Ati Community of Boracay mistreat their children, don’t take care of the youngest and let them beg.

But the Ati community of Boracay is very different. They would like to be a part of our World, our lives.

A few days ago, we were talking with a couple of moms. We want to help them.

Bring them clothes for the kids, clothes diapers for their babies.

Teach them why this is so important to keep a basic hygiene with the babies so diseases will spread less.

And help them having the means to do so.

I talked to Susanne, a wonderful woman who lives in Boracay for many years. She’s doing everything she can to help their Community already. She loved the idea. I messaged many moms around me and so far, I have only amazing feedbacks.

When we will all be set, we will organize a meeting with the Ati moms.

The Boracay Baby Boomers meet the Ati moms.

From mothers to mothers.

Our group is boiling with good intention and ideas : workshops, food sharing, play dates…

I love it and I’m feeling so excited about it !

For the filipino kids in Boracay today, being surrounded by foreigners and mixed kids is normal.

I dream of a future where our kids will not see the Ati kids as a Community apart and discriminated. I wish they will go to school all together, play on the beach and exchange stories. I wish our kids will not make any difference between them and the Ati kids.

I wish...

Let’s work on it !!!

We talked so much about you!

Before Alia came into our lives, we were "party people", travelling, doing sports, living on the beach. When we talked about having a baby, we wanted to be sure we were in synch with what it involved and how we wanted to bring her to the World.

I saw couples who never talked about this things falling apart and fighting about main aspect of education.

I am French. Jewish mom, Catholic dad. My parents raised us in the Jewish culture (and a little bit of religion but not much). I was going to the Synagogue for the main celebrations once a year (twice exceptionnally) when we were not late or skipping it. I stepped in a Church a couple of time for a masse or funerals and weddings but most of the time, I’ve been visiting them as beautiful landmarks.

I travelled in many places around the world since I was 2 years old and I left my parents house to live and study in Paris at 18. I was raised in the countryside and went to school in a public school in a small city and spent my week ends listening to Reggae concerts. I’ve studied Art and Communication, spent an unmesurable nombre of hours in the museum and spent all my week-end partying in my place with friends or drinking Chablis in a small bistrot where Brass band and Jazz band were playing.

Daddy Yo is Filipino. Raised Catholic, altar boy in his young years, born and raised in the Big City of Manila. His grand-dad was in the military and he spent most of his holidays in his farm, learning from him. He spent years playing frisbee and climbing mountains, was a regular in all reggae concerts around his University while drinking beer, lived in his parents place until 28 years-old with four generation in the same house and studied tourism. 

English is both our second language. Boracay became our Home the same year. We had to find a balance to mix all our differences and make our own little blend.

We talked about our  Education. What were the values that were important for both of us? Respect, Family, Tolerance, Communication, Conviviality, Education, Openmindness were part of this Values that are important for us.

We talked about our background. To understand where we were coming from. What our families went through.

We talked about religion. What was important for us. What we were believing in. We learned from each other.

I was living in his country. He came with me to mine. To understand where I grew up, who made me who I am. Went to all the places I used to go as a kid, met my family, friends and neighbors.

Paris, 2010

We learned each other’s cultures, what was taboo in his was not in mine. What was ok in Philippines was not where I grew up (and vice versa). We learned the rules and the customs.

I went to church with him at 5 am for Christmas. It was magic. He watched so many french movies he ended up loving so much. He read « Le petit Prince » (The Little Prince) and made me read « Noli Me Tangere » (The book of their national Hero, Jose Rizal). He's listening to Gainsbourg and I love Freddie Aguilar and Brown Man Revival.

We talked about where I will give birth. What was easier for us? Best for him? Fair for our couple? We decided Manila was the best: It was safe as their hospital are very good. Easy for him to still work in Boracay while I am there waiting for our baby. We could go there at the last moment (and not months ahead as if we'd decide to go back to France). Plus he would need a long visa to stay several months in France. My parents could come more easily in the Philippines than his parents in France.

We talked about religion. How will we bring our kids up? We decided to give her a bit of both. We’ll teach her there are different minds. She will be baptised as it is important for him. I will let him bring her to the church and teach her what he believes in. I will talk to her about my believes also. She might have her own believes one day. We want her openminded.

We talked about our options for school and studies.

About marriage. I did not want a church wedding. He agreed on a civil one.

We talked about what language was important for her to learn. I speak to her in French, Daddy Yo in Tagalog and English is the language she hears all around us. Our helper Ate Jen even speaks to her in Visayan. We want her international.

He respected the fact that I was thinking of bottle feed her. He supported me all the way when I decided to breastfeed.
He respected my choice of not co-sleeping and even bought the crib. But he followed me when I decided to give it a try.

Now Alia is with us, I believe our open talks made a difference. It made it easier for us as we know what to expect in the big lines.

Of course, we will still spend hours talking about the little things when they will come up.

But we know we will stick together when it comes to the main decisions. 

Because we are in together, for the long run. And we are in as a family. Not against each other.

As Anthony Robbins was telling it too well, "To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others."

Light my fire!

Thanks to my friend Abbey, we had laughter and smiles today!

Despite the awful and long night, we had a great breakfast. Babies were playing and we also got to stay over for lunch to celebrate Alia's 7th month!! Pizza and pasta party. We took a nice walk around and went home mid-afternoon.

Alia was restless (she didn't took a proper nap since 6:30 am and it was already 4:30 pm) so I decided to walk on the beach for her to fall asleep in the carrier. At least she could rest 30 minutes. Better than nothing. Two friends I met while walking told me the same thing: if there is a next time, check yourself out in a hotel or go to a friend's place for three days. Sleep, rest. It will be easier on your daughter and you'll get to recover fully to be the kicking-mom you are everyday. I hope there won't be a next time, but if ever there is, I'll think twice about this option! As you think about it, it is quite true. How can you recover fully (and go back to breastfeed at night and work during the day) while you are sick, handling almost by your own a frustrated baby who scream during the day and most of the night? You are not helpful at home as you can't breastfeed the baby and every time baby sees you, she doesn't want the bottle anymore and scream.

Anyway, today was a good playdate that lightened my week.

I love playdates with Abbey's son as Alia is always so excited so see him. Plus, she LOVES to copy him. Which is great for her to learn new tricks. Plus, I get to chat with a very good friend.

When we travelled to Malaysia with them three month ago, Alia learnt from her best mate how to play with her tongue and spread saliva all over. She did the trick over and over and still does! Her favorite time to do it? In the morning, to wake us up! A morning shower!!

Alia and I in Kuala Lumpur

When we hanged out for three days in a row in the afternoon two months ago, Alia studied how her mate would jump as a frog (to try to crawl) and tried hard to do the same. Sadly for her, she was too young to do the same as they are a month and a half apart.

Today, she was so proud to show him what she could do on her four but he was even more proud showing off his new skills: standing up by his own!!

Oh, she's trying hard to catch up with him now! When we went home, we put her in her crib for a while and she was trying to grab anything that could help her standing up. If I'd help her, she would grab the side of her crib and stand like this, trying to look over the bed (I'll show you pictures tomorrow as the camera is in the bedroom and I don't want to risk waking up my little crying monster).

Playdates are great times for babies as young as this to learn how to socialize, borrow, lend, share. It will take time for them to get this notions. But the earlier you teach them, the more normal it will become to them.

We have a big group of babies here on the island. We call ourselves the Boracay Baby Boomers. Our kids are between 2 years old and... still on the way. And knowing they will grow together is great as we can really teach them how to act in a group of kids. Patience, kindness, gentleness, politeness with others are some basic I want Alia to learn as young as possible.

But one step at a time!

Tonight is the last rough night and tomorrow, we are back to normal!! More crying from both mother and daughter will be rewarded by a tight cuddle in the morning while breastfeeding. And we will get to forget about this past dark few days!

I can see the light!

Drugs and other tales

Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez, As long as I am not breastfeeding, I would make good use of a bottle of wine! Or even a bottle of Tequila...

Like, the whole bottle, or maybe two or three! BUT, I am still taking medicines so it is out of question for my biggest disappointment. Or two days in a SPA by my own, away from any responsibility. At least, I won't have the hangover.

Yesterday evening was surprisingly fine. Alia was tired, she drank her bottle in my arms then fell asleep very fast (in our bed). Boom, 7:30pm. Easy!

I made sure to explain her over and over again why I cannot breastfeed her: "I am taking medicines and this medicines are going in my milk so the milk is not good for you for the time I will take them. It is because I am sick and I don't want you to be sick so I am trying to recover very soon! But I love you so much and on Saturday, the boobies are ALL yours!"

Then she woke up a little while after and it was a bit more challenging to put her back to sleep but I managed without even giving her milk. Only cuddles and comfort. I was kinda proud at this point and thinking it was going to be quite easy after all.

Then she woke up at 2 am and cried, cried, cried, cried... until 4:30 am. Pushing the bottle away, screaming in my arms while pulling my shirt, screaming in Daddy Yo's arms. We were tired and helpless. I ended up sitting on the floor while he was trying to put her back to sleep for the unpteenth time. My milk was leaking, my boobs were so painful and my headache was making it impossible for me to go to the kitchen and pump. Thanks to the antibiotics, I got dehydrated and started to have pain while peeing (yes, here is the naked truth of a mom under antibiotics, sorry!)

She finally fell asleep on Daddy Yo's chest and slept until 8 am. Nice, would you tell me, right? But I was up a bit before 7, with a massive headache, going to pee every 15 minutes. 

I went back to sleep for an hour while Alia was sleeping after breakfast. A precious hour. Very very precious. As she didn't feel asleep until... 7:15 pm. After a lot of cuddling, reassuring words, lullabies and dancing.

She spent the afternoon crying, pulling my shirt, playing, crying again as she was so sleepy, drinking her bottle then pushing it away for the next meal. And I spent the afternoon crying, feeling guilty for being sick (Stupid, right? As if I could do anything against it. But you know, Guilt still kicked at my front door), pumping and holding my painful head.  A hell of an afternoon for both Alia and me.

     Loosing it in a good way!

Good friends came to visit. That highlighted my day! 

One of our mommy friend came to announce us that we can get our puppy whenever we want after I recovered (Puppy!!!!!!!!!!!! Cute black and brown puppy!! Half Labrador, half Husky). We already baptised him Pampu.x

Another dear friend who gave birth to the cutest boy a month and half before me (one of Alia's best travel/play date/learning buddy so far) came with a flower, food and a good chat. How good do you feel after that?!!! Before knowing I had a huge stock of breast milk in my fridge, the first thing she offered me was to pump a bottle of milk a day for Alia (if ever Alia was going to take formula while I could not feed her). Telling you that I appreciated her offer is beyond it! There are no words to express my feelings. I was deeply touched.

Tomorrow, I will start my day by a breakfast in my friend's place so Alia can play with her son. And I believe our day will be better.

As Bernard Meltzer was saying, "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

Good morning World... and good night!

Today was the day I went back to the office! First time in 8 months...

Challenging day as Daddy Yo left at 5am for a short trip to Manila. So, here I and Alia are. Daddiless for three days. Hopefully we have an amazing nanny, Ate Jen, who started working for us when Alia was a month old. It's so important so find someone who you can trust with your eyes closed and leave your baby without worrying every second!

Early this morning, Daddy Yo kissed us goodbye: I was awaken enough to register he was leaving but not enough to really answer him back. "Ummmmmfffff" was the only thing I could actually tell him. Alia was sound asleep next to me. Until 6am, when I heard her giggling and saw her crawling backward, her feet already at the edge of the bed.

THAT woke me up!

After jumping to grab her, putting her back in the middle of the bed and building a wall of pillows (around her and on the floor), I threw all her toys in front of her and allowed myself half an hour of extra sleep (to be ready to go back to work without falling asleep on the keyboard of my computer of my first day).

The next thing I know was that Sophie beat me up. For those who know her, yes that Sophie, the Giraffe, the one and only, infamous, favorite rubber toy for teething! The same one Alia loves to grab, bite, pull, hit and throw. This time, Alia was holding the poor thing by the head and was furiously banging it on the bed (and my head at some point).

Anyway, THAT woke me up pretty hard and for good (I should check for bruises on my face by the way)!

I then, decided I slept enough. Or Alia decided. Even Sophie the Giraffe got into my way of sleeping longer. After a well deserved coffee, a good breakfast, a fast shower, feeding Alia, pumping some milk and preparing myself mentally (more for leaving Alia 5 hours than going back to work), I left under the rain.

Five hours, it is long without her. I rushed home to hear Alia starting crying when I reached the garden. She looked at me with her teary eyes and welcomed me with open arms. My heart melted as I squeezed her and drowned her with kisses!

After giving birth, my friends and I went to a "Mommies and Babies" yoga class. Our amazing and beautiful teacher told us one thing that I will never forget: Moms who are working are lucky. Even if it seems hard to leave our babies behind, we get the chance to miss them, show them a good example of sacrifice and independence, have some time for us and come back home as better moms.

It's going to be hard sometimes, I'll need to adjust myself. But I am grateful I have the opportunity to go back to work and use my brain, set my daughter a good example of independence and feel all her Love flooding me when I come home!

Tomorrow, I am ready again!

Apart from Sophie the Giraffe...

"A cheerful friend is like a sunny day spreading brightness all around!"

Today, we were off to Nabaoi for the second birthday of Alia's friend.

Amazing bamboo house near the river, good food, great company. Most of Alia's friends were there and they got to play, grab each other's hair, swim...

Anyway, let me explain more about Alia's friends. And mine, by the way.

We live on a small island in the Philippines. About 10 square kilometers. And a lot of good friends from everywhere around the world who decided to live the Life by moving here (I am one of them). We manage hotels, own restaurants, teach kitesurfing or yoga, run our small businesses, and party.

Between 2010 and 2012, quite a few of my girlfriends got pregnant (including me): nothing weirdly planned ahead but the fact is more than 10 babies were born, one after another, to create a happy bundle of playmates! And a few more are on their way... How fun you will tell me. Yes, indeed!

But being a mom is hard. And tiring. And frustrating even, sometimes. Come on, if motherhood was easy, dads would do it, right?

So, a few times a week, we meet to go out of the house, have grown-up time while our kids play together, seek for advices, talk about our joys and fears, unload our tiredness and clear our minds on the beach or at each other's place, around a drink or lunch.

Who else better than another mom can understand when you are so tired you hold it against your baby's cry for a second before hating yourself for doing so? Or how hard it can be to cope with the daddies' totally different way to deal with fatherhood (it does not make them any less amazing dads)? Or the challenge to go back to work and keep breastfeeding? The lack of sleep? The body modification? Need I keep going?

I am lucky to live in a place where everybody know each other. Where the longest ride you can take is 15 mins by tricycle, where you can even walk to any places you want to go. Where your work is never far from your house and there is always someone to help you.

I live in a "holiday-spirit" all year round.

But what makes really easier the fact of being a new mom is my group of mommies. Not only our babies already have a lot of playmates to grow up with, I have found way more than just friends. A ear to listen, a shoulder to cry and a good spirit to have a glass of wine and laugh when the babies are sound asleep!