If I could have taken your pain away!

Fear is only as deep as the mind allows, says a Japanese proverb.

That day of November 2016, my mind let fear enter for a short while only. But I still have the taste of it in my mouth.

It is funny. If I read what I wrote last, it was about you, my love. Gaia. About your second birthday and all the joy you are bringing us every day. You, our fearless and wild one.

But a few days after your second birthday, your fearless and wild self grabbed a bowl of boiling tea on the table. You were so fast. Everything went so fast. And in less that a second, you were screaming...

My parents and I removed her clothes in a blink of an eye and rushed her to the kitchen sink. We let cold water run over her body. I was composed, calm and efficient. I believe I am not the type who is panicking when the girls get hurt or get daredevil.

But then, I saw it. Her skin, her soft, perfect, beautiful baby skin starting to melt in front of my eyes. This is when my mind plunged right into the deepest distress I have ever known. I screamed to my father to hold her and stumbled onto the sofa, in the living room. I remember Alia, standing there, watching us silently, without understanding. I remember my face in my hands. I remember screaming. Just a scream.

A few days later, my mother told me that this scream made her understand it was more serious than just a little burn.

After some pain killer and twenty minutes under running water, we jumped on our motorbike and rushed her to the clinic where she was taken care of by an amazing doctor. She did everything she had to do and more: calm Gaia, comfort me, panse her wounds and show love and compassion.

She reassured me Gaia will not have a single scare. She promised me Gaia will go home and play.

Two hours of being in a state of shock, sitting in the sofa back home, then Gaia fell asleep for a couple of hours. When she woke up, she took her pain killers and indeed, ran to play with Alia.

The next week was nothing but change her dressings, give her showers while she was crying out of fear for pain and taking care of her.

We also called a healer to take the fire away from her little body. Gaia was asleep when the woman arrived. She started working on her relaxed and sleeping body when Gaia woke up. She looked at her, closed her eyes again and let the biggest sight of relief out. She then let the healer move her around to work of every burned area of her body. Right after this day, I believe the wounds dried and healed faster.

Gaia sustained second degree burns on her shoulder, chest, side body, lower back. And a few first degree burns around her belly and mouth.

A few weeks later, her skin was healed but the pigmentation has not yet recovered. Thanks to a mix of essential oils a dear friend mixed for us, a few months later, we could not see where the burns used to be.

I realised I did not write anything since, because I was scared of facing that day, in front of the white page of my computer. But I coud not continue without writing about this scariest event of my life.

The day I wished I could take the pain away from my child.

And my heart expands in a magical way

“Before I had my child, I thought I knew all the boundaries of myself, that I understood the limits of my heart. It’s extraordinary to have all those limits thrown out, to realize your love is inexhaustible.” — Uma Thurman


So, I'm 7 months and half in my second pregnancy now.
And that has been a crazy roller-coaster. I guess that's why I have been so private about it.

First of all, it was not planned. At least, not this year. So, at first, I literally freaked out thinking it was too early, not prepared. I was looking at Alia, thinking she was still so small.

Alia introducing her sister Gaia Mayari!

But thanks to my awesome husband who reassured me we will always find a way, i started seeing all the good sides of it: sure, most of my friends already have the second one, so it's nice if our second one is not too far apart. They will grow up together, like our first ones did.

Plus I always said I will have my two kids before 30 and I got pregnant the second time around on my 29th year. So, the universe remembered what I wanted.

And, yes, Alia and our second one won't be too far apart as well. So it's nice for them.

Plus, let's face it, i'll be done with pregnancy and diapers faster this way!

Yes, I always wanted two kids, maybe 2 years apart. But once I had Alia, I had this fear: how can you possibly love more than one human being so much, unconditionally, deeply? How can your heart get split in two?

Now, I understand. Your heart doesn't split. Your love for one doesn't shrink.
Your heart gets bigger. It expand. It grows.

After eight weeks of morning sickness, being on my knees in front of the toilets every single day, laying on my couch feeling nauseous every second of the day, not being able to smell or eat or move much, I went to France.

I got blessed that morning sickness stopped for a few days, allowing me to take my three planes without having to run to the toilets onboard. I was alone with Alia, on a night flight. That was my biggest worry. But everything went fine. We arrived in France: I had lost a few kilos and had a big deficit of iron. It made me look like a gothic teenager more than a blooming mother-to-be.

When finally, my appetite slowly came back, we found out I had Toxoplasmosis. This silly bacteria you get from cats, unwashed vegetable and fruits or uncooked meat. Silly because, if you are not pregnant, this bacteria is nothing. You get it, you probably won't even notice, you are immune, end of the story. But if you are pregnant, real damages can be passed onto your baby's brain and eyes.

In the Philippines, it's not a common thing. So, they don't test you for it. In Europe, it is. The test is mandatory in France when you are expecting.

Normally, if you get it while you are pregnant, they will give you antibiotics until the end of your pregnancy to protect your baby. In my case, we had no idea when I contracted it. Therefore, we didn't know the risks the baby could be contaminated already.

As a prevention, I started to take some antibiotics. And we ran some tests to date the bacteria. And I had to change our tickets and stay one more month in France.

There was three scenarios laying in front of me.
Either I had it before getting pregnant, and our baby was safe.
Or I had it just when I arrived in France, and I would continue my antibiotics treatments.
The third one kept me awaken a few nights. If I had it during my three first months and the baby's brain was contaminated, I could do a amnio-synthesis to check the baby. Then I could have an IRM made a few months later and see the damages on the baby's brain. In France, you can choose to have a medical abortion at any time, in the worst cases. Do I need to say more?

We spent a month waiting for all the results. A month away from Daddy-Yo, freaking out alone in Sri Lanka. A month not saying to Alia she may (or may not) have a little sister in a few months. A month of not knowing if my baby was ok.

Until the news came: I got the toxoplasmosis right before I got pregnant. Our daughter was safe.

We found a name for her, of course. Gaia Mayari. Gaia: Earth, City of Light. Mayari: Goddess of the Moon in the Tagalog Mythology. A strong name for a strong girl.

Now, Daddy-Yo is still working in Sri-Lanka, missing his girls as much as we miss him. We got to see him for ten days for my 30th birthday. That was heaven!

Small celebration with Island family

Being by myself, pregnant and caring for a 2 and a half year-old is a roller-coaster.

It taught me I am strong. It taught me I am weak. It taught me I always need to improve my patience. It taught me that my daughter, Alia, is an amazing human being. Even more than I thought she was (and I thought she was pretty damn amazing already, believe me!)

She was the one stroking my hair and cheek while I was vomiting in the toilets. She was the one bringing water to me. She is the one asking if my tummy is "ouchy" and if "baby inside" is ok. She is the one hugging me out of nowhere while we are eating dinner. And kissing me in the morning to wake me up. And sleeping on my shoulder at night.

Very soon, Daddy Yo will be home and we will be a family again. Actually we never stopped being one. Being away from him so long taught me that when you find the one, even though you fight and argue sometimes, distance only makes you stronger.

"Everything you can imagine is real"

It's been ages I haven't wrote even though I thought about it every single week.
Our beginning of year was crazier than we even expected!

Alia, in Vigan, enjoying the crowd watching her show 

Here we were after Vigan, going to Caliraya (for a "no-kid" weekend) then back to Boracay for a couple of days only, before flying again to Manila and picking up my parents. We flew directly to El Nido, Palawan in a beautiful place we rented for a week. Between days chilling in the swimming pool and boat trips discovering the beautiful beaches around, we didn't have time to get bored! Unfortunately, Alia got sick and ended up with 39.9° of fever in the middle of a boat trip we had to cut short to rush to the nearest clinic. The day after, she was fine! And it was the end of our Palawan holidays.

Tatay and daughter time in the middle of the kites for Daddy Yo's first competition

Visiting Vigan by night on a horse-drawn carriage

Alia still managed to visit the secret lagoon, where she had to jump off the boat, swim in open sea for a 150 meters, pass under the rocky mountain to end up in a hidden cove with an amazing white sand beach! She was less scared than me and enjoyed the swim back and forth so much!

We got to see Sea Turtles swimming around the boat, great places you can only access by boat and stay in a really relaxing place, away from the noise, the crowd and the bars.

Alia, at the hidden cove, after the long swim!

El Nido, view from our room...

Back in Manila, we had to think again about our plans to celebrate her second birthday under the tents in Malasimbo Festival. As she was feeling better but had a slight fever again when we arrived in Manila, we decided it was safer to cancel our musical trip. We don't want to risk anything when we are camping in the middle of nowhere!

So here we were, going back to Boracay earlier than expected to celebrate Alia's Indian second birthday! We had a fun little barbecue party with her and our closest friends and an afternoon of fun outside with the kiddie pool and the water hose.

Indian cake for an indian party!

After a week and half with my parents, enjoying Boracay and the house, we finally had some time for us. We cancelled our trip to Puerto Princesa, as we believed Alia needed to enjoy her friends and stay a bit home: our little trail-blazer needed some rest.

Enjoying our "no-kid" weekend with friends

We then, planned the next part of our adventure year.
As Daddy Yo really wanted to work for a season abroad and got an invitation in a really cool kite school in Sri Lanka, he booked his tickets for 3 months there.
I and Alia decided to visit my family ahead of time this year so I could spend my 30st birthday at home.

So here we are, in France! Missing Daddy Yo every single day and we know he does too. But I am thrilled he's realizing one of his wish of spending a season abroad and enjoying it!

Alia becoming a country girl but doesn't forget to put lipstick on first

Due to health issue, I had to extend my trip to another month. It's been a long and rocky road but now, I'm all good and happy. Homesick. But grateful the worries are behind me!

Brownout means family time on the beach!

Once more, we don’t have a nanny anymore.

But since there is less wind so less work for Daddy Yo, it has been manageable. 

I started again training with my Dragon Boat team and we are getting ready for the competition at the end of the month. Daddy Yo is bonding with Alia every morning from her wake up time until I go home from the training around 9 :30. Sometimes, they surprise me on the beach and we go for a swim or a breakfast before going back home.

This summer is so hot, it’s quite hard being outside too long during the day.

Even in front of the fan, there are days when we are sweating just by blinking.

Yesterday was one of these days.

While Daddy Yo was resting, Alia and I hit the beach early morning and met some friends of us for a coffee. Kids were running on the beach and mommies were sipping on coconut juices. Perfect !

We went back home on time for lunch and before the heat hours.

Afternoon was spent playing and taking several quick showers trying to refresh a bit.

Around 4 :30pm : brownout. Yes, brownout, on top of this heat !

Daddy Yo had a jamming for a summer event on the beach and by 7pm, I would be alone at home with Alia. I like being alone from time to time in the evenings. I watch a french movie, surf the web and sleep early.

But with the heat and no power at home, that was another story. Alia was cranky because she was sweating and I could not imagine myself running after  and following her with a flashlight  around the house or using a fan to ventilate her until the power will be back.

I remember the time before Alia. Anytime there was a brownout, Daddy Yo and I would run to the beach and party or swim until the power was back. So what stopped us to do the same with Alia now?

We decided that, if by 7pm, the power was not back, we would accompagny Daddy Yo at his event, eat dinner on the beach with him and friends then go home when the power would be back again.

As we left the house, the breeze hit us.

Once in the tricycle, we picked up some of the bandmates of Daddy Yo and the drums then took the back road of the island. As we passed by the small street, we could see everybody hanging out with the neighbors, carrying the kids and babies, talking, seating, walking outside.

And that reminded me this is one of the reason why I fell in love with Boracay and the Philippines.

People will not stay home, complaining about the heat and the lack of power. They will just open their door and find another reason to hang out with their friends and family.

Just because of a brownout, my evening turned out  to be perfect. Alia got to dance to her daddy playing drums, I got to eat yummy morrocan food and spend time with friends and by 9pm, we were home with everything back to normal.

Alia did not sleep early like usual but she was happy and more relaxed in the breeze on the beach than under the heat at home.

And her eyes when she saw her dad jamming! It was priceless!!

Beauty and happiness is everywhere with positive thoughts!

Letter to Alia

My dearest daughter,

Today, you are one year old.

While you are sound asleep, I want to write you a few words so you can read it later.

A year ago, your tatay and I were welcoming you in our arms, in our life and in our hearts. Since then, there is not one day that passed without you making me smile. Even through pain, tears, doubts and arguments.

You truly are a gift to me!

Being a mom is such a powerful experience. It’s overwhelming, beautiful, painful, fun, scary, magic, intense…

Being your mom is priceless! I will never be able to thank the universe enough for choosing me to birth you and hold your hand to enter in this World.

This year has been the most intense of my life.

Being a parent is not just about you, my love.

It’s about redefining myself and my life. What are my priorities, my new goals, my daily life.

It’s about remembering how it felt to be a child so I can always understand you.

And looking at the way your dad and I were raised. Bring the values our parents tought us and add a twist of what we believe in.

It’s being scared of making a mistake but still doing it because we believe it’s for your best.

It’s about accepting who you are and watching you grow the way you want to.

And it’s about finding our place in this new dynamic as a couple for your dad and I.

Meeting in between, making compromise. Make time for each other.

It has been hard. Some days, I felt like giving up.

But at the end, your dad and I love each other more than all this obstacles.

And you are our glue!

Laughter made us going through this year.

Hearing your laught when discovering everything.

And us, being able to laugh at each other and together.

Laugh is the best remedy, my love. The only medicine in life.

And I am grateful for this year that has been filled with laughter and love.

When I hear you calling me « maman », my heart is swealing, ready to explose with joy and love. When you hug me and kiss me, feed from me and play with my mouth with your little hand, laugh out loud and dance, jump on us to say good morning, I sometimes feel like crying.

That’s how powerful it is. That’s how huge my love is for you. That’s how overwhelming and beautiful it is to know you are made out of a little of your dad and a little of me.

If sometimes, I loose my patience, I apologize. I can be weak when I am tired. And everyday, I am reminding myself this is not the way I want to be with you.

Sometimes, I am a bit harder with you. But it’s to protect you from something that can be dangerous for you. It’s out of fear to see you harm and not against you.

I want to give you a happy life. Filled with love and fun.

            I want you to experience things by yourself. Get hurt and know I will always be here

            to listen to and advise you. Because, this is the way you will learn and grow.

I want you to travel a lot and be exposed to different cultures and places because that will be your most valuable lesson in life.

I want you to be confident. You are loved! You are a beautiful soul. You are a happy spirit.

Never try to impress people. Always be who you are.

Always believe in yourself. And if you don’t, I will be here to believe twice as much.

This is how much I love you.

Because you are the light in my life. And the reason why I smile everyday.

Happy birthday, my love.

Alia, cuddling her new Rocking Horse

A message from your Tatay:

Alia, you keep me alive.

The way you show me your love melt my heart.

You truly are the life and love between your mom and me.

Keep it up! Ahoooo!

Love, Tatay.

A year to remember!

The best gift 2012 brought me!

I am welcoming 2013 with a smile. Though, I was not in a hurry for this year to come to an end.

Despite a few down, which is part of life, 2012 has been an amazing year for me.

A year I will cherish and remember all my life.

First, I became a mother. 2012 brought me the most wonderful, fun, strong, beautiful and stuborn daugther. What can make a year more beautiful than the birth of your first child ?

On top of this, it brought me a husband: loving, sweet, funny, disorganized and irritating sometimes but an awesome dad.

And finally, it brought us a home. In the process. But 2012 was the year it started.

We traveled to Malaysia, France and Switzerland.

We welcomed our whole families and friends for the first time in Boracay.

I strengthen some friendships that I believe will last for a very very long time.

We lost some beloved ones.

I shed tears of sadness and happiness.

We argued.

I grew and learnt a lot.

2012 made my world turn upside down!

And at the end of the day, I find my strength in Alia.

She was what made 2012 the best year of my life.

When I look back at 2011 and 2012, things are going better and better.

I know where I am going, what I want and I cannot wait to see what 2013 is holding for me.

Bring it on !

Happy New Year to all from the Astronaut family!

May 2013 be filled with love, laughter, fun & health!

This Christmas feeling!

Our Christmas tree with all the gifts underneath.

For the first time in 5 years, I really felt the spirit of Christmas.

Once again, we spent on the Beach, under the sun and the coconut trees. 

And I always had a hard time feeling Christmas without the snow, the cold, the smell of a real Christmas tree, the old box of decorations we have since we are child and the fire in the chimney. 

But this year was special. Alia is here and she was our Christmas spirit!

On Christmas day, Daddy Yo came across with someone he knows. Someone from a foreign country. This person is not Catholic. When he automatically greeted him "Merry Christmas", this guy still and did not answered. Then, he started saying that Christmas was nothing and did not mean anything for him.

Parol on the beach: made out of eggs.

I actually never practiced Christmas in a Catholic way. We would only have our whole family coming at home and sleeping over. We would eat seafood and Foie Gras and chocolate and drink good wine, stay up late at night and talk in front of the chimney. Christmas would only be a family reunion for us.

Santa Claus is the representation of Christmas for me.

But I surely want Alia to know what Christmas means for her dad and his family. 
I would love to discover more by accompanying her to the church for Christmas when she will be bigger. The more knowledge, the more understanding you have of what is surrounding you. And the more acceptance. 


I do not have to embrace it. I just need to respect it.

So we went to Kalibo and bought a Christmas tree. A fake one, yes, but at least I have one!

We bought lights for our tree and the windows outside.

And a lot of gifts. For Alia's friends and most of it for our princess.

How exciting it was to decorate our first own family Christmas tree while drinking wine, after putting Alia to bed!

Every evening, we would put the lights on and enjoy the colors filling up our living room! (We actually still do..)

Over the next weeks, I packed all the gifts while Daddy Yo was building a Parol with a yellow light and red paper.

I even got around 150 Christmas songs on my computer, just for the occasion!

All the time Daddy Yo would ask me what I want for Christmas, I would joke and tell him: "A nanny!"

On the 24th, we took a family walk on the beach and had breakfast in our favorite place, Lemon Cafe. Then, we went to the back beach, in Freestyle Kite Center for Daddy Yo to work and kite a bit. 

He told me we were supposed to interview a potential nanny there. And shortly after the interview, my wish came true!! We have a new nanny! 

Finally, we can both go back to work and our house will be a bit more organized. 

Except Daddy Yo had two lazy and cocooning days when he did not want to leave the house despite the nanny. Just so he could cuddle and play with Alia. I guess their week of intense bonding made the separation difficult for both of them. Believe it or not, she is even more of a Daddy's girl now!

Daddy Yo & his princess.

But our best gift was to suddenly see Alia let go of the couch and walk about 10 steps to reach Daddy Yo and me! I am such a proud mama of a strong little girl!

Anyway, after a day on the beach, we got ready for our Christmas dinner.

Alia was wearing a cute little shirt I hand painted for her, with a Santa Claus hat on it.

We had an amazing traditional Noche Buena with our dear friends Nicole, Kim, Bogs, Lian and their kids, Karen and Buboy.

A table filled with Love and good food!

We stuffed ourself with amazingly good food: Christmas ham, Queso de Bola, freshly baked Pandesal from Lemon Cafe, Lechon stuffed with garlic and chili, fish Lumpia (the best ones!), Carbonara pasta made by our Junior master chef Malia and an amazing Kaldereta. We enjoyed watching the kids fighting against tiredness in order to open their gifts. Alia was the only early bird in bed but the other children followed her sooner or later.

Daddy Yo cutting the Lechon in his cute little apron.

After a late night filled with love and laughter, we all headed home.

On the morning of the 25th, I gathered all Alia's gifts on her mat and brought her in the middle.

Her reaction was priceless! She loved every single present. We spent the whole day in, playing, sleeping and cuddling. I loved every single minutes of this day!

First shot of Alia in the middle of all her gifts!

At night, we had a quiet night with our friends and neighbors Jack and Olya. More food and a bit of wine.

What an amazing first Christmas for our beautiful girl!

What an amazing gift the universe gave us to take care of such a sweet, fun and strong little soul.

Merry Christmas to all!

Alia, first one in bed and for sure, very comfortably settled!

Together we can do so much!

Daddy Yo left for a few days in Manila as his grand-father passed away.

We did not go with him: Alia is very young to witness a wake and funerals.

My morning love affair!

A day before the bad news, our nanny left the house for good, unexpectedly.

So here I am, alone with Alia for already 5 days. Not being able to go to work as long as I don't have a new nanny to take care of Alia.

Good thing Daddy Yo is coming back tomorrow.

Our morning walk on the way to a friend for lunch

A dear friend of mine welcomed me in her house while Daddy Yo is not with us so I won't be totally left alone. 

The though of being just the two of us was a bit overwhelming for me! 

We live quite far (as far as a 7 kilometers long island can be) from the center so I did not want to feel cut from the World for a week.

Frankly? I am exhausted! 

Alia's tooth number 7 went out and I have plenty of bruises from bites to testify.

And she is missing her Daddy Yo so she has been a bit cranky this past two days, having the first tantrums of her life, throwing herself on the floor, rolling and screaming, arching her back and saying a long and sad: "Babaaa"! Heartbreaking! And frustrating!

A new playmate and a lot of laughter this morning!

But we had quite a lot of good bonding and laugh trip and cuddles this past 5 days!

Eating delicious food, walking on the beach with my friend, swimming, listening to beautiful Christmas songs, having lunch in our friend's place who baked an amazing Lemon bar, dealing with Alia alone.

We had a couple of visit, a play date with a friend's little girl who wanted to hug Alia all the time, an unexpected play date with the neighbor little boy who was laughing out loud with Alia, an amazing Christmas party at work with a mascarade theme, a few accidents with a bump on the head, a lot of mosquito bites (despite the plug, the long sleeves and legged pajama and the Citronella) and a baby shower this afternoon.

Alia's face look like she has chicken pox due to a lot of mosquitoes on the first night. So last night, when we had to go to the Christmas party at my work (it's in a big, lust, beautiful garden), I almost bathed her in Citronella oil. Not a single new bites!!! But we had to soap her hard this morning to remove the sticky feeling!

Covered with Citronella oil from head to toes before going to our Christmas party!

I am lucky my friends and my friend's helper took Alia when I needed it the most, carried her while I was eating, played with her while I needed a break or a shower. And Alia was behaving most of the time! Lucky mommy!

She even charmed every single workers who were fixing my friend's bamboo wall every day. They all fell in love with her as she was crawling to the window to smile at them or follow them intrigued.

I am in awe in front of the single moms, even more than I used to be. What a hard job!

Blessed we are who have husbands or help at home! Who can pass our babies on for an hour to take a long shower or eat with our two hands!

Alia was already blessed with a couple of gifts from friends and work. But I did not open them yet. I will put them under our new Christmas tree! I will tell you this story in a couple of days!

At our "Mascarade" Christmas party!

I am beyond excitement to see Daddy Yo again tomorrow and I need rest. But if I have to spend another week alone with my little love, I will gladly do it  all over again!

The two of us are a good team!!

And she turns my world upside down

I used to have a lot of principles about how I will be as a mom:

• I will NOT co-sleep. Never! Too scary. Plus the beds are made for parents

• I will NOT breastfeed. I wasn't breastfed and I'm still alive! Plus, I want my freedom and I want the dad to have his share of the work.

• My kids will have their own room as soon as they are old enough to sleep through the night. 

• My kids will NEVER eat processed food as long as I can control it.

• I will keep traveling with them and make them discover the beauty of the world.

• Baby girls are boring. I will have a baby boy first.

So far, I can check two boxes out of six. The four others have been swept away the day I gave birth to Alia Florentina, 6 months ago.

First of all and obviously, I had a girl. And this is the best thing in the world!

We have a crib, nice crib, with the changing table and all. She used it three times in the past 6 months. 

She doesn't even have a room yet. 

She doesn't like to drink from a bottle as she is breastfeeding: it is my favorite part of being a mom and I'm even wondering what was I thinking when I thought I would want to be anywhere else than with my baby!

I was right about the two most important things of my list.

I love to prepare her food with fresh product and I will not give her something to eat if I could not eat it myself. Seeing her face as she discovers new tastes is priceless and I get to eat more healthy too (or at least I try. Or at least, it's in my future plans...)

She already took her first plane when she was two weeks old (from Manila where I gave birth to our home-island, Boracay) and at 6 months old, she already went to Malaysia, France and Switzerland.

I guess we are raising her to be a perfect little travel buddy.

But, this will be a topic for a future post!

I realize having a baby is nothing like you can imagine. It doesn't change who you are but it changes something deep inside you. 

You discover what love is. And pain, tiredness, patience... 

You grow.