"And though she be but little, she is fierce"

I grew up wanting to be a boy.

In the World we grow up in, we have this weird belief (and a part of it is true although completely unfair and unjustified) that if you are a man, you have more freedom, things are easier, you are more powerful, you can achieve much more, do whatever you want and be whoever you want to be.

Do not get me wrong, I was always a strong willed, stubborn, independent girl. But I wanted to be a boy. I thought it was much cooler to be a boy. A boy could do any sports, dress however he wanted..

A boy did not have to deal with periods, shaving hair, breast growing, boys constantly cat-calling you or insulting you for not giving them what they wanted. And they can pee standing up. How cool is that?

Then, I became a mother.

And I started learning the power of the women.

I think I actually became a feminist the day I gave birth to my first daughter.

I have learned much more about being a woman in the last 4 years of motherhood than in the past 30 years. I discovered our unbelievable and undying strength. I became more aware of women’s condition, I have opened up to the power and the gift of being a woman.

I believe I was always strong. But becoming a mother made me stronger in many ways.

Which, I have to say, may not be fun for my husband everyday.

Being married to an independent and strong woman may means that she will never take any of your bullshits. 

Well, I do not need my husband. I am with him because I want to be with him. Because I enjoy being with him and I love him.

But I do not need him in a dependent or clingy way.

I can travel by myself (and even alone with two toddlers). I am working and can earn a living. I can take decisions, pay my bills, cook, clean, paint the walls, drive my scooter, take opportunities, carry heavy stuff, use a hammer or handle the weekly budget of the household. 

Despite this, I still had my share of cat-calling, unwelcome hands on my butt, traumatising harassment etc. Lucky me, I was raised in a family that always been very open to talking, sharing and supporting. And a dad surrounded by sister, wife, daughters, nieces and grand-daughters all around.

Unfortunately, years pass and technology becomes more advanced but it looks like the condition of women is not. Social media make teenagers share way too much. It makes young girls feel like they have to prove something to earn attention from a boy. It feels like girls are trying to take each other down instead of raising each other up. That sex is coming before courting. If courting even exist anymore.

Movies and advertising made sex and violence look like it was normal daily thing in a life. Something you do to take power over someone or gain respect.

Rape became barely punishable. And we still are at the same point of thinking men are untouchable and girls could have avoided it.

Walking in a toy store or a clothes shop makes you realise girls are taught to be pretty and good housewives when boys are trained to be bold and adventurous. 

And it makes me feel scared, raising two girls in this World. 

And it makes me feel like I want to change things even harder.

And it makes me feel it will start with how I raise my girls.

And I am raising my daughters for them to always remember that a woman can do or be whatever she wants to. That she can think however she wants and that no one can look down on her because she is a woman.

Boys won’t be boys and girls are not supposed to be pretty and sweet. 

My girls are not sexy. My girls are children.

My girls can be superhero. They are mine already.

My girls can say no if they do not want to kiss you goodbye. 

My girls can climb trees and play cars.

My girls can be princesses without needing a prince.

My girls can love pink without having just this colour in their closet.

My girls can wear a two piece bikini one day and a board short the day after.

My girls can be pretty. But also smart, witty, funny, bold, fearless, loud, annoying, daredevil.

My girls can play dolls one minute and pirates the next one.

My girls do not have a boyfriend. They have friends that are boys.

My girls are not too fat nor too thin. They are strong and healthy.

My girls do not need to wear a dress to be beautiful. They will be beautiful because they are happy.

This two human being are teaching me so much  every single day.

About myself and what I should improve.

About the undying love and  unending strength a woman can hold in her.

About the strong meaning of what it is to be a woman.

So my girls will not grow up thinking it is ok a boy hits her as a way of showing his interest.

Nor they will grow up thinking their role is to be home.

Nor they will think they owe something to anyone.

Nor they will believe their only purpose is to make babies and make a man happy.

Nor they will think they have less worth than a man.

Nor they will learn how to use bullying or belittling someone in a way to gain friendship or coolness.

Nor they will wait for the Prince Charming to come along.

Our children may be wild at times but it is the price to pay to have strong adults when they are grown up. Some days are harder than others. 

Sometimes, doubt passes by in my mind. 

But in the end, I am following my heart and what I believe in.

I may be a pain in the ass for my husband at time, but it is all with a cause.

"Strong-willed children become adults who change the World as long as we can hang on for the ride and resist the temptation to "tame" the spirit out of them" Sarah Stogryn.

"And though she be but little, she is fierce", William Shakespeare.

“Home isn't a place, its a feeling”

“Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was.” 

― Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care


I am lucky.

I am lucky, because I have more than one place I can really call home.
I am lucky because I have people in many places I can call family.
I am lucky because I have friends, some since my tender childhood and some that came later in my life that never left my side, wherever we are in the World.
I am lucky I grew up in a beautiful countryside my children are able to experience every year.

Charles, my eldest friend and I, in my parent's garden.

When I moved to the Philippines, it was a natural move. I felt it was the next step I had to take. It was not hard, not heartbreaking, not challenging. Just natural.
I was not escaping a hard past, a relationship or a terrible country.
I was exploring and taking a step towards my independence and most importantly, I was making my own choice.
My parents raised us to be free to choose what we wanted to be (even though now, they may have doubts it was ever a good idea: it was, really).

Once I moved here, I never thought I could feel the need of coming back home.
I am happy here, I built my life here, grew my family here.
And even if I loved my country for the beauty of it, I left a country that was going through an economic crisis and where opportunities for people my age were not really great.

Playing at the park in France

I was never homesick. Just extremely happy to go home every year and enjoy great time with family and friends, amazing food and beautiful road trips. I was enjoying being a tourist in my birth country.

I felt like I had the best of both Worlds.
And I still do.

Once I gave birth to Alia though, things started to shift very slowly.
I rediscovered France with another eye.
I started feeling a pinch of homesickness every time I would think about something I used to do or eat at her age and how I wanted her to experience it.

Daddy Yo, Alia and Gaia in Anilao

The first two years of Alia's life, we kept going to France and visit only for a month. But when Daddy Yo went to work abroad for the first time, Alia and my pregnant self went to visit my parents. I was planning on staying a month but when complications with my pregnancy came, I had to extend another month. When it was time to go home, I realised it was the first time since I left my birth country that I stayed such a long period there. And on top of that, we did not travel around like the other years, we mainly stayed in the home I grew up in. It gave me a great amount of time to see friends and hang out with family.


When Daddy Yo went to work abroad for the second year, I thought: I really enjoyed being in France for two full months! Usually, we were only staying 4 weeks, travelled around for 2 full weeks and had very little time to see all the people we wanted to see. We would manage to squeeze in one dinner or lunch with every person we wanted to spend time with, which was not enough to really get to enjoy their presence and catch up with them.

So that second year, I decided to stay two months again. And the end of these two months came so quickly. Of course, it was awesome as we were going to visit Daddy Yo where he was working, so it was one more family adventure. But, all these trips and plane alone with two children wore me out. I went home exhausted and kept on being sick. Dengue virus was the last warning my body was giving me to make me understand I was tired and needed a little rest.

Playing in a wooden playground near a pond in France

This year, we took the decision to only go to France. No visit to Daddy Yo, which was a big and hard decision but a wiser one. And I asked my parents if they minded adopting me and the two girls for three long months. It felt amazing to be there. My mom was freshly retired so I had extra hands to help. My sister and I never had such a great bonding and she spent some great time with her two nieces. We got to spend so much time with my family and I got to spend much time with childhood friends, old and new friends. I even received, over a weekend, one of my very best friend who was visiting her in-laws from Australia. I have not seen her for 9 years and our children (who are the exact same age) met for the first time. They instantly became such amazing friends, it was heartwarming to see!


We had the opportunity to enroll Alia to kindergarden for the two last months of school year, so she could have activities and improve her french. Schools in France are free and mandatory so any child with a French citizenship is welcome anytime to join a new school. It has been a great experience for her! She is now speaking fluently in french to me, had a great time visiting the farm, playing with kids of the village where we live, getting to know the customs in France.

First day of school with warm clothes, new language, new classmates: Fun time!

School fair in Alia's school

I also spent some quality time with some very dear family members who are sick.
I may live on the beach and enjoy life where I am, but as an immigrant living far away from my own country, I am missing things out. This includes being present for your loved ones when they are going through hard time, sickness, problems, depression, or are just getting old. And it sometimes feels so heavy and challenging. I do sometimes feel like I am not fulfilling my role of friend, grand-daughter, cousin, niece...

 



We got to enjoy quality food, organic vegetables, good quality meat, amazing cheese. Food that I am not scared of putting in my daughter's body thinking of all the hidden antibiotics and GMO that might make them pubescent too early. Alia and Gaia took some poney lessons, rode the carousel endlessly, ran in the fields, went to the cinema to see beautiful indie children movies, visited a farm, baked with my sister, made a fire in the chimney when it was cold, jumped in the inflatable pool when it was hot, ran around and played with friends, mowed the lawn with their grand-dad, gardened and planted and watered flowers (and picked a lot on the way), played piano, learned how to behave in a restaurant, enjoyed food, food and more food, had a road trip in Switzerland to visit more family...

    

                                                        

I was also in France during a very painful time for all of us. Terror attacks.
The past ones that happened, I was in the Philippines. I felt lonely. It was just an awful event that had happened in the news for most people around me. And even if I could talk about it with Daddy Yo or a few other people, it kept on following me every second of the day for weeks.
It happened in my streets, to my friends, friends of my friends. I was far away. I could not hug them. I could not join the protests and the walks and reflect on what happened in the streets of the district I called home for 6 years in Paris.

A fire in the chimney to warm our hearts and soul

When the attacks happened on July 14th and a few days after again, it felt horrific and scary. But as weird as it sounds, I was surrounded by people who would talk about it and share my feelings. It did not drive me as crazy as the attacks of November and January 2015 because I could unload what I felt with people who felt the same way. I was there and I could share my pain. And my pain was lighter just by sharing it.

Yes, I have the best of both Worlds. And I want to keep it this way.
But it can also be challenging to jump from one World to another.
This is when you realise you can also be homesick for people.

The beautiful Eiffel Tower a few days after the attack in Nice, France.

Are we there yet?

"Each day of our lives, we make deposits in the memory banks of our children." Charles R. Swindoll

Playing in the park in Chartres

This past years have been challenging in many ways as Daddy Yo went to work abroad for the low season. It is the third summer I am spending alone with Alia and Gaia and of course, it is not a reason for us to stop the adventures! Last year, we went to visit my family in France then Daddy Yo in the USA. It was the first time for Gaia to go out of the Philippines, so it was quite an adventure for her! This year, we travelled to France and Switzerland. 

This is about me, the two girls, a big luggage, a couple of passport and too many airplanes.

Being a single parent is hard. I mean, you always have the perks of it: 

No one to fight over the movie to watch at night.

No one to fight over that last piece of chocolate or cheese after the children are gone to bed.

I am in charge of the menu, which means more healthy meals! (wink wink Daddy Yo!)

I am in charge of bedtime by myself, which means kids are going to sleep early and are not over excited and over stimulated right before sleeping (wink wink Daddy Yo!)

I am in charge of activities and daily schedule, which means I do not have a bad surprise when coming back from the shower seing kids painting on each other with textile paint.

Rolling down the hill

But it also can be overwhelming at time. And frustrating. Very frustrating.

I have very little break time. The kids are asking for my undivided attention at all time. Both of them. At the same time. Over different things.

One wants to breastfeed while the other one wants a cuddle. One wants to sit on my laps so the other one wants too. One is sick and needs me a lot more. The other one wants the same. One wants me to feed her, so I end up not eating with two children on my laps, feeding both of them.

Snack time!!!!!!!

And I am here in the middle. Pouring my love on them. Playing good cop, bad cop. Not having anyone who can step in and take over when I am ready to explode. And there are times when it gets to a point when I am craving to get my body back for an hour, a day. When no one will ask for me, touch me, grab me, climb on me, bite me, pull me, hang on my leg… It is a weird feeling when it seems your body doesn’t belong to you anymore. Not an single second of the day. 

Even at night :)

When Daddy Yo is here, we can share this. If one girl need me, he can take care of the other one. If I put one girl down for a nap, he will do something with the other one. They can share their needs between both of us. It seems a small, petty thing, but after 6 months of being more than their everything, it is hard for me. We may have a nanny but they don’t want them as they want their parents, of course. At least I am glad for that! They can still make the difference! 

I love them as much, maybe even more as the bonding is of every minute and we carry each other everyday. But It is also weary some days.

I first spent 3 months in France. And it never felt better being home than this year. 

The vibe, the choice of food from the market, the variety of activities for the kids. This year just felt good and I will get back to why it felt so good in the next post.

Poney ride in the countryside and around the lake.

While there, I had my parents and sister to share the attention of the kids with. And most important, my childhood friends, sister and parents to talk to at night. Once the girls were asleep, I would sneak out of the room and sit with my childhood friends and sister over a beer. Or sit on my parents bed and watch a movie or talk, talk and talk. After being a mother all day, it feels nice to feel like a child again, sometimes. Curled up on the foot of their bed. 

Sliding in Jardin du Luxembourg,
Paris

After we travelled back to Boracay, that was the hardest part to adjust to. Once the girls are asleep, it is me, myself and I. 

Long, silent evenings. 

No one to share the hard day I had with two sick children, or the homesickness of being back from my hometown, or the tantrums I had to deal with other than waiting for Daddy Yo to wake up over the computer and chat with him for a bit while he gets ready to work.

But it still is nothing, these challenges, compared to the gift and magic of having well travelled and adventurous children. 

To get to explore the World and our own limit with them, see their eyes get filled with excitement and slowly understand the World unfolding in front of them. 

To see them open their heart, their mind to so many different people and culture. And to never forget how it is to be a child. 

Because we all can. Just kneel down and look through their eyes. There is just love for us and amazing adventures awaiting.

A stroll in the French countryside under the rain.

If you travel with young children by yourself, talk to them, always. 

I kept on telling them: We are a team. It is us against the rest of the World. It is gonna be hard for me, this trip as the only adult. So you guys gonna have to help me. Check on each other, check on me as much as I will check on you. Never leave my side. Never leave your sister's side. Be patient as much as I will be. This is one long day and then, it will be over. Let's hold each other's hand and work through it as a team. 

And guess what? It works! Yes, kids are smart and sensitive enough to understand all of the challenges. They can adapt. They can be the best team mates you would ever imagine. Just give them the chance to be. You might be surprised! 

Now, Alia's favorite mantra is "Family hug! We are family! Gaia, it is you and me forever!". 

When they are not hitting each other, arguing over a toy or my attention, this is them, learning that sisterhood is above everything else.

Sister love in Baler, Philippines. Credit: Sabs Bengzon

Our World was finally complete

Being a mom of two is some hard work. And I have been busy at it for the past two years.
As one of my last post explained, this pregnancy has been nothing short of a rollercoaster of emotions. I think it was so overwhelming that I needed a break to process everything that happened and mostly to enjoy our healthy baby girl.

We also needed space to become a family of four. So we could allow Alia to find herself in this new configuration. And we had to learn how to become parents of two.

Now, I miss writing about them, life and things going through my mind.
I guess I have to start where I stopped almost two years ago.

Gaia Mayari was born on November 8, 2014 at 3:23am.

She came exactly a year after the Super Typhoon Yolanda hit the Philippines. And she came like a typhoon herself! Fast and painful!

Her first month celebration came on a typhoon day, no kidding..

I will always remember two month before I gave birth. A woman from Manila was in the Island to give some healing sessions and readings. I signed up. When she saw me coming, she did not know I was expecting a baby. She explained me she could not give me a healing session in my state as the emotions that will go through me might affect the baby. But since I was already there, she offered me a reading through cards, for the baby.

I never saw this woman in my life and she did not know me as well. And here she is, telling me my daughter will have a great connection to the Earth and the Moon. And that she is a healer and a Crystal child.

I knew about Rainbow and Indigo children but never really read much about Crystal ones.
But I was amazed as the name we chose for our second daughter was Gaia Mayari.

Gaia means Earth in the Greek mythology. Gaia is the Personnification of the Earth. She is ancestral mother of life.
Mayari, on another hand, is the Goddess of the Moon in the Filipino mythology.

I went home and read about Crystal children. The first characteristic that always came in everything I have read was their large eyes with a communicative and intense stare. The rest of the characteristic of the Crystal children, I would have to wait until she was more grown-up to check if it applied to her, I thought.

The day she was born, I could not stop looking at her immense eyes and her intense and very soothing stare. We were in for a great ride, I said!

It felt so much easier the second time around. I was already used to waking up at night all the time, I didn't take a long break from breastfeeding. It all came naturally.

But the challenges were different. Dealing with two children, giving space to the first one but taking time to bond with the second one.

Of course, there were days when I would put Alia and Gaia down for a nap, close my eyes 2 mins and wake up 2 hours later. Or those evenings when I put them to sleep, think about the movie I'm gonna watch once they are asleep and I wake up for the next feed of Gaia at midnight.

But luckily, Gaia is was an easy and quiet baby. Or maybe she surrendered, giving space to Alia while gathering enough energy to take the space she deserves!

I remember when Alia was born, I couldn't make the difference between days and nights. Each day was the same routine. Alia was feeding every hour and half or two. Plus she was a happy spitter! Puking at every feed because she didn't know how to stop eating! By the time I would feed her, she would puke then go back to sleep with a smile. Then, I would change her diaper and her clothes, change my clothes. Time to go back to sleep, she was awake an hour later to feed again.

With Gaia, it seemed so easy! Since she was born, she was sleeping for a span of 4 hours.
For a few weeks, she was even sleeping 7 hours straight at night. BLISS! Imagine me putting the girls to sleep and running downstairs to open a bottle of wine and a box of chocolate! BLISS I tell you!

Alia was so happy to have a sister. She was her property, her baby, her Gaia, her little sister.

She even scream at the pedia for touching Gaia without asking her first!

The big problem is when she was giggling so much and trying to lift her or squeeze her in a hug. Or pull her little legs to get her closer to her. Every day, we had to learn how to hold our breathe and she had to learn how to handle her very fragile baby sister.



 I used to be so scared to have a second baby. Scared not to be able to love her as much as I loved Alia. Scared not to be able to make a second baby as perfect and beautiful as Alia.


Now, I found out the heart of a mother expends in a magical way. It can hold so much love. When I look at Gaia, she's so perfect. The same way Alia was. Yet they are so different.

Motherhood can easily blow you away more than once it seems! It never gets old.

And my heart expands in a magical way

“Before I had my child, I thought I knew all the boundaries of myself, that I understood the limits of my heart. It’s extraordinary to have all those limits thrown out, to realize your love is inexhaustible.” — Uma Thurman


So, I'm 7 months and half in my second pregnancy now.
And that has been a crazy roller-coaster. I guess that's why I have been so private about it.

First of all, it was not planned. At least, not this year. So, at first, I literally freaked out thinking it was too early, not prepared. I was looking at Alia, thinking she was still so small.

Alia introducing her sister Gaia Mayari!

But thanks to my awesome husband who reassured me we will always find a way, i started seeing all the good sides of it: sure, most of my friends already have the second one, so it's nice if our second one is not too far apart. They will grow up together, like our first ones did.

Plus I always said I will have my two kids before 30 and I got pregnant the second time around on my 29th year. So, the universe remembered what I wanted.

And, yes, Alia and our second one won't be too far apart as well. So it's nice for them.

Plus, let's face it, i'll be done with pregnancy and diapers faster this way!

Yes, I always wanted two kids, maybe 2 years apart. But once I had Alia, I had this fear: how can you possibly love more than one human being so much, unconditionally, deeply? How can your heart get split in two?

Now, I understand. Your heart doesn't split. Your love for one doesn't shrink.
Your heart gets bigger. It expand. It grows.

After eight weeks of morning sickness, being on my knees in front of the toilets every single day, laying on my couch feeling nauseous every second of the day, not being able to smell or eat or move much, I went to France.

I got blessed that morning sickness stopped for a few days, allowing me to take my three planes without having to run to the toilets onboard. I was alone with Alia, on a night flight. That was my biggest worry. But everything went fine. We arrived in France: I had lost a few kilos and had a big deficit of iron. It made me look like a gothic teenager more than a blooming mother-to-be.

When finally, my appetite slowly came back, we found out I had Toxoplasmosis. This silly bacteria you get from cats, unwashed vegetable and fruits or uncooked meat. Silly because, if you are not pregnant, this bacteria is nothing. You get it, you probably won't even notice, you are immune, end of the story. But if you are pregnant, real damages can be passed onto your baby's brain and eyes.

In the Philippines, it's not a common thing. So, they don't test you for it. In Europe, it is. The test is mandatory in France when you are expecting.

Normally, if you get it while you are pregnant, they will give you antibiotics until the end of your pregnancy to protect your baby. In my case, we had no idea when I contracted it. Therefore, we didn't know the risks the baby could be contaminated already.

As a prevention, I started to take some antibiotics. And we ran some tests to date the bacteria. And I had to change our tickets and stay one more month in France.

There was three scenarios laying in front of me.
Either I had it before getting pregnant, and our baby was safe.
Or I had it just when I arrived in France, and I would continue my antibiotics treatments.
The third one kept me awaken a few nights. If I had it during my three first months and the baby's brain was contaminated, I could do a amnio-synthesis to check the baby. Then I could have an IRM made a few months later and see the damages on the baby's brain. In France, you can choose to have a medical abortion at any time, in the worst cases. Do I need to say more?

We spent a month waiting for all the results. A month away from Daddy-Yo, freaking out alone in Sri Lanka. A month not saying to Alia she may (or may not) have a little sister in a few months. A month of not knowing if my baby was ok.

Until the news came: I got the toxoplasmosis right before I got pregnant. Our daughter was safe.

We found a name for her, of course. Gaia Mayari. Gaia: Earth, City of Light. Mayari: Goddess of the Moon in the Tagalog Mythology. A strong name for a strong girl.

Now, Daddy-Yo is still working in Sri-Lanka, missing his girls as much as we miss him. We got to see him for ten days for my 30th birthday. That was heaven!

Small celebration with Island family

Being by myself, pregnant and caring for a 2 and a half year-old is a roller-coaster.

It taught me I am strong. It taught me I am weak. It taught me I always need to improve my patience. It taught me that my daughter, Alia, is an amazing human being. Even more than I thought she was (and I thought she was pretty damn amazing already, believe me!)

She was the one stroking my hair and cheek while I was vomiting in the toilets. She was the one bringing water to me. She is the one asking if my tummy is "ouchy" and if "baby inside" is ok. She is the one hugging me out of nowhere while we are eating dinner. And kissing me in the morning to wake me up. And sleeping on my shoulder at night.

Very soon, Daddy Yo will be home and we will be a family again. Actually we never stopped being one. Being away from him so long taught me that when you find the one, even though you fight and argue sometimes, distance only makes you stronger.

For you, the woman who does not want to have children

During a nice sunset session with dear friends, we started sharing about this subject as one of us was in that case. She is the woman who doesn't plan on having kids. No yet after the sentence. It is just not in her plan. Nor the one of her longtime boyfriend.

I really wanted to write about the subject until I tumbled upon that read. 

And I had to share it instead, as I won't be able to tell it better than her.

To The Women Who Choose Not To Have Kids


DEC. 21, 2013 By ABBY ROSMARIN

To the women who choose not to have kids, I have one thing to say: thank you.

You probably don’t hear it enough. In fact, you probably don’t hear it at all. What you do hear is an array of pro-childbearing responses, such as, “You’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Doesn’t your mother want grandkids?” or, “You’ll never find a husband if you never want to have kids.”


All things considered, “thank you” is probably on the opposite end of what you hear.


But seriously: thank you. Thank you for recognizing that childrearing isn’t for you and being true to who you are. It doesn’t mean you hate kids. It just means that raising one is not part of your path in life.

Thank you for not succumbing to the societal pressures. I’ve known far too many parents who had kids because that’s what was expected of them. Working in childcare, you see more of this type than you wish to see. The resentment is almost palpable. They love their children — at least, they have no choice but to love their children — but every single movement seems to scream, “I wasn’t meant for this.” I’ve known too many people who grew up with at least one parent who harbored that resentment, who let that resentment dictate how they parented. I’ve seen how that influenced the way these former children are now as adults, or even as parents themselves.

Thank you for not trying to compromise who you are in an effort to keep a partner around. Thank you for being honest and open and refusing to apologize for who you are. Everyone has different values. Everyone wants something different in life. It takes a lot of guts and confidence to say, “This is what I want in life. It’s not the orthodox way, but it’s my way.”

Thank you for not trying to silence that feeling in your gut as a means to validate your life. There are too many people in this world who cannot figure out their path — or have stumbled while walking down said path — and decided that maybe having a child could provide that meaning and definition instead. You understand that down this path lies vicarious living and hurt emotions and you recognize that there are so many other ways to find love and meaning and joy in your life.

Raising children is a difficult, onerous, frustrating, and disappointing gig. It’s tough enough for those who want it. It is a rewarding and loving gig as well, but it’s not something one should go into while focusing only on reward and love and societal acceptance. In this day and age, with a booming population in almost every country, it makes no sense to pressure every person to have a baby. But we’re sticklers to tradition, ritualistic to a fault.

So thank you. It’s not easy to stand firm with your belief. Honestly, truly, and genuinely: thank you. 

You can read her post, following this link :


http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2013/12/to-the-women-who-choose-not-to-have-kids/

Now, enjoy this time to travel, love and life your way.

One glass of wine + one glass of wine makes 5 bottles of wine!

Last night, we had a mommies night out.

Being a mom is tiring and turns your life upside down. Some subjects are supposed to be taboo. 

Moms are not supposed to complain about their kids.

Sex life is supposed to start again normally 6 weeks after delivery.

Doubts are not allowed.

And many more...

And suddenly, in a small wine bar in this small island in the middle of the Philippines, 7 women are sharing real life stories, without shame.

We were planning to meet at 9 and be home by 11, after a nice glass or two of red wine.
Who knew we all needed this so much??
It ended up being one of the latest, funniest and greatest night I had in a very long time.

I can't disclose anything that was said during that night as sensible souls could read this and not believe we are actually responsible and sane mothers of one or two children.

I can only say how blessed I am to be part of such a group.
And how grateful I am for the honesty that all of us brought to this table last night.

Between our raw talks about sex, fun stories about our partners, crazy stories about kids and shared doubts about future, the waitresses were amused, puzzled and had a blast also, I believe.

What I love with this amazing group of friends I have?
Sharing is easy. No judgement.
Once you open up, you realize we are all the same. We are not crazy, we are moms!
All of us went through the same things. Sometimes, we are shy to talk about it thinking we are alone. But once you hear the stories of other moms, you feel comforted and you start being able to laugh about it.

I remember when I was a teenager, my mom didn't want to join the "all girls lunch" organized by some friends as she knew it was an opportunity for them to bitch about their husbands and complain. And she didn't like that.

I love the fact that our mommies night out are not made for criticizing the Daddies. It's about sharing funny stories, fights, doubts but always with love and respect for them.

We ended up going home at 1:30 in the morning, tipsy, happy, laughing in the streets after 5 bottles of wine, a huge cheese plater and a lot of love shared.

Funny fact was that the Daddies were calling us to come home because of babies awaken and out of worry: It's unusually late for this girls. How come they are still out there in the middle of the night?
Boys, if you only knew...

Mondays moms are totally on!

Thank you mommies for being here, honest, fun, raw. Thank you for being part of this amazing group!

Brownout means family time on the beach!

Once more, we don’t have a nanny anymore.

But since there is less wind so less work for Daddy Yo, it has been manageable. 

I started again training with my Dragon Boat team and we are getting ready for the competition at the end of the month. Daddy Yo is bonding with Alia every morning from her wake up time until I go home from the training around 9 :30. Sometimes, they surprise me on the beach and we go for a swim or a breakfast before going back home.

This summer is so hot, it’s quite hard being outside too long during the day.

Even in front of the fan, there are days when we are sweating just by blinking.

Yesterday was one of these days.

While Daddy Yo was resting, Alia and I hit the beach early morning and met some friends of us for a coffee. Kids were running on the beach and mommies were sipping on coconut juices. Perfect !

We went back home on time for lunch and before the heat hours.

Afternoon was spent playing and taking several quick showers trying to refresh a bit.

Around 4 :30pm : brownout. Yes, brownout, on top of this heat !

Daddy Yo had a jamming for a summer event on the beach and by 7pm, I would be alone at home with Alia. I like being alone from time to time in the evenings. I watch a french movie, surf the web and sleep early.

But with the heat and no power at home, that was another story. Alia was cranky because she was sweating and I could not imagine myself running after  and following her with a flashlight  around the house or using a fan to ventilate her until the power will be back.

I remember the time before Alia. Anytime there was a brownout, Daddy Yo and I would run to the beach and party or swim until the power was back. So what stopped us to do the same with Alia now?

We decided that, if by 7pm, the power was not back, we would accompagny Daddy Yo at his event, eat dinner on the beach with him and friends then go home when the power would be back again.

As we left the house, the breeze hit us.

Once in the tricycle, we picked up some of the bandmates of Daddy Yo and the drums then took the back road of the island. As we passed by the small street, we could see everybody hanging out with the neighbors, carrying the kids and babies, talking, seating, walking outside.

And that reminded me this is one of the reason why I fell in love with Boracay and the Philippines.

People will not stay home, complaining about the heat and the lack of power. They will just open their door and find another reason to hang out with their friends and family.

Just because of a brownout, my evening turned out  to be perfect. Alia got to dance to her daddy playing drums, I got to eat yummy morrocan food and spend time with friends and by 9pm, we were home with everything back to normal.

Alia did not sleep early like usual but she was happy and more relaxed in the breeze on the beach than under the heat at home.

And her eyes when she saw her dad jamming! It was priceless!!

Beauty and happiness is everywhere with positive thoughts!

Letter to Alia

My dearest daughter,

Today, you are one year old.

While you are sound asleep, I want to write you a few words so you can read it later.

A year ago, your tatay and I were welcoming you in our arms, in our life and in our hearts. Since then, there is not one day that passed without you making me smile. Even through pain, tears, doubts and arguments.

You truly are a gift to me!

Being a mom is such a powerful experience. It’s overwhelming, beautiful, painful, fun, scary, magic, intense…

Being your mom is priceless! I will never be able to thank the universe enough for choosing me to birth you and hold your hand to enter in this World.

This year has been the most intense of my life.

Being a parent is not just about you, my love.

It’s about redefining myself and my life. What are my priorities, my new goals, my daily life.

It’s about remembering how it felt to be a child so I can always understand you.

And looking at the way your dad and I were raised. Bring the values our parents tought us and add a twist of what we believe in.

It’s being scared of making a mistake but still doing it because we believe it’s for your best.

It’s about accepting who you are and watching you grow the way you want to.

And it’s about finding our place in this new dynamic as a couple for your dad and I.

Meeting in between, making compromise. Make time for each other.

It has been hard. Some days, I felt like giving up.

But at the end, your dad and I love each other more than all this obstacles.

And you are our glue!

Laughter made us going through this year.

Hearing your laught when discovering everything.

And us, being able to laugh at each other and together.

Laugh is the best remedy, my love. The only medicine in life.

And I am grateful for this year that has been filled with laughter and love.

When I hear you calling me « maman », my heart is swealing, ready to explose with joy and love. When you hug me and kiss me, feed from me and play with my mouth with your little hand, laugh out loud and dance, jump on us to say good morning, I sometimes feel like crying.

That’s how powerful it is. That’s how huge my love is for you. That’s how overwhelming and beautiful it is to know you are made out of a little of your dad and a little of me.

If sometimes, I loose my patience, I apologize. I can be weak when I am tired. And everyday, I am reminding myself this is not the way I want to be with you.

Sometimes, I am a bit harder with you. But it’s to protect you from something that can be dangerous for you. It’s out of fear to see you harm and not against you.

I want to give you a happy life. Filled with love and fun.

            I want you to experience things by yourself. Get hurt and know I will always be here

            to listen to and advise you. Because, this is the way you will learn and grow.

I want you to travel a lot and be exposed to different cultures and places because that will be your most valuable lesson in life.

I want you to be confident. You are loved! You are a beautiful soul. You are a happy spirit.

Never try to impress people. Always be who you are.

Always believe in yourself. And if you don’t, I will be here to believe twice as much.

This is how much I love you.

Because you are the light in my life. And the reason why I smile everyday.

Happy birthday, my love.

Alia, cuddling her new Rocking Horse

A message from your Tatay:

Alia, you keep me alive.

The way you show me your love melt my heart.

You truly are the life and love between your mom and me.

Keep it up! Ahoooo!

Love, Tatay.