Are we there yet?

"Each day of our lives, we make deposits in the memory banks of our children." Charles R. Swindoll

Playing in the park in Chartres

This past years have been challenging in many ways as Daddy Yo went to work abroad for the low season. It is the third summer I am spending alone with Alia and Gaia and of course, it is not a reason for us to stop the adventures! Last year, we went to visit my family in France then Daddy Yo in the USA. It was the first time for Gaia to go out of the Philippines, so it was quite an adventure for her! This year, we travelled to France and Switzerland. 

This is about me, the two girls, a big luggage, a couple of passport and too many airplanes.

Being a single parent is hard. I mean, you always have the perks of it: 

No one to fight over the movie to watch at night.

No one to fight over that last piece of chocolate or cheese after the children are gone to bed.

I am in charge of the menu, which means more healthy meals! (wink wink Daddy Yo!)

I am in charge of bedtime by myself, which means kids are going to sleep early and are not over excited and over stimulated right before sleeping (wink wink Daddy Yo!)

I am in charge of activities and daily schedule, which means I do not have a bad surprise when coming back from the shower seing kids painting on each other with textile paint.

Rolling down the hill

But it also can be overwhelming at time. And frustrating. Very frustrating.

I have very little break time. The kids are asking for my undivided attention at all time. Both of them. At the same time. Over different things.

One wants to breastfeed while the other one wants a cuddle. One wants to sit on my laps so the other one wants too. One is sick and needs me a lot more. The other one wants the same. One wants me to feed her, so I end up not eating with two children on my laps, feeding both of them.

Snack time!!!!!!!

And I am here in the middle. Pouring my love on them. Playing good cop, bad cop. Not having anyone who can step in and take over when I am ready to explode. And there are times when it gets to a point when I am craving to get my body back for an hour, a day. When no one will ask for me, touch me, grab me, climb on me, bite me, pull me, hang on my leg… It is a weird feeling when it seems your body doesn’t belong to you anymore. Not an single second of the day. 

Even at night :)

When Daddy Yo is here, we can share this. If one girl need me, he can take care of the other one. If I put one girl down for a nap, he will do something with the other one. They can share their needs between both of us. It seems a small, petty thing, but after 6 months of being more than their everything, it is hard for me. We may have a nanny but they don’t want them as they want their parents, of course. At least I am glad for that! They can still make the difference! 

I love them as much, maybe even more as the bonding is of every minute and we carry each other everyday. But It is also weary some days.

I first spent 3 months in France. And it never felt better being home than this year. 

The vibe, the choice of food from the market, the variety of activities for the kids. This year just felt good and I will get back to why it felt so good in the next post.

Poney ride in the countryside and around the lake.

While there, I had my parents and sister to share the attention of the kids with. And most important, my childhood friends, sister and parents to talk to at night. Once the girls were asleep, I would sneak out of the room and sit with my childhood friends and sister over a beer. Or sit on my parents bed and watch a movie or talk, talk and talk. After being a mother all day, it feels nice to feel like a child again, sometimes. Curled up on the foot of their bed. 

Sliding in Jardin du Luxembourg,
Paris

After we travelled back to Boracay, that was the hardest part to adjust to. Once the girls are asleep, it is me, myself and I. 

Long, silent evenings. 

No one to share the hard day I had with two sick children, or the homesickness of being back from my hometown, or the tantrums I had to deal with other than waiting for Daddy Yo to wake up over the computer and chat with him for a bit while he gets ready to work.

But it still is nothing, these challenges, compared to the gift and magic of having well travelled and adventurous children. 

To get to explore the World and our own limit with them, see their eyes get filled with excitement and slowly understand the World unfolding in front of them. 

To see them open their heart, their mind to so many different people and culture. And to never forget how it is to be a child. 

Because we all can. Just kneel down and look through their eyes. There is just love for us and amazing adventures awaiting.

A stroll in the French countryside under the rain.

If you travel with young children by yourself, talk to them, always. 

I kept on telling them: We are a team. It is us against the rest of the World. It is gonna be hard for me, this trip as the only adult. So you guys gonna have to help me. Check on each other, check on me as much as I will check on you. Never leave my side. Never leave your sister's side. Be patient as much as I will be. This is one long day and then, it will be over. Let's hold each other's hand and work through it as a team. 

And guess what? It works! Yes, kids are smart and sensitive enough to understand all of the challenges. They can adapt. They can be the best team mates you would ever imagine. Just give them the chance to be. You might be surprised! 

Now, Alia's favorite mantra is "Family hug! We are family! Gaia, it is you and me forever!". 

When they are not hitting each other, arguing over a toy or my attention, this is them, learning that sisterhood is above everything else.

Sister love in Baler, Philippines. Credit: Sabs Bengzon

One glass of wine + one glass of wine makes 5 bottles of wine!

Last night, we had a mommies night out.

Being a mom is tiring and turns your life upside down. Some subjects are supposed to be taboo. 

Moms are not supposed to complain about their kids.

Sex life is supposed to start again normally 6 weeks after delivery.

Doubts are not allowed.

And many more...

And suddenly, in a small wine bar in this small island in the middle of the Philippines, 7 women are sharing real life stories, without shame.

We were planning to meet at 9 and be home by 11, after a nice glass or two of red wine.
Who knew we all needed this so much??
It ended up being one of the latest, funniest and greatest night I had in a very long time.

I can't disclose anything that was said during that night as sensible souls could read this and not believe we are actually responsible and sane mothers of one or two children.

I can only say how blessed I am to be part of such a group.
And how grateful I am for the honesty that all of us brought to this table last night.

Between our raw talks about sex, fun stories about our partners, crazy stories about kids and shared doubts about future, the waitresses were amused, puzzled and had a blast also, I believe.

What I love with this amazing group of friends I have?
Sharing is easy. No judgement.
Once you open up, you realize we are all the same. We are not crazy, we are moms!
All of us went through the same things. Sometimes, we are shy to talk about it thinking we are alone. But once you hear the stories of other moms, you feel comforted and you start being able to laugh about it.

I remember when I was a teenager, my mom didn't want to join the "all girls lunch" organized by some friends as she knew it was an opportunity for them to bitch about their husbands and complain. And she didn't like that.

I love the fact that our mommies night out are not made for criticizing the Daddies. It's about sharing funny stories, fights, doubts but always with love and respect for them.

We ended up going home at 1:30 in the morning, tipsy, happy, laughing in the streets after 5 bottles of wine, a huge cheese plater and a lot of love shared.

Funny fact was that the Daddies were calling us to come home because of babies awaken and out of worry: It's unusually late for this girls. How come they are still out there in the middle of the night?
Boys, if you only knew...

Mondays moms are totally on!

Thank you mommies for being here, honest, fun, raw. Thank you for being part of this amazing group!

Haters will hate and I will still believe

Last night, I received an email from this classmate of mine when I was studying Mass Communication in Paris. It made my day.

To make it short, he told me it was quite weird for him to write this message but seeing what was happening to me, he felt he had to. He went on with the fact he was part of the people who didn’t believe me when I said I was moving to this tiny island in the Philippines, refering to himslef as a slanderous Parisian.

He said that after all, he’ve got to admit I’m holding on what I said and he’s really happy about it.

He congratulated me for my recent wedding and my beautiful daugther.

Photography courtesy of Denise Tolentino

Yes, people criticized me. I didn’t care.

They bad-mouthed my choices. I didn’t listen to them.

I believed in myself and my dreams were louder than all the malicious mind around me.

They were waiting for me to fall. They were waiting for me to fail and come back to France. They were expecting me to fit in where I was supposed to be.

Guess what? I was supposed to be where I am now! And I am staying right here, chin up, stronger everyday.

Now people back in France will know when I say something, I do it.

If I have a dream, I will want it so hard I will end up getting it. With time, work and a push from the Universe.

Don’t ever let people choose for you, intimidate you, make you change your mind.

Follow your heart. Shake your mind. Walk in the untouched path.

I let people hate, talk and slander me.

Because I knew what I was capable of.

I am not the one who will live with regrets.

Hater will always hate..

I don’t want to be one of them.

I will keep living my life and loving it wherever it brings me.

If ever people are waiting for you to fail, it’s only for them to fell better themselves.

Never take it as a failure but as an experience that will make you grow and bring you to the right path. The path that was made for you.

Photography courtesy of Denise Tolentino

"Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

From a mother to another

A few months ago, I was training on the beach with my Dragon Boat team. Our meeting point was right next to the land where the Ati were asked (or forced) to move and build their new village.

Everyday, I could see all their kids playing on the beach, running in the water, building little boats and fishes out of plywood and pulling them happily in the water with a nylon string.

I could see moms breastfeeding their babies. Carrying their child close to them, wrapping them around, wearing them. Attachment parenting is not in the education. It's in the blood.

I saw moms and kids. Like me and Alia. Like any mom and her child in the World.

For those who wonder who the Ati people are, they are the "aboriginals". The first inhabitants of the Visayas archipelago. They have their own language, kept some religious practices of their own and face discrimination. Not to mention their original territory in Boracay is becoming smaller and smaller and smaller every time someone has the opportunity to invest where they used to live freely.

What does not help the Ati community of Boracay is the large number of Ati coming from other places. They invade the sand street of White Beach, beg for money and let very young children sleeping on the floor. Sometimes with babies in their arms or at their feet.

Heartbreaking.

Heartbreaking to see this.

And heartbreaking to know one of the cause of their discrimination is the fact that a lot of people think the Ati Community of Boracay mistreat their children, don’t take care of the youngest and let them beg.

But the Ati community of Boracay is very different. They would like to be a part of our World, our lives.

A few days ago, we were talking with a couple of moms. We want to help them.

Bring them clothes for the kids, clothes diapers for their babies.

Teach them why this is so important to keep a basic hygiene with the babies so diseases will spread less.

And help them having the means to do so.

I talked to Susanne, a wonderful woman who lives in Boracay for many years. She’s doing everything she can to help their Community already. She loved the idea. I messaged many moms around me and so far, I have only amazing feedbacks.

When we will all be set, we will organize a meeting with the Ati moms.

The Boracay Baby Boomers meet the Ati moms.

From mothers to mothers.

Our group is boiling with good intention and ideas : workshops, food sharing, play dates…

I love it and I’m feeling so excited about it !

For the filipino kids in Boracay today, being surrounded by foreigners and mixed kids is normal.

I dream of a future where our kids will not see the Ati kids as a Community apart and discriminated. I wish they will go to school all together, play on the beach and exchange stories. I wish our kids will not make any difference between them and the Ati kids.

I wish...

Let’s work on it !!!

We talked so much about you!

Before Alia came into our lives, we were "party people", travelling, doing sports, living on the beach. When we talked about having a baby, we wanted to be sure we were in synch with what it involved and how we wanted to bring her to the World.

I saw couples who never talked about this things falling apart and fighting about main aspect of education.

I am French. Jewish mom, Catholic dad. My parents raised us in the Jewish culture (and a little bit of religion but not much). I was going to the Synagogue for the main celebrations once a year (twice exceptionnally) when we were not late or skipping it. I stepped in a Church a couple of time for a masse or funerals and weddings but most of the time, I’ve been visiting them as beautiful landmarks.

I travelled in many places around the world since I was 2 years old and I left my parents house to live and study in Paris at 18. I was raised in the countryside and went to school in a public school in a small city and spent my week ends listening to Reggae concerts. I’ve studied Art and Communication, spent an unmesurable nombre of hours in the museum and spent all my week-end partying in my place with friends or drinking Chablis in a small bistrot where Brass band and Jazz band were playing.

Daddy Yo is Filipino. Raised Catholic, altar boy in his young years, born and raised in the Big City of Manila. His grand-dad was in the military and he spent most of his holidays in his farm, learning from him. He spent years playing frisbee and climbing mountains, was a regular in all reggae concerts around his University while drinking beer, lived in his parents place until 28 years-old with four generation in the same house and studied tourism. 

English is both our second language. Boracay became our Home the same year. We had to find a balance to mix all our differences and make our own little blend.

We talked about our  Education. What were the values that were important for both of us? Respect, Family, Tolerance, Communication, Conviviality, Education, Openmindness were part of this Values that are important for us.

We talked about our background. To understand where we were coming from. What our families went through.

We talked about religion. What was important for us. What we were believing in. We learned from each other.

I was living in his country. He came with me to mine. To understand where I grew up, who made me who I am. Went to all the places I used to go as a kid, met my family, friends and neighbors.

Paris, 2010

We learned each other’s cultures, what was taboo in his was not in mine. What was ok in Philippines was not where I grew up (and vice versa). We learned the rules and the customs.

I went to church with him at 5 am for Christmas. It was magic. He watched so many french movies he ended up loving so much. He read « Le petit Prince » (The Little Prince) and made me read « Noli Me Tangere » (The book of their national Hero, Jose Rizal). He's listening to Gainsbourg and I love Freddie Aguilar and Brown Man Revival.

We talked about where I will give birth. What was easier for us? Best for him? Fair for our couple? We decided Manila was the best: It was safe as their hospital are very good. Easy for him to still work in Boracay while I am there waiting for our baby. We could go there at the last moment (and not months ahead as if we'd decide to go back to France). Plus he would need a long visa to stay several months in France. My parents could come more easily in the Philippines than his parents in France.

We talked about religion. How will we bring our kids up? We decided to give her a bit of both. We’ll teach her there are different minds. She will be baptised as it is important for him. I will let him bring her to the church and teach her what he believes in. I will talk to her about my believes also. She might have her own believes one day. We want her openminded.

We talked about our options for school and studies.

About marriage. I did not want a church wedding. He agreed on a civil one.

We talked about what language was important for her to learn. I speak to her in French, Daddy Yo in Tagalog and English is the language she hears all around us. Our helper Ate Jen even speaks to her in Visayan. We want her international.

He respected the fact that I was thinking of bottle feed her. He supported me all the way when I decided to breastfeed.
He respected my choice of not co-sleeping and even bought the crib. But he followed me when I decided to give it a try.

Now Alia is with us, I believe our open talks made a difference. It made it easier for us as we know what to expect in the big lines.

Of course, we will still spend hours talking about the little things when they will come up.

But we know we will stick together when it comes to the main decisions. 

Because we are in together, for the long run. And we are in as a family. Not against each other.

As Anthony Robbins was telling it too well, "To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others."