“Home isn't a place, its a feeling”

“Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was.” 

― Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care


I am lucky.

I am lucky, because I have more than one place I can really call home.
I am lucky because I have people in many places I can call family.
I am lucky because I have friends, some since my tender childhood and some that came later in my life that never left my side, wherever we are in the World.
I am lucky I grew up in a beautiful countryside my children are able to experience every year.

Charles, my eldest friend and I, in my parent's garden.

When I moved to the Philippines, it was a natural move. I felt it was the next step I had to take. It was not hard, not heartbreaking, not challenging. Just natural.
I was not escaping a hard past, a relationship or a terrible country.
I was exploring and taking a step towards my independence and most importantly, I was making my own choice.
My parents raised us to be free to choose what we wanted to be (even though now, they may have doubts it was ever a good idea: it was, really).

Once I moved here, I never thought I could feel the need of coming back home.
I am happy here, I built my life here, grew my family here.
And even if I loved my country for the beauty of it, I left a country that was going through an economic crisis and where opportunities for people my age were not really great.

Playing at the park in France

I was never homesick. Just extremely happy to go home every year and enjoy great time with family and friends, amazing food and beautiful road trips. I was enjoying being a tourist in my birth country.

I felt like I had the best of both Worlds.
And I still do.

Once I gave birth to Alia though, things started to shift very slowly.
I rediscovered France with another eye.
I started feeling a pinch of homesickness every time I would think about something I used to do or eat at her age and how I wanted her to experience it.

Daddy Yo, Alia and Gaia in Anilao

The first two years of Alia's life, we kept going to France and visit only for a month. But when Daddy Yo went to work abroad for the first time, Alia and my pregnant self went to visit my parents. I was planning on staying a month but when complications with my pregnancy came, I had to extend another month. When it was time to go home, I realised it was the first time since I left my birth country that I stayed such a long period there. And on top of that, we did not travel around like the other years, we mainly stayed in the home I grew up in. It gave me a great amount of time to see friends and hang out with family.


When Daddy Yo went to work abroad for the second year, I thought: I really enjoyed being in France for two full months! Usually, we were only staying 4 weeks, travelled around for 2 full weeks and had very little time to see all the people we wanted to see. We would manage to squeeze in one dinner or lunch with every person we wanted to spend time with, which was not enough to really get to enjoy their presence and catch up with them.

So that second year, I decided to stay two months again. And the end of these two months came so quickly. Of course, it was awesome as we were going to visit Daddy Yo where he was working, so it was one more family adventure. But, all these trips and plane alone with two children wore me out. I went home exhausted and kept on being sick. Dengue virus was the last warning my body was giving me to make me understand I was tired and needed a little rest.

Playing in a wooden playground near a pond in France

This year, we took the decision to only go to France. No visit to Daddy Yo, which was a big and hard decision but a wiser one. And I asked my parents if they minded adopting me and the two girls for three long months. It felt amazing to be there. My mom was freshly retired so I had extra hands to help. My sister and I never had such a great bonding and she spent some great time with her two nieces. We got to spend so much time with my family and I got to spend much time with childhood friends, old and new friends. I even received, over a weekend, one of my very best friend who was visiting her in-laws from Australia. I have not seen her for 9 years and our children (who are the exact same age) met for the first time. They instantly became such amazing friends, it was heartwarming to see!


We had the opportunity to enroll Alia to kindergarden for the two last months of school year, so she could have activities and improve her french. Schools in France are free and mandatory so any child with a French citizenship is welcome anytime to join a new school. It has been a great experience for her! She is now speaking fluently in french to me, had a great time visiting the farm, playing with kids of the village where we live, getting to know the customs in France.

First day of school with warm clothes, new language, new classmates: Fun time!

School fair in Alia's school

I also spent some quality time with some very dear family members who are sick.
I may live on the beach and enjoy life where I am, but as an immigrant living far away from my own country, I am missing things out. This includes being present for your loved ones when they are going through hard time, sickness, problems, depression, or are just getting old. And it sometimes feels so heavy and challenging. I do sometimes feel like I am not fulfilling my role of friend, grand-daughter, cousin, niece...

 



We got to enjoy quality food, organic vegetables, good quality meat, amazing cheese. Food that I am not scared of putting in my daughter's body thinking of all the hidden antibiotics and GMO that might make them pubescent too early. Alia and Gaia took some poney lessons, rode the carousel endlessly, ran in the fields, went to the cinema to see beautiful indie children movies, visited a farm, baked with my sister, made a fire in the chimney when it was cold, jumped in the inflatable pool when it was hot, ran around and played with friends, mowed the lawn with their grand-dad, gardened and planted and watered flowers (and picked a lot on the way), played piano, learned how to behave in a restaurant, enjoyed food, food and more food, had a road trip in Switzerland to visit more family...

    

                                                        

I was also in France during a very painful time for all of us. Terror attacks.
The past ones that happened, I was in the Philippines. I felt lonely. It was just an awful event that had happened in the news for most people around me. And even if I could talk about it with Daddy Yo or a few other people, it kept on following me every second of the day for weeks.
It happened in my streets, to my friends, friends of my friends. I was far away. I could not hug them. I could not join the protests and the walks and reflect on what happened in the streets of the district I called home for 6 years in Paris.

A fire in the chimney to warm our hearts and soul

When the attacks happened on July 14th and a few days after again, it felt horrific and scary. But as weird as it sounds, I was surrounded by people who would talk about it and share my feelings. It did not drive me as crazy as the attacks of November and January 2015 because I could unload what I felt with people who felt the same way. I was there and I could share my pain. And my pain was lighter just by sharing it.

Yes, I have the best of both Worlds. And I want to keep it this way.
But it can also be challenging to jump from one World to another.
This is when you realise you can also be homesick for people.

The beautiful Eiffel Tower a few days after the attack in Nice, France.

Are we there yet?

"Each day of our lives, we make deposits in the memory banks of our children." Charles R. Swindoll

Playing in the park in Chartres

This past years have been challenging in many ways as Daddy Yo went to work abroad for the low season. It is the third summer I am spending alone with Alia and Gaia and of course, it is not a reason for us to stop the adventures! Last year, we went to visit my family in France then Daddy Yo in the USA. It was the first time for Gaia to go out of the Philippines, so it was quite an adventure for her! This year, we travelled to France and Switzerland. 

This is about me, the two girls, a big luggage, a couple of passport and too many airplanes.

Being a single parent is hard. I mean, you always have the perks of it: 

No one to fight over the movie to watch at night.

No one to fight over that last piece of chocolate or cheese after the children are gone to bed.

I am in charge of the menu, which means more healthy meals! (wink wink Daddy Yo!)

I am in charge of bedtime by myself, which means kids are going to sleep early and are not over excited and over stimulated right before sleeping (wink wink Daddy Yo!)

I am in charge of activities and daily schedule, which means I do not have a bad surprise when coming back from the shower seing kids painting on each other with textile paint.

Rolling down the hill

But it also can be overwhelming at time. And frustrating. Very frustrating.

I have very little break time. The kids are asking for my undivided attention at all time. Both of them. At the same time. Over different things.

One wants to breastfeed while the other one wants a cuddle. One wants to sit on my laps so the other one wants too. One is sick and needs me a lot more. The other one wants the same. One wants me to feed her, so I end up not eating with two children on my laps, feeding both of them.

Snack time!!!!!!!

And I am here in the middle. Pouring my love on them. Playing good cop, bad cop. Not having anyone who can step in and take over when I am ready to explode. And there are times when it gets to a point when I am craving to get my body back for an hour, a day. When no one will ask for me, touch me, grab me, climb on me, bite me, pull me, hang on my leg… It is a weird feeling when it seems your body doesn’t belong to you anymore. Not an single second of the day. 

Even at night :)

When Daddy Yo is here, we can share this. If one girl need me, he can take care of the other one. If I put one girl down for a nap, he will do something with the other one. They can share their needs between both of us. It seems a small, petty thing, but after 6 months of being more than their everything, it is hard for me. We may have a nanny but they don’t want them as they want their parents, of course. At least I am glad for that! They can still make the difference! 

I love them as much, maybe even more as the bonding is of every minute and we carry each other everyday. But It is also weary some days.

I first spent 3 months in France. And it never felt better being home than this year. 

The vibe, the choice of food from the market, the variety of activities for the kids. This year just felt good and I will get back to why it felt so good in the next post.

Poney ride in the countryside and around the lake.

While there, I had my parents and sister to share the attention of the kids with. And most important, my childhood friends, sister and parents to talk to at night. Once the girls were asleep, I would sneak out of the room and sit with my childhood friends and sister over a beer. Or sit on my parents bed and watch a movie or talk, talk and talk. After being a mother all day, it feels nice to feel like a child again, sometimes. Curled up on the foot of their bed. 

Sliding in Jardin du Luxembourg,
Paris

After we travelled back to Boracay, that was the hardest part to adjust to. Once the girls are asleep, it is me, myself and I. 

Long, silent evenings. 

No one to share the hard day I had with two sick children, or the homesickness of being back from my hometown, or the tantrums I had to deal with other than waiting for Daddy Yo to wake up over the computer and chat with him for a bit while he gets ready to work.

But it still is nothing, these challenges, compared to the gift and magic of having well travelled and adventurous children. 

To get to explore the World and our own limit with them, see their eyes get filled with excitement and slowly understand the World unfolding in front of them. 

To see them open their heart, their mind to so many different people and culture. And to never forget how it is to be a child. 

Because we all can. Just kneel down and look through their eyes. There is just love for us and amazing adventures awaiting.

A stroll in the French countryside under the rain.

If you travel with young children by yourself, talk to them, always. 

I kept on telling them: We are a team. It is us against the rest of the World. It is gonna be hard for me, this trip as the only adult. So you guys gonna have to help me. Check on each other, check on me as much as I will check on you. Never leave my side. Never leave your sister's side. Be patient as much as I will be. This is one long day and then, it will be over. Let's hold each other's hand and work through it as a team. 

And guess what? It works! Yes, kids are smart and sensitive enough to understand all of the challenges. They can adapt. They can be the best team mates you would ever imagine. Just give them the chance to be. You might be surprised! 

Now, Alia's favorite mantra is "Family hug! We are family! Gaia, it is you and me forever!". 

When they are not hitting each other, arguing over a toy or my attention, this is them, learning that sisterhood is above everything else.

Sister love in Baler, Philippines. Credit: Sabs Bengzon

"Everything you can imagine is real"

It's been ages I haven't wrote even though I thought about it every single week.
Our beginning of year was crazier than we even expected!

Alia, in Vigan, enjoying the crowd watching her show 

Here we were after Vigan, going to Caliraya (for a "no-kid" weekend) then back to Boracay for a couple of days only, before flying again to Manila and picking up my parents. We flew directly to El Nido, Palawan in a beautiful place we rented for a week. Between days chilling in the swimming pool and boat trips discovering the beautiful beaches around, we didn't have time to get bored! Unfortunately, Alia got sick and ended up with 39.9° of fever in the middle of a boat trip we had to cut short to rush to the nearest clinic. The day after, she was fine! And it was the end of our Palawan holidays.

Tatay and daughter time in the middle of the kites for Daddy Yo's first competition

Visiting Vigan by night on a horse-drawn carriage

Alia still managed to visit the secret lagoon, where she had to jump off the boat, swim in open sea for a 150 meters, pass under the rocky mountain to end up in a hidden cove with an amazing white sand beach! She was less scared than me and enjoyed the swim back and forth so much!

We got to see Sea Turtles swimming around the boat, great places you can only access by boat and stay in a really relaxing place, away from the noise, the crowd and the bars.

Alia, at the hidden cove, after the long swim!

El Nido, view from our room...

Back in Manila, we had to think again about our plans to celebrate her second birthday under the tents in Malasimbo Festival. As she was feeling better but had a slight fever again when we arrived in Manila, we decided it was safer to cancel our musical trip. We don't want to risk anything when we are camping in the middle of nowhere!

So here we were, going back to Boracay earlier than expected to celebrate Alia's Indian second birthday! We had a fun little barbecue party with her and our closest friends and an afternoon of fun outside with the kiddie pool and the water hose.

Indian cake for an indian party!

After a week and half with my parents, enjoying Boracay and the house, we finally had some time for us. We cancelled our trip to Puerto Princesa, as we believed Alia needed to enjoy her friends and stay a bit home: our little trail-blazer needed some rest.

Enjoying our "no-kid" weekend with friends

We then, planned the next part of our adventure year.
As Daddy Yo really wanted to work for a season abroad and got an invitation in a really cool kite school in Sri Lanka, he booked his tickets for 3 months there.
I and Alia decided to visit my family ahead of time this year so I could spend my 30st birthday at home.

So here we are, in France! Missing Daddy Yo every single day and we know he does too. But I am thrilled he's realizing one of his wish of spending a season abroad and enjoying it!

Alia becoming a country girl but doesn't forget to put lipstick on first

Due to health issue, I had to extend my trip to another month. It's been a long and rocky road but now, I'm all good and happy. Homesick. But grateful the worries are behind me!

“Not all those who wander are lost”

New Year was a very quiet one for me. 

We had dinner at some friends then went on the beach to watch the fireworks for the countdown. 

It was pouring heavy rain and a few meters from the beach, Alia was throwing up her dinner.

So we just waited a couple of minutes until midnight then ran home to cuddle up in bed while Daddy Yo was back on the beach to celebrate.

Alia was a little sick for two days after that but apparently, it was something she ate so it was gone as fast as it came.

I thought 2014 was not a good year for me, looking at its beginning!

But then, hey! You cannot just let it be like this. So I thought I am going to make it a great year.

Then, everything came one after another.

It started by an invitation to help the Philippine Kiteboarding Association during their ITCSI Tour. 

Daddy Yo decided to join the competition while I was part of the crew. Of course, Alia was running around the whole 3 days, happy to have so many people around. 

Santa Maria beach, in Ilocos Sur

Then, they invited me to join the rest of the Tour as the PKA secretary. All expenses paid. 

Guess what? I said yes, of course!

A few days after that, I was offered to write for Boracay Sun, our Island newspaper.

Since it got new owners and they are changing everything to make it more local and life-style focused, I liked the idea and jumped onboard.

The same week, two close friends and I met about this project we were talking about for the past few months and started doing some real work.

Then, the Philippine Swimming Mermaid Academy, for who I am an instructor, offered us some dance class for us to stay in shape for the shows MGM Macau and other hotels start to offer us.

Knowing my parents are coming to visit us soon, we prepared a trip to El Nido, Palawan because we all always wanted to visit this place. Then I had a great idea!

Every year, we are going somewhere in Asia for holidays. And it’s quite a budget.

A street in Vigan

So this year, we will take advantage of the PKA Tour and instead of going around Asia, we will stay home and visit our homeland.

Mid january, we packed our bags and took Alia to spend a few days in Manila with friends and family. 

Then, we took a 8 hours bus to Vigan, Ilocos Norte. We saw some amazing untouched and unspoiled beaches, the beautiful Heritage Town of Vigan and kept on eating amazing food while working on the Tour. 

For the story, Vigan is one of the UNESCO Heritage Site as it is one of the last place in Philippines where you can walk in the Spanish Town. There are amazing old houses and carriages with horses all around that you can take for a visit of the town.

The bus ride was really tough of me. Alia slept all through the trip but laying down on my arm. So I could not sleep or move much. I ended up with a huge and painful stiff neck. 

Alia was once more the star of the event. All the local kids were staring at this little ball of energy who was running on the beach and jumping in the water. So much that even the adults started following her show. 

Of course, she was so happy about the attention and took advantage of it.

Alia, giving a show to the local kids in Vigan

We went back in Manila last Monday, spent time in Republ1c wakeboard Park in Novali, went to the cinema, saw an exhibit of our friend Romeo Lee and packed our bags again to spend the weekend in Caliraya lake.

This time, Roldan’s parents and family convinced us to leave Alia with them so they coud enjoy her company.
Of course, I regretted it as soon as I said yes but well, she is having a blast with her cousins. The problem is me and my total dependance on her. Mother’s love!

We spent 3 days on this breathtaking tiny weeny itsy bitsy island, surrounded by coconut trees, pine trees and clear water. And about 40 kiteboarders!

The place was so small, you could walk all around in about 12 minutes. To reach the island, we had to step on a barge and pull a string to bring us to the shore. Same thing everytime you want to buy something in the store.

I felt like a kid!! I believe I crossed a couple of time just for the pleasure of pulling the barge back and forth!

We had a total blast and it felt as if we were teenagers again.

The only down part was being without Alia. I was scared I would not have any milk for her after that weekend.

I had to hand express a couple of time and it was sore and painful. But it all worth it at the end of the day.

I also got to remember the first time I ever left Alia.

Father and Daughter's playing time in UP, Quezon City

Throw back story, here I am:

It was in August last year. We landed in Paris and left Alia with my parents to meet a friend in his hometown, Rotterdam. Two months back, we met him on the beach of Boracay with a dozen of his friends. All of them were amazing artists from Cirque du Soleil Michael Jackson Immortal Tour and were taking a break for a week.

Pom invited us for his next break in Rotterdam. Luckily, the dates were perfect with our already planned trip to France.

We partied the weekend away of course. One night, we went to this club filled with 20 year-old tall chicks wearing really tight mini dresses and very high heels. After a few beer, I went to the toilet with sore boobs. I locked myself in the toilets while all this young party girls were fixing their makeup and hair while sipping on their mix drinks. I could hear them giggling from inside the toilets while I was pumping and dumping my milk.

And I thought: Yup, that's how rocking moms party!

Rotterdam pier

This is only the beginning of the year and there are more places on our list already.

Next week will be El Nido in Palawan and Malasimbo in Mindoro. Then, the last leg of PKA in Puerto Princesa, Palawan.

Cheers to an adventurous 2014 year!

❝To have another language is to possess a second soul.❞

"One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way." Frank Smith

Since we decided to have Alia, we knew a great challenge was lying in front of us.

Being from different countries, therefore, speaking different languages would be a part of it.

But we decided to turn this into a benefit for her future.

Since she was born, I am only speaking to her in French.

As we are not many French speaking in the Island were I live, she needs to learn it from me since birth. I need to be consistent. I am singing french lullabies to her at nap time and I am looking for french books to read to her when she is going to bed at night.

Because she doesn’t live near my family, it is important for me that she doesn’t feel disconnected with her french roots. Speaking French will help her keep in touch with my parents, sister, relatives and her cousins when she grows up. Every time she sees them, it also help her make the connection. They speak French like her mommy!

It will also help her learn more about my culture and my country. Sharing books, poems and watching movies with her: it is like building our own little bubble where I can show her who I was, how I grew up, what music I liked to listen.

Some things cannot be translated.  

I want to open her window of opportunities: if she wants to study in France later, she is able to move there and keep up with her dreams.

Daddy Yo always speak to her in Tagalog.

I know some people want to teach their kids how to speak English first as it will help them be part of the Global World.

For me, Alia is Filipino as much as she is French. She needs to speak the langague of the country where she was born. Not learning Tagalog as one of her first language would be putting her at risk to be treated like a foreigner in her own country!

And what if she decided to pursue her studies or life here? 

Tagalog will not be taught to her later on, at school. She needs to be understood by anyone in the country where she lives. She needs to know where she comes from and understand the story of her country.

So far, the words she is saying are mainly English.

Most of our friends and all the kids around her speak English to Alia.

And she can hear Daddy Yo and I speaking English together.

She must know it is the fastest way to be understood by all.

But whenever I ask her to hold my hand in french, she gives me her hand. Whenever Daddy Yo ask her to come with him for shower, she goes straight to the bathroom.

A lot of people tell us Alia will be confused, delayed for talking.

Do not underestimate children’s brain! It’s like a sponge absorbing thousand of new things everyday.

Yes, she might mix languages up at first sometimes.

She might answer me in English when I speak French (like Alia’s godmother and her daughter when she was a little girl) but I will keep on speaking to her in French. Because all the languages she hears on a daily basis are printed in her mind.

And when she will be a little bigger and ready to use them, what an amazing advantage for her!!

"If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart." Nelson Mandela

Letter to Alia

My dearest daughter,

Today, you are one year old.

While you are sound asleep, I want to write you a few words so you can read it later.

A year ago, your tatay and I were welcoming you in our arms, in our life and in our hearts. Since then, there is not one day that passed without you making me smile. Even through pain, tears, doubts and arguments.

You truly are a gift to me!

Being a mom is such a powerful experience. It’s overwhelming, beautiful, painful, fun, scary, magic, intense…

Being your mom is priceless! I will never be able to thank the universe enough for choosing me to birth you and hold your hand to enter in this World.

This year has been the most intense of my life.

Being a parent is not just about you, my love.

It’s about redefining myself and my life. What are my priorities, my new goals, my daily life.

It’s about remembering how it felt to be a child so I can always understand you.

And looking at the way your dad and I were raised. Bring the values our parents tought us and add a twist of what we believe in.

It’s being scared of making a mistake but still doing it because we believe it’s for your best.

It’s about accepting who you are and watching you grow the way you want to.

And it’s about finding our place in this new dynamic as a couple for your dad and I.

Meeting in between, making compromise. Make time for each other.

It has been hard. Some days, I felt like giving up.

But at the end, your dad and I love each other more than all this obstacles.

And you are our glue!

Laughter made us going through this year.

Hearing your laught when discovering everything.

And us, being able to laugh at each other and together.

Laugh is the best remedy, my love. The only medicine in life.

And I am grateful for this year that has been filled with laughter and love.

When I hear you calling me « maman », my heart is swealing, ready to explose with joy and love. When you hug me and kiss me, feed from me and play with my mouth with your little hand, laugh out loud and dance, jump on us to say good morning, I sometimes feel like crying.

That’s how powerful it is. That’s how huge my love is for you. That’s how overwhelming and beautiful it is to know you are made out of a little of your dad and a little of me.

If sometimes, I loose my patience, I apologize. I can be weak when I am tired. And everyday, I am reminding myself this is not the way I want to be with you.

Sometimes, I am a bit harder with you. But it’s to protect you from something that can be dangerous for you. It’s out of fear to see you harm and not against you.

I want to give you a happy life. Filled with love and fun.

            I want you to experience things by yourself. Get hurt and know I will always be here

            to listen to and advise you. Because, this is the way you will learn and grow.

I want you to travel a lot and be exposed to different cultures and places because that will be your most valuable lesson in life.

I want you to be confident. You are loved! You are a beautiful soul. You are a happy spirit.

Never try to impress people. Always be who you are.

Always believe in yourself. And if you don’t, I will be here to believe twice as much.

This is how much I love you.

Because you are the light in my life. And the reason why I smile everyday.

Happy birthday, my love.

Alia, cuddling her new Rocking Horse

A message from your Tatay:

Alia, you keep me alive.

The way you show me your love melt my heart.

You truly are the life and love between your mom and me.

Keep it up! Ahoooo!

Love, Tatay.