And my heart expands in a magical way

“Before I had my child, I thought I knew all the boundaries of myself, that I understood the limits of my heart. It’s extraordinary to have all those limits thrown out, to realize your love is inexhaustible.” — Uma Thurman


So, I'm 7 months and half in my second pregnancy now.
And that has been a crazy roller-coaster. I guess that's why I have been so private about it.

First of all, it was not planned. At least, not this year. So, at first, I literally freaked out thinking it was too early, not prepared. I was looking at Alia, thinking she was still so small.

Alia introducing her sister Gaia Mayari!

But thanks to my awesome husband who reassured me we will always find a way, i started seeing all the good sides of it: sure, most of my friends already have the second one, so it's nice if our second one is not too far apart. They will grow up together, like our first ones did.

Plus I always said I will have my two kids before 30 and I got pregnant the second time around on my 29th year. So, the universe remembered what I wanted.

And, yes, Alia and our second one won't be too far apart as well. So it's nice for them.

Plus, let's face it, i'll be done with pregnancy and diapers faster this way!

Yes, I always wanted two kids, maybe 2 years apart. But once I had Alia, I had this fear: how can you possibly love more than one human being so much, unconditionally, deeply? How can your heart get split in two?

Now, I understand. Your heart doesn't split. Your love for one doesn't shrink.
Your heart gets bigger. It expand. It grows.

After eight weeks of morning sickness, being on my knees in front of the toilets every single day, laying on my couch feeling nauseous every second of the day, not being able to smell or eat or move much, I went to France.

I got blessed that morning sickness stopped for a few days, allowing me to take my three planes without having to run to the toilets onboard. I was alone with Alia, on a night flight. That was my biggest worry. But everything went fine. We arrived in France: I had lost a few kilos and had a big deficit of iron. It made me look like a gothic teenager more than a blooming mother-to-be.

When finally, my appetite slowly came back, we found out I had Toxoplasmosis. This silly bacteria you get from cats, unwashed vegetable and fruits or uncooked meat. Silly because, if you are not pregnant, this bacteria is nothing. You get it, you probably won't even notice, you are immune, end of the story. But if you are pregnant, real damages can be passed onto your baby's brain and eyes.

In the Philippines, it's not a common thing. So, they don't test you for it. In Europe, it is. The test is mandatory in France when you are expecting.

Normally, if you get it while you are pregnant, they will give you antibiotics until the end of your pregnancy to protect your baby. In my case, we had no idea when I contracted it. Therefore, we didn't know the risks the baby could be contaminated already.

As a prevention, I started to take some antibiotics. And we ran some tests to date the bacteria. And I had to change our tickets and stay one more month in France.

There was three scenarios laying in front of me.
Either I had it before getting pregnant, and our baby was safe.
Or I had it just when I arrived in France, and I would continue my antibiotics treatments.
The third one kept me awaken a few nights. If I had it during my three first months and the baby's brain was contaminated, I could do a amnio-synthesis to check the baby. Then I could have an IRM made a few months later and see the damages on the baby's brain. In France, you can choose to have a medical abortion at any time, in the worst cases. Do I need to say more?

We spent a month waiting for all the results. A month away from Daddy-Yo, freaking out alone in Sri Lanka. A month not saying to Alia she may (or may not) have a little sister in a few months. A month of not knowing if my baby was ok.

Until the news came: I got the toxoplasmosis right before I got pregnant. Our daughter was safe.

We found a name for her, of course. Gaia Mayari. Gaia: Earth, City of Light. Mayari: Goddess of the Moon in the Tagalog Mythology. A strong name for a strong girl.

Now, Daddy-Yo is still working in Sri-Lanka, missing his girls as much as we miss him. We got to see him for ten days for my 30th birthday. That was heaven!

Small celebration with Island family

Being by myself, pregnant and caring for a 2 and a half year-old is a roller-coaster.

It taught me I am strong. It taught me I am weak. It taught me I always need to improve my patience. It taught me that my daughter, Alia, is an amazing human being. Even more than I thought she was (and I thought she was pretty damn amazing already, believe me!)

She was the one stroking my hair and cheek while I was vomiting in the toilets. She was the one bringing water to me. She is the one asking if my tummy is "ouchy" and if "baby inside" is ok. She is the one hugging me out of nowhere while we are eating dinner. And kissing me in the morning to wake me up. And sleeping on my shoulder at night.

Very soon, Daddy Yo will be home and we will be a family again. Actually we never stopped being one. Being away from him so long taught me that when you find the one, even though you fight and argue sometimes, distance only makes you stronger.

All I want for Christmas

The end of the year has been a very weird one.


I always love Christmas time. It is about getting together, cooking, finding the special thing to offer to your loved ones.

We started Christmas by a really nice get together with all the moms, dads and babies of our Baby Boomers group. And I hosted it. It was like a storm just passed through my house again! But how joyful was this day!

All moms came with something to grill or cooked. I baked loads of cinnamon biscuits that we hang in the Christmas tree. We had an exchange gift for all the kids to enjoy this special day.

We ended up with 13 moms, 6 dads and 16 kids in the house.

The day was so hot and sunny, we set up the little pool and the inflatable slide. The kids were running around, playing with water, the parents were enjoying the laughter and the wine.


On Christmas day, we welcomed Daddy Yo's family for the first time in our house. His parents, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew. And of course, our closest Island family: Bogs, Lian and the kids.

Lechon for dinner!

Mostly Alia's gifts of course..

Live music

Astro tatay got an astro bag!

My sister-in law and Lian, my partner in crime

After spending the all day cooking, I ended up a little off. I realized I missed my family for Christmas.
It's been 7 years since I spent my last Christmas with them, in my parents place.

We usually all gather there, in the countryside, cook all together and set up a buffet.

We eat foie gras and seafood and drink wine around the chimney then open the gifts under the big pine-smelling tree standing in the veranda.

You can guess the cold outside but you cannot feel it as the whole house is warm from love and burning wood.


There is that smell of Christmas that I missed this year. The wood. From the fire and from the tree.


When everyone is satisfied, some go to sleep and some stay around the fire drinking more wine and talking until we all cannot stay awake anymore. Everyone will go back to its bedroom or mattress thrown on the floor.

In the morning, we will all wake up slowly and meet in the kitchen to finish the night's left over.
Foie Gras, fresh juice and tea was my Christmas breakfast until I moved here, in the Philippines.

We will all get ready and play with the kids. Then, we will take a walk in the countryside before eating some more. After lunch, some will go home. Some will stay for an extra couple of days.

When we are together with my family, we always try to extend every minute or hours to keep that warm feeling in the air.

Then, the house is quiet again. But the smell of the wood is there.

This year, i was not there with them again. And it was the last Christmas we got with my uncle, Gilles.
He left us suddenly on the morning of the 31st, his amazing wife by his side, as always.

Next Christmas, I will be in France, with my family. I want Alia to experience the warmth of the winter in our house. I will miss my uncle's bad jokes. But I will be with them. And I will smell the wood.

One glass of wine + one glass of wine makes 5 bottles of wine!

Last night, we had a mommies night out.

Being a mom is tiring and turns your life upside down. Some subjects are supposed to be taboo. 

Moms are not supposed to complain about their kids.

Sex life is supposed to start again normally 6 weeks after delivery.

Doubts are not allowed.

And many more...

And suddenly, in a small wine bar in this small island in the middle of the Philippines, 7 women are sharing real life stories, without shame.

We were planning to meet at 9 and be home by 11, after a nice glass or two of red wine.
Who knew we all needed this so much??
It ended up being one of the latest, funniest and greatest night I had in a very long time.

I can't disclose anything that was said during that night as sensible souls could read this and not believe we are actually responsible and sane mothers of one or two children.

I can only say how blessed I am to be part of such a group.
And how grateful I am for the honesty that all of us brought to this table last night.

Between our raw talks about sex, fun stories about our partners, crazy stories about kids and shared doubts about future, the waitresses were amused, puzzled and had a blast also, I believe.

What I love with this amazing group of friends I have?
Sharing is easy. No judgement.
Once you open up, you realize we are all the same. We are not crazy, we are moms!
All of us went through the same things. Sometimes, we are shy to talk about it thinking we are alone. But once you hear the stories of other moms, you feel comforted and you start being able to laugh about it.

I remember when I was a teenager, my mom didn't want to join the "all girls lunch" organized by some friends as she knew it was an opportunity for them to bitch about their husbands and complain. And she didn't like that.

I love the fact that our mommies night out are not made for criticizing the Daddies. It's about sharing funny stories, fights, doubts but always with love and respect for them.

We ended up going home at 1:30 in the morning, tipsy, happy, laughing in the streets after 5 bottles of wine, a huge cheese plater and a lot of love shared.

Funny fact was that the Daddies were calling us to come home because of babies awaken and out of worry: It's unusually late for this girls. How come they are still out there in the middle of the night?
Boys, if you only knew...

Mondays moms are totally on!

Thank you mommies for being here, honest, fun, raw. Thank you for being part of this amazing group!

A year to remember!

The best gift 2012 brought me!

I am welcoming 2013 with a smile. Though, I was not in a hurry for this year to come to an end.

Despite a few down, which is part of life, 2012 has been an amazing year for me.

A year I will cherish and remember all my life.

First, I became a mother. 2012 brought me the most wonderful, fun, strong, beautiful and stuborn daugther. What can make a year more beautiful than the birth of your first child ?

On top of this, it brought me a husband: loving, sweet, funny, disorganized and irritating sometimes but an awesome dad.

And finally, it brought us a home. In the process. But 2012 was the year it started.

We traveled to Malaysia, France and Switzerland.

We welcomed our whole families and friends for the first time in Boracay.

I strengthen some friendships that I believe will last for a very very long time.

We lost some beloved ones.

I shed tears of sadness and happiness.

We argued.

I grew and learnt a lot.

2012 made my world turn upside down!

And at the end of the day, I find my strength in Alia.

She was what made 2012 the best year of my life.

When I look back at 2011 and 2012, things are going better and better.

I know where I am going, what I want and I cannot wait to see what 2013 is holding for me.

Bring it on !

Happy New Year to all from the Astronaut family!

May 2013 be filled with love, laughter, fun & health!

Where there is love there is life

Alia is the happy type of kid.

And I cannot be more grateful for her to be this way !

There is not a day that passes without me to smile a thousand time thanks to her.

An afternoon at home just the two of us!

She loves playing peak-a-boo.

She loves dancing and moving her hands in a close/open motion.

She laugh out loud when we kiss her tummy.

She closes her eyes and smiles when she feels the wind on her face in the trike.

She loves climbing the couch to get the TV remote whe we try to hide it on top of it.

She absolutely loves to put her little hand in our puppy's mouth and giggles when Pampu lick her hand.

She loves crawling around the house without a diaper and throw all my beauty products on the floor. 

She loves to swim in the ocean.

And I love her so!

She smiles to people in the street, in the trikes and make them smile.

About a month ago, I was walking on the beach with Alia on her sling on my hips. I felt someone was following me. I looked back and saw two kids about 7 and 9, jumping behind me and doing faces to make Alia laugh. And she was laughing so much. They kept following me and entertain her for about 10 to 15 minutes until I had to enter in this shop I was going in.

Alia with her favorite tito, Ken and Chocnut the dog

In Boracay, she starts to be known among the tricyle drivers for the baby that smiles to them, laugh out loud if they smile back to her and pinches them if they do not pay attention.

And they always end up smiling, laughing and making faces along with her.

Alia is totally obsessed with trikes. Every time we hop in one, she’ll be excited and trying to reach the handles and the breaks.

Quite a few drivers will turn their mirror facing her so she can look at herself in it and laugh.

Some of them spend the trip making faces to amuse her.

All of them will laugh along with her.

And I always am one proud mommy seeing her spreading happiness around her at such a young age.

Isn’t it promising for the future ?

Happy Buddha: her Halloween costume

Yesterday when we went home from a play date with her buddies and my mommies friends, she was so happy to see her Daddy Yo. While breastfeeding, she stopped, turned her back to me and hugged her Daddy Yo! A long hug, her two arms around his neck.

He melted!

Playing and cuddling

He then left the room to let Alia sleep. As he closed the door of the room, I saw her crawling to the door, sit next to it and say "Baba?". He came back in until she was settled with me in bed.

Once alone with her, I felt a tear rolling on my cheek. She was breastfeeding and I was just happy to have her in my life.

Love is very powerful.

Playing with the computer while Skyping with her Lola back in France

Haters will hate and I will still believe

Last night, I received an email from this classmate of mine when I was studying Mass Communication in Paris. It made my day.

To make it short, he told me it was quite weird for him to write this message but seeing what was happening to me, he felt he had to. He went on with the fact he was part of the people who didn’t believe me when I said I was moving to this tiny island in the Philippines, refering to himslef as a slanderous Parisian.

He said that after all, he’ve got to admit I’m holding on what I said and he’s really happy about it.

He congratulated me for my recent wedding and my beautiful daugther.

Photography courtesy of Denise Tolentino

Yes, people criticized me. I didn’t care.

They bad-mouthed my choices. I didn’t listen to them.

I believed in myself and my dreams were louder than all the malicious mind around me.

They were waiting for me to fall. They were waiting for me to fail and come back to France. They were expecting me to fit in where I was supposed to be.

Guess what? I was supposed to be where I am now! And I am staying right here, chin up, stronger everyday.

Now people back in France will know when I say something, I do it.

If I have a dream, I will want it so hard I will end up getting it. With time, work and a push from the Universe.

Don’t ever let people choose for you, intimidate you, make you change your mind.

Follow your heart. Shake your mind. Walk in the untouched path.

I let people hate, talk and slander me.

Because I knew what I was capable of.

I am not the one who will live with regrets.

Hater will always hate..

I don’t want to be one of them.

I will keep living my life and loving it wherever it brings me.

If ever people are waiting for you to fail, it’s only for them to fell better themselves.

Never take it as a failure but as an experience that will make you grow and bring you to the right path. The path that was made for you.

Photography courtesy of Denise Tolentino

"Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

From a mother to another

A few months ago, I was training on the beach with my Dragon Boat team. Our meeting point was right next to the land where the Ati were asked (or forced) to move and build their new village.

Everyday, I could see all their kids playing on the beach, running in the water, building little boats and fishes out of plywood and pulling them happily in the water with a nylon string.

I could see moms breastfeeding their babies. Carrying their child close to them, wrapping them around, wearing them. Attachment parenting is not in the education. It's in the blood.

I saw moms and kids. Like me and Alia. Like any mom and her child in the World.

For those who wonder who the Ati people are, they are the "aboriginals". The first inhabitants of the Visayas archipelago. They have their own language, kept some religious practices of their own and face discrimination. Not to mention their original territory in Boracay is becoming smaller and smaller and smaller every time someone has the opportunity to invest where they used to live freely.

What does not help the Ati community of Boracay is the large number of Ati coming from other places. They invade the sand street of White Beach, beg for money and let very young children sleeping on the floor. Sometimes with babies in their arms or at their feet.

Heartbreaking.

Heartbreaking to see this.

And heartbreaking to know one of the cause of their discrimination is the fact that a lot of people think the Ati Community of Boracay mistreat their children, don’t take care of the youngest and let them beg.

But the Ati community of Boracay is very different. They would like to be a part of our World, our lives.

A few days ago, we were talking with a couple of moms. We want to help them.

Bring them clothes for the kids, clothes diapers for their babies.

Teach them why this is so important to keep a basic hygiene with the babies so diseases will spread less.

And help them having the means to do so.

I talked to Susanne, a wonderful woman who lives in Boracay for many years. She’s doing everything she can to help their Community already. She loved the idea. I messaged many moms around me and so far, I have only amazing feedbacks.

When we will all be set, we will organize a meeting with the Ati moms.

The Boracay Baby Boomers meet the Ati moms.

From mothers to mothers.

Our group is boiling with good intention and ideas : workshops, food sharing, play dates…

I love it and I’m feeling so excited about it !

For the filipino kids in Boracay today, being surrounded by foreigners and mixed kids is normal.

I dream of a future where our kids will not see the Ati kids as a Community apart and discriminated. I wish they will go to school all together, play on the beach and exchange stories. I wish our kids will not make any difference between them and the Ati kids.

I wish...

Let’s work on it !!!

We talked so much about you!

Before Alia came into our lives, we were "party people", travelling, doing sports, living on the beach. When we talked about having a baby, we wanted to be sure we were in synch with what it involved and how we wanted to bring her to the World.

I saw couples who never talked about this things falling apart and fighting about main aspect of education.

I am French. Jewish mom, Catholic dad. My parents raised us in the Jewish culture (and a little bit of religion but not much). I was going to the Synagogue for the main celebrations once a year (twice exceptionnally) when we were not late or skipping it. I stepped in a Church a couple of time for a masse or funerals and weddings but most of the time, I’ve been visiting them as beautiful landmarks.

I travelled in many places around the world since I was 2 years old and I left my parents house to live and study in Paris at 18. I was raised in the countryside and went to school in a public school in a small city and spent my week ends listening to Reggae concerts. I’ve studied Art and Communication, spent an unmesurable nombre of hours in the museum and spent all my week-end partying in my place with friends or drinking Chablis in a small bistrot where Brass band and Jazz band were playing.

Daddy Yo is Filipino. Raised Catholic, altar boy in his young years, born and raised in the Big City of Manila. His grand-dad was in the military and he spent most of his holidays in his farm, learning from him. He spent years playing frisbee and climbing mountains, was a regular in all reggae concerts around his University while drinking beer, lived in his parents place until 28 years-old with four generation in the same house and studied tourism. 

English is both our second language. Boracay became our Home the same year. We had to find a balance to mix all our differences and make our own little blend.

We talked about our  Education. What were the values that were important for both of us? Respect, Family, Tolerance, Communication, Conviviality, Education, Openmindness were part of this Values that are important for us.

We talked about our background. To understand where we were coming from. What our families went through.

We talked about religion. What was important for us. What we were believing in. We learned from each other.

I was living in his country. He came with me to mine. To understand where I grew up, who made me who I am. Went to all the places I used to go as a kid, met my family, friends and neighbors.

Paris, 2010

We learned each other’s cultures, what was taboo in his was not in mine. What was ok in Philippines was not where I grew up (and vice versa). We learned the rules and the customs.

I went to church with him at 5 am for Christmas. It was magic. He watched so many french movies he ended up loving so much. He read « Le petit Prince » (The Little Prince) and made me read « Noli Me Tangere » (The book of their national Hero, Jose Rizal). He's listening to Gainsbourg and I love Freddie Aguilar and Brown Man Revival.

We talked about where I will give birth. What was easier for us? Best for him? Fair for our couple? We decided Manila was the best: It was safe as their hospital are very good. Easy for him to still work in Boracay while I am there waiting for our baby. We could go there at the last moment (and not months ahead as if we'd decide to go back to France). Plus he would need a long visa to stay several months in France. My parents could come more easily in the Philippines than his parents in France.

We talked about religion. How will we bring our kids up? We decided to give her a bit of both. We’ll teach her there are different minds. She will be baptised as it is important for him. I will let him bring her to the church and teach her what he believes in. I will talk to her about my believes also. She might have her own believes one day. We want her openminded.

We talked about our options for school and studies.

About marriage. I did not want a church wedding. He agreed on a civil one.

We talked about what language was important for her to learn. I speak to her in French, Daddy Yo in Tagalog and English is the language she hears all around us. Our helper Ate Jen even speaks to her in Visayan. We want her international.

He respected the fact that I was thinking of bottle feed her. He supported me all the way when I decided to breastfeed.
He respected my choice of not co-sleeping and even bought the crib. But he followed me when I decided to give it a try.

Now Alia is with us, I believe our open talks made a difference. It made it easier for us as we know what to expect in the big lines.

Of course, we will still spend hours talking about the little things when they will come up.

But we know we will stick together when it comes to the main decisions. 

Because we are in together, for the long run. And we are in as a family. Not against each other.

As Anthony Robbins was telling it too well, "To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others."

Love Lane

From now on, I will have to repeat my "gratitude for work" mantra every single day until the feeling becomes real. In theory, it is a great lesson of life! In practice... it's a different story.

My first day of work was surprisingly quite fine leaving Alia at home as she was sleeping when I left. The key words are "sleeping when I left"! As yesterday and this morning, she was awake. And that is a COMPLETELY different deal to handle!

I think she was fine actually. But it was a bit harder for me as the guilt grew inside me.

Am I really doing the right choice? Is it really a lesson of life I am teaching her? Is it really a gift I am doing to myself? Yes, I am sure of that.

But am I not going to regret it later? When I will realize she is a little girl and I will miss the "baby her". Am I not going to think I should have enjoyed every single second of her "baby-hood"? That is a thought that was running in my head last night. And I don't have answer to this one...

And while I was still lost in this thought this morning while trying to put her to sleep in her crib, I was questioning as well the usefulness of letting my child cry (even for 10 minutes) in order for her to sleep in her own bed. I will try to stick with this as it is more for her safety than for the sake of it. I know she will crawl anytime soon and if she keeps sleeping in our bed for resting time, there will be a time she will inevitably fall off the bed. If I can, as far as possible avoid it, I will. Safety versus Comfort. Even if the answer is obvious, it does not make it any easier.

I guess THIS IS what being a mom. To constantly make decision for your child without knowing if it is the best.

Listen to your heart and follow it, they say.

But sometimes, even my heart is confused...